The past few weeks for me have been hell and I do not think that I can get past all this. Just over the past couple days I have engaged in so much SH it is getting to the point that I have lost control of it, I am really starting to dissociate and that scares me but at the same time I want it to go that far and I just pass out and that would be the end of all this. I'm tired, I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to exist anymore. I honestly want to take this to the next level and it would be so easy since I am alone in this house. The walls are closing in and I can't escape the overwhelming thoughts and feelings. That little voice inside me has is no longer little, it is huge and I can't fight it right now, I'm so very weak. Afraid to call the crisis line because I do not want cops here, I don't want a 72 hour hold again. I just want to do what I have planned, go to sleep and not wake up. Nothing seems to matter anymore and I have lost all interest in everything including eating and sleeping. Conversations with others are few because I have walls up and am pushing everyone that means anything to me away. I have come to the conclusion that I am my own worst enemy and I will be responsible for the ending of my own life. I'm not even sure that I want help anymore, I just really want everyone to forget about me as if I never was a part of this world, it would make my decision so much easier. Either way I have made my decision, I can't do this anymore.