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i don't even have the energy...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Undertow, May 26, 2016.

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  1. Undertow

    Undertow New Member

    I want to kill myself. Well, obviously, because hello, on a frickin suicide forum... But anyway, it sounds insane but i can't seem to find the energy to do it. I'm perpetually on the edge of tears. People are sick of me being so depressing. I've had Body Dysmorphic Disorder for years and honestly i don't see a way out any more. I can't bear to look at myself or let anyone see me, to the extent that my life is closing down more and more u til i basically can't do anything. There is no one i can talk to. I've been theraped up to the eyeballs. I've tried and tried and tried. But i never feel better, only 50 shades of worse. I can't do this any more. I more want to be talked into suicide than out of it. I don't even know why i'm on here. There is nothing i want from anyone that they could actually do. This feels pointless but so does everything.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hey there Undertow, well.....welcome to the Forum :) I'm sorry that you feel as you do, I can't imagine how bad it's been for you for so long. I think most of us(including me) found this site searching suicide methods. But there is none here and we don't offer any. We can offer you support and friendship and maybe help you through these bad times. Maybe you came here just to speak with someone and this is good. I believe you can make it through this and encourage you to stay and give this forum a chance. I've met some of the most kind and caring people here. I hope you will give it a chance.
  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Hello Undertow-First off, I can't help but notice that you have a sense of humor. If you can keep your head on straight-that humor that you were born with can get you far. Does it help if I tell you that pretty much everybody else out there is nuts too-including me? These are strange times we're living in-nobody seems to have the energy to do much of anything, including ending their life. They can't seem to get motivated enough to make that sort of a commitment-in other words you're in good company.

    I detected a lot of wishful thinking in your post (and irony) If there was really nothing that you wanted from anyone you wouldn't be on this forum reaching out to others for guidance. I think that you wish you were totally closed off and apathetic-not wanting or needing anything from any one. If you were really like that you wouldn't be talking about your feelings at all because you wouldn't have any. But you do have feelings and that's what hurts. You're making contact with others because there is a sincere intention on your part to find relief for your confusion.

    I'm a survivor of chronic depression and suicidal compulsion-when I look back on that time in my life I refer to myself as chronically confused, not depressed. I see that same type of confusion in you-you don't know who you are so you talk to people a lot and never to yourself. You mentioned that people were tired of being around you because you're so depressed. My suggestion is that you spend some quality time in your own company and let everyone else go. The significant people in your life will happily participate in any circumstance that might heal you-even if that means that you need to create some distance between yourself and them for a while.

    Personally-I don't think that you really want to end your life, you want to change it and you don't know how to do that so you want to end it. But there are many ways to make significant change in your life experience-there are many people on this forum who have been where you are and come out to the other side. Write to them-ask them questions, then go off on your own and ponder their answers. Because BDD is an issue-don't concern yourself with your physical appearance. Put that unresolved issue on hold for a while so that you can take care of yourself.

    At this point you know what doesn't work-going to therapy and talking to the people around you about how you feel. Why not talk to yourself for a change? Journaling is a great way to start a dialogue with a deeper part of yourself. There are many questions that you have about your life that only you know the answers to-and they're not all bad news and bummers. I think that you're a lot smarter than you realize-a lot more powerful than you realize also. Don't worry about how you look or what anyone else thinks about you-what do you think about you? When all is said and done, isn't your opinion the only one that really matters?
    Brian777 likes this.
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