I don't even know anymore...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sgjertsen, Jan 19, 2015.

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  1. sgjertsen

    sgjertsen New Member

    I found this forum while I was looking for advice on having a more successful attempt. I am definitely in another crisis, but I couldn't tell you from where this one sprang up. I feel trapped and alone, and the world is darker and bleaker each day. I've been putting on a proper face for so long that no one I know really knows who I am, and I'm running out of energy to keep it up. I SOOOOOOOO do NOT want to end up in a hospital again. If I ask for help that's where I'll be put, but if I don't GET help I'll end up there anyway. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't even really know what I'm doing anymore...
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome,

    what has led to you feeling this way? Why do you want to end it all? I think you should tell your therapist about how you are feeling. You said you a putting on a brave face, maybe go slowly into telling them how you are? :hug:
     
  3. sgjertsen

    sgjertsen New Member

    A long, twisted, convoluted series of life events have brought me to where I am. This particular crisis? I don't even know what triggered this one. Sometimes it's just like a timer runs out, and *BING* there it is! I don't have a therapist right now (yay crappy insurance!), so I can't talk to one. I have tried talking to my husband, but he either overreacts or doesn't think it's anything real. There is no helpul middle ground with him. The last time I called one of those hotlines, it must have been that person's first day. They thought they were being a hero and saving my life by calling the police and sending them to me. I ended up being committed. I hate hospitals, I hate doctors, I hate meds. I hate me too, but for the present moment I'm stuck with me.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Some helplines are required to send emergency services if you are a danger to yourself and others. Even though it might not have seemed they did the right thing, they sure did. :) I'm crying right now over a huge argument with my brother but deep down I know things will be fine. I am cured of depression so hopefully I can help you.
    Are you on any medications? If so do you feel they are working? Are there any low cost therapists near by?
     
  5. sgjertsen

    sgjertsen New Member

    No, I'm not currently on any meds. I don't even like taking advil for a headache. My body reacts unexpectedly to medications, so I have always been very careful with what I put in me. My husband would like me to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I can't even fathom that. The meds that have worked in the past have left me a shell of a person, unable to feel ANYTHING. Sure they keep me from feeling really down, or they deaden the SI, but unless someone has had to live like a zombie, a slave to their meds, unable to garner even the slightest pleasure from anything, they have no idea what it is to ask that of me.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I completely understand what you are saying but there are literally thousands of different medications that you could choose from that would not make that ''numb'' feeling. I think you should give medications another shot. It won't hurt to try.

    I nearly gave up on medications until I took mirtazapine and it was the medication that cured my depression (in my opinion) and I has severe depression so bad I ended up in ICU in a coma. Trust me, never give up hope because things can always improve :hug:
     
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