I don't even know anymore...

[sgjertsen]

I found this forum while I was looking for advice on having a more successful attempt. I am definitely in another crisis, but I couldn't tell you from where this one sprang up. I feel trapped and alone, and the world is darker and bleaker each day. I've been putting on a proper face for so long that no one I know really knows who I am, and I'm running out of energy to keep it up. I SOOOOOOOO do NOT want to end up in a hospital again. If I ask for help that's where I'll be put, but if I don't GET help I'll end up there anyway. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't even really know what I'm doing anymore...

 

[Petal]

Hello and welcome,

what has led to you feeling this way? Why do you want to end it all? I think you should tell your therapist about how you are feeling. You said you a putting on a brave face, maybe go slowly into telling them how you are? :hug:

 

[sgjertsen]

A long, twisted, convoluted series of life events have brought me to where I am. This particular crisis? I don't even know what triggered this one. Sometimes it's just like a timer runs out, and *BING* there it is! I don't have a therapist right now (yay crappy insurance!), so I can't talk to one. I have tried talking to my husband, but he either overreacts or doesn't think it's anything real. There is no helpul middle ground with him. The last time I called one of those hotlines, it must have been that person's first day. They thought they were being a hero and saving my life by calling the police and sending them to me. I ended up being committed. I hate hospitals, I hate doctors, I hate meds. I hate me too, but for the present moment I'm stuck with me.

 

[Petal]

Some helplines are required to send emergency services if you are a danger to yourself and others. Even though it might not have seemed they did the right thing, they sure did. I'm crying right now over a huge argument with my brother but deep down I know things will be fine. I am cured of depression so hopefully I can help you.
Are you on any medications? If so do you feel they are working? Are there any low cost therapists near by?

 

[sgjertsen]

No, I'm not currently on any meds. I don't even like taking advil for a headache. My body reacts unexpectedly to medications, so I have always been very careful with what I put in me. My husband would like me to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I can't even fathom that. The meds that have worked in the past have left me a shell of a person, unable to feel ANYTHING. Sure they keep me from feeling really down, or they deaden the SI, but unless someone has had to live like a zombie, a slave to their meds, unable to garner even the slightest pleasure from anything, they have no idea what it is to ask that of me.

 

[Petal]

I completely understand what you are saying but there are literally thousands of different medications that you could choose from that would not make that ''numb'' feeling. I think you should give medications another shot. It won't hurt to try.

I nearly gave up on medications until I took mirtazapine and it was the medication that cured my depression (in my opinion) and I has severe depression so bad I ended up in ICU in a coma. Trust me, never give up hope because things can always improve :hug: