I dont even have the guts to do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by warre, Apr 12, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. warre

    warre New Member

    Im new here, i come from outside america, from Europe, im approaching 20 so my teenage years are almost past me and i would like to stay anonemys. I just searched for a suicidal board on google and this was the first one to come up.

    Now, i live in Europe(country doesnt matter), and its not in an english speaking country so please bare over if my english is sloppy.
    In Europe its illegal to buy guns without some kind of licens, either way i cant afford it. <mod edit methods><

    Im not some kind of stupid kid, and im not suffering from some kind of illness. I get decent grades in school, i socialize normally, i love my family and my family loves me back, we live happilly and there are no problems whatsoever. So basically im living a descent life. But why the fuck does i keep saying to myself i want to end my life so badly? I mean, i got two parts of my brain battling against eachother, my common sense that keeps telling me that there is basically nothing wrong with me, and some other part that just want to end my life. I exaggerate EVERYTHING in my life, giving things too much thought than i should. Im tired of constantly living in my past actions making it impossible for me to think of my future actions and what is yet to come. Im tired of my mind keep making me think of things that ive already done and which i cant undo. The worst part is that these actions i keep thinking of havent made my life worse in any possible way, other than it gives my mind more reasons to exaggerate my thinking.

    Even though i have my possibilities to kill myself, i cant do it. I cant even begin slicing my wrists which i just find completly stupid, since i see wristcutting as an attention maker. I want to point out that i havent been saying this to any of my family nor friends since i dont want to attract unnecessary attention because of my suicidal thoughts. Either you try killing yourself or you dont, talking about it just makes you an attention whore. My problem is: I dont even got the guts to do it, and i dont want to talk to people i know about it. Im stuck in the middle of this shit -.-.

    Im posting this here because i needes some place to let it all out, since because of my principles (which is stated above) i cant say this to my friends or family.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2009
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I think that it's not a case of not having enough guts to 'do it', I think it's a case of you have enough guts to stick around and fight through what you feel.

    I think a lot of what you say is very stereotypical, to be honest. Talking about suicide does not make you an attention whore, it makes you a strong person reaching out for help and support. Yes, somethings that are said surrounding suicide are not good (such as using it to manipulate people) but talking about it to people is not a bad thing. I do think it's a good thing you have posted here. Did it help to get it out?

    Have you ever sought help for what goes on mentally for you? Why is it you want to end your life?

    I feel your post may get editted for tip sharing, so just be aware that might happen.

    Welcome to the forum, I do hope you find support here.
  3. Ants

    Ants Well-Known Member

    Realx man. I have come to the conclusion the teenage to 25 years are the worst. I was exactly where you are 30 some years ago. I just ran away to see the sun set over the ocean before I cashed in. Told myself I'd mow someones yard, wash their car ect.. to get a meal. It never came to that. I did find that if you follow the tourists you can usually find work . The point is I was able to bury the monster. He's always been there but at different levels at different times. Being alive has been a challenge at times but when those beautiful moments come along in your life, all thet crap just seems to be dues I had to pay, and because they were rare they were priceless..

    I am not recommending you just pick up and run away, but a drastic change somewhere is in order. I sure am glad I rode the storm out, even if I may have come full circle.
  4. warre

    warre New Member

    Thanks for your reply. I've tried going to a psychiatrist where i got my anti-depressive medicine. At first it worked because of the placebo effect, but eventually i went back in the same spiral. I want to end my life because i have this annoying way of critisizing everything i do. Every action i make i see it as a bad action, atleast 80 % of the actions i made i see them as bad. Even though im the only one who actually makes a big deal out of it, and watches it as a bad action.
    Everytime i go to bed i say to myself i want to die. Everytime i take the train im thinking of jumping right in front of it, each time i pass a bridge etc. Or atleast be in some kind of accident that kills me instantly. And its eating me up inside.

    Sorry for the stereotypical way i expressed talking about suicide. I just havent gotten anything out of talking to people about it. Ive tried talking to people that have been sweet to me since im having suicidal problems and to people that have said something like: "Oh just shut up and get real mate". And i havent got anything out of both types. Concluding: You dont get shit out of talking about suicide to people. Either you do it or dont, period.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You don't need to be sorry for anything you say, I just wanted to give you a different opinion that's all. :)

    In terms of your anti-deps, can I ask how long you tried them for and if you went back and tried different types?

    You come across to me as someone with very low self esteem (although who maybe hides that). I could be wrong, so do feel free to correct me. I got that from the way you talk about being overly critical of yourself. I wonder if maybe working to improve your self esteem might be something that might help because then you might not be so hyper critical and down on yourself about the things that you do. Some sort of therapy might also help with that too.
  6. warre

    warre New Member

    You are correct. My self-esteem is quite low. I've tried winter depression meds also. These anti-depressive i got perscribed by the psychiatrist is called fluanxol mite. I dont want to search therapy since i dont have the money for it and my parents wont pay it. Maybe i should take it up with them again. Might do it tommorow then. Hopefully they will donate some money.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Obviously you haven't said where you are, but you might find there are free therapies around, or maybe support groups that don't cost.

    It can take a while to find the right anti-depressant and it can also take a while to find the dosage that works for you. So far, personally, I have tried 6 types and varying doses and have yet to find one that works, but there are so many types that it is just a case of almost just eliminating an option until you find what works.

    In terms of Self Esteem it might be worth looking for books, or websites that can give you tips. I wrote this rough guide a couple of years ago http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=26788 and that might be of some use.

    I found that volunteering really boosted my self esteem because I was actually doing some good. Maybe looking for something that might give you some self worth, in whatever way, might be worthwhile?

    It's really good you are going to ask your parents about money for therapy. Good for you!
  8. nowill2live85

    nowill2live85 New Member

    if you can't find it to do it then that's a good thing. it means deep down inside you still have some glimmer of hope no matter how tiny it is.

    i'm not going to feed you that cliche stuff about life gets better even though it really does, but whatever pain you're going through is it worth what you're thinking about doing
  9. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    thats all it is

    it's a dumb retarded social stigma, it's one of those things, like, hey, depressed ppl who want to die do it, why don't I?

    it gets you no where, it has no purpose, and it's a waste of time and only generates useless ugly scars that you will be forced to cover up for the rest of your life. there really is absolutely nothing to gain by doing this and i promise you exploring with it will be a waste of time.

    once you start, it's like, hey, i got one scar, let's make more!

    don't do it.
  10. a.tosic

    a.tosic Member

    Mate it doesn't means you don't have guts to kill yourself,it means you have guts to countinue fighting.Death will not solve your problems it will make them worse.Think about everyone that loves you?
    Trust me you don't want to do it
    If you need someone to talk to,i am available and i would gladly help

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    for someone that sounds like they have it going on for them, its a shame to hear these things.
    you talk about living in the past, well ... its like this.

    sometimes we have to step out of the boat that carries all the hurt and raise the bar on our potential.
    many ppl have hurtful pasts and sometimes we cant move past them.
    i did the samething. what i found is, if you allow yourself to remain only at a certain level in your life, nothing will shine for you.

    if we think we cant win, we have already lost. after awhile you start taking the past for granted and become unalbe to see any further. it becomes out common place... that all to familiar place that we end up blamming everything on.
    your purpose in life is the essence of YOU. its your gifts, its what your passionate about. its a natural expression of who you are.

    not what the past made you believe. stand strong and raise your life bar.
    allow yourself to know YOU. see what you have done. the past can be forgven .. many have done it. many have moved on.

    learn to live for today
  12. a.tosic

    a.tosic Member

    As ODIECOM said if you live in the past you will only hurt yourself more and more,til you push the limits.You need to relax and think about everything that is the only way of living in the present and letting the past go.Relax listen to some music that should help you to bring yourself together.You know what they say rainbow comes after rain! :)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.