I don't even know how to say this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Armyguy, Nov 13, 2009.

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  1. Armyguy

    Armyguy Account Closed

    I have never shared any of these feelings with anyone. One of my close friends, whom also is a soldier, gave me this website. He said he reads here but doesn't post. I guess I will just lay it all out.

    I joined the Army some time ago and coming from an abusive father and a battered mother I felt that by joining the Army I would be able to help others. At the time that is what I needed. I needed the feeling of being able to help others. I excelled quickly through my training and rank. My first deployment was to Somalia which began a string of deployments that have not stopped. Could they have stopped? Yes. But at the time, the images of war was something that I packed into tight little boxes in my mind and stored them away. After being deployed to Iraq 1, Kosovo/Bosnia I realized that I was not helping, just killing.

    About 5 years ago I began to have horrible flashback and have had nightmares for about the past 10 years. I don't remember the flashbacks but I do remember the events surrounding them. Mental help in today's military is a joke. Your career and promotions can still be tainted for seeking mental help which is why I refuse to log into a DOD help line through my AKO account.

    I was wounded in Afghanistan this past year and have spent the majority of the time in surgery, healing, and in physical therapy. This was really the first time I had been wounded to the point that I was flown stateside for medical care. The problem now in lies with the amount of time I have. I sit in my bed and hear the bullets, rpgs, and non-stop screaming of war.

    Last night and today were total hell on earth. Everything I had tried to forget about has been coming in like a tidal wave. All of my brothers who died beside me, my brothers who I saw blown apart from ied's. my brothers who asked me to mail death letters to their wives or girlfriends. Its as if a gate has been opened and I can't close it.

    I have not had many personal relationships over the years. Partly because I am worried that becoming involved in one will make me into the person my father was. The one relationship I did have ended really abruptly this past spring. I understand why she ended it, she said she couldn't stand the constant waiting on a phone call or knock on the door.

    I have entered a place in my mind where I see no way out. I have always been a warrior and have always been a person who will never admit defeat. I know that I will never be deployed again, which is what I want, because of my medical condition. Over the past 2 weeks I have saved all of the pain medication and sedatives they have given me and secretly hidden them in my room. I catch myself wishing that I would have been killed in combat and feel like I am being punished by having to watch all of my brothers and sisters be killed in combat. Right now, at this moment I am just so ready to take all of these medications and just go to sleep and never have to relive another day of the torment........
  2. mlxjaded

    mlxjaded Well-Known Member

    You are such a brave person and a personal inspiration to me. I understand some of your background history but there is no way I can possibly understand the torment you are going through having been in the Army.

    Just know that I personally feel for you.

    Hang in there.
  3. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    I hope lot of powers for you to survive your experiences. I hope you can talk your hard feelings to someone who can hear and understand what you tell.
  4. Armyguy

    Armyguy Account Closed

    That in itself lies part of the problem. All of the guys in my unit just want to be deployed. None of us feel like we fit into society anymore. On the same token we can't talk to each other for fear word will leak out we are having psychological problems. It's as if I have been on a monsterous cyclic path that has no end in sight.

    The last time I was shot I remember laying in the street and the one thing that went through my mind, the one word, finally.
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I was in the Air Force many years ago but I've never seen war. You have sacrificed so much being a soldier in war time. I cannot even begin to fathom how you feel.

    Because you feel you cannot go to military mental health you may want to consider keeping a diary here. This well help you get many feelings out. This is crucial so they don't build up inside of you.

    Is there any resource you have outside of the military. Perhaps see a civilian therapist or join a Veterans of Foreign Wars group where you can find a buddy to have coffee with and talk.

    If you are a church going person, you may find a war veteran in the congregation you can get together with.

    What I'm trying to say is you don't have to walk through this alone.

  6. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear how much you're going through. I can't even imagine that. It's awful that we put our men and women through hell and then don't even help them once they're out of it. You're not alone, and many others are going through the same thing and there is help out there. You've done great things and I hope you can find some peace.
  7. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    My pm box is always open if you ever need a friend. :)

  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Army Guy,
    Fist off welcome to the forums,,and a deep thankyou for your time in service..Chargette had a good idea about seeing someone in the private sector..A good therapist can help you lift this load off your shoulders..I'm a former Marine but never saw combat.. I went in at the end of viet nam and got out before grenada..Alot of my NCO's while I was in always had that far away look on there faces from being in Nam..I agree that maybe you should keep a journal here on the forum.. You can choose from being public or being private..
    Please what ever you do don't take those pills.. Throw them away..I don't know your pain but I do know you can be helped..The Armed Forces are hiring therapists from all over the states.. My therapist received such a letter and past all the tests but then they wanted to send her over seas so she backed out..Too bad really because she is an excellent therapist...I wish you all the best...Semper Fi!!!
  9. Armyguy

    Armyguy Account Closed

    Hey Stranger, hooah, combat or not, you laced your boots on. I don't have any time to seek civilian help. I am in a hospital and it is horrible here. It seems like the flashbacks and nightmares get worse every day.

  10. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    I have to tell you like others that I understand about 1/3 posts because my english is very bad. Like you can also see my writing is. I do not much know about war itself, I only know after effects to my parents and children which came when my both grandparents went our wars. What happend to my other gp was that he was on hospital and after war he escape drinking. Rest of it is bad mess so with my earlier post I just wanted to hope you all best to your life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2009
  11. Armyguy

    Armyguy Account Closed

    i am losing control. my head is filled with screaming, if i close my eyes i see death everywhere. i am surrounded by darkness and am haveing flashbacks of fallujah over and over. i woke up and was drugged the nurses said i was violent and fighting people not here. i see them. the people who killed my brothers. they are here sometimes but i know they are not. i know i am losing my mind. i try to tell myself that they are dead. i know they are dead. i killed them i remember their faces.

    i woke up grabbing the rails of my bed because i am in baghdad and tripped over the head of someone the insurgents beheaded.

    i cant live like this. i dont have a purpose and feel useless. i need to go back to afghanistan right now. if they would put me back my mind would be busy and i wouldnt have all this time to think.

    ive never had panic attacks. is this what it is or is my mind gone
  12. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    It's not panic attacks, its Post Traumatic Stress, or shellshock. Don't worry, you're still sane, you are just going through some shit. I can't begin to imagine what you've seen or been through but I respect you already for your service for your country. You should talk to a doctor about what you're going through, and before you do that look up some ways to cope with PTSD. Its good that you are here and getting your thoughts down, it will help you to understand them better. Don't give up, things will get better for you.
  13. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    What kind of help they are giving you right now? Do you have safe environment where you can thought through those situations which hunt you now in your subconscious. Can you process them when you are awake?
  14. Armyguy

    Armyguy Account Closed

    the treatment i am getting now is isolated to my wounds. everyone in this hospital is having flashback and nightmares so you dont draw attention which is good. i am getting so angry for allowing myself to be in this situation. this was not the way my life is supposed to be. i feel consumed with anger, hate, and darkness.

    i have been approached by a psychologist once some time ago. he told me to wait a second and he would be right back, he still hasnt came back. i dont want to talk to the army psych docs. i know telling them that all i want is to go back to afghanistan or iraq will make them think i am suicidal. if they dont let me redeploy......... i will never be a civilian unless it is on my terms.

    the only way i will be able to get my head straight is to get back into combat and finish what i started.

    i need advice from anyone who has ptsd. how you handle it. how you kept yourself out of the dark that sucks you in. i need help. im getting worse by the hour and i just wish it would all be over. just fade to nothing. no pain. no memories. no flashbacks. no nightmares. no headaches that feel like my head is going to split open.

    im so tired of living like this.............
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Armyguy,
    I know you don't want to do it but you really need to talk to someone..Your wounds are morethan skin deep..You have to get it out.. So you need to think about it long and hard..
    I had to see a shrink when I was in because I was drunk all the time..All he said was I was immature.. Hell I was only eighteen when I joined... I just hadn't gotten past the partying stage..
    I really hope you get some help..I'm going to be gone for two weeks so I will check back with you when I get back..Take Care My Friend!!!
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I agree with what some of the others have said. You need to find a way to get some help. But you don't have to go through it alone. Keep talking, keep posting here. Vent if you need to, let out some of the anger and frustration. Don't keep things all bottled up inside.

    Here if you ever need to talk, or vent. Drop me a PM anytime.
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