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I don't even know anymore..

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Hey guys.

I don't really know how to describe what I'm feeling these days. I think about suicide dozens of times a day. Sometimes I just feel like thrashing around until everything falls into place. It feels like no one gives a damn anymore, or ever did. I guess there are a few specifics going on to help this feeling along.

There was this girl I met three years ago, and we became best friends. I kinda liked her the whole time but I didn't want to ruin it or whatever but one night she called me and asked me to pick her up, so I did. Things went from there and we became a couple. Then one day she took her feelings back. I thought I could get over it more easily as I have before, but I think I really loved this girl. I can't stop thinking about her now two months after we broke up. I think about her every day and she doesn't even look at me when we see each other in school anymore. I don't know how to forget about her..

Plus this whole high school thing. I'm done with it. I can't stand the people here and I just want to get out. I'm going to Penn State in August and graduation can't come soon enough. I don't know if I'm going to make it these last four months here. I just want out.

Plus all this family crap going on. My whole family except my mother basically, are all alcoholics. My aunt is recovering and met her current husband in the program, my cousin has been in AA since he was 16 and recently relapsed, my other cousin has done drugs with her friends already, and now my grandmother has completely lost it. She drinks nothing but alcohol, which dehydrates her and lands her in the hospital all the time now. She's disoriented and gets panic attacks and my grandfather can't take it anymore. This just serves to fan the flames on the hatred between my mother's siblings. They hate each other and constantly put my mother and I in the middle of it. I'm sick of all this crap. I just want to get out and start my life.

Jesus that was a long post. Sorry to take up that much time. I just don't know what to do. I want to stop wishing for death every second and forget about things, especially "the love of my life," as it were.


It's not a nice feeling when you don't control your life but are stuck with something that is most certainly distasteful, sounds like both you and your mother could do with all the support you can both get, I'm sure you are both very good for each others state of mind.
Not to try and make matters worse, but i know how you feel. I lost "the love of my life" 3 and a half months ago. I know how it feels to never stop thinking about her. Believe me i do. And i am almost ready to give up myself, and i know this may sound a little bit hipocritical, but dont give up just yet.


Well-Known Member
pjm, what do you mean you already did? You toke all the vicodin in the cabinet?

Please please go to a hospital :( They can help you there.
Did you take the pills? Please please say you havn't taken them..

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