I dont even know how to title this..Im so torn!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by oldandstupid, Jan 25, 2007.

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  1. oldandstupid

    oldandstupid New Member

    Im sitting here on my couch, and cant believe Im here. Imtyping away, as my two daughters sleep throught the night. One is almost ready for college, the other is just a second grader. DAMMIT. I also have a grown son, and another son of 14 living with his dad, my ex.

    My husband is a good man, works harder than anyone I know. Boy i guess Im a mess, because he complains a lot. Like my father. Your not really smart enough, you arent thin enough. You cant multitask. DAMMIT iM TRYING HERE!!! I need to lose a lousy twenty, but he wont touch me; says i look fine, yeah right. im 150 and five three. Im gigantic, huh?

    My kids are all great. I love em to pieces. But I think they would do well in fact very well without me. Ive always known that I wouldnt live very much longer than my brother...he died on my 34th bday. Well, Im 43, and know I wont see 50. He knew he wouldnt see 30, and died by a lovely impaling on a fence on my 34th freaking bday, on a stupid motorcycle, not a quarter mile from my house..it freakin sucked to call my family and have to tell them he was dead....damn but i hate bdays. I hate mine.

    Im so mad at myself..Im supposed to be the rock-mamma. the one that makes sure the kids get to school, the one that deals with the fact that my husband hates sex with me, the one who cooks and cleans and holds a job and is supposed to BY GOD like it! I sicken myself, because I should be thankful and some days I am! That I have such awesome children, and that my husband is a good provider, even though I never see him. I wish I could get ahold of myself, but guess what? I have all kinds of blood pressure meds that, if taken all at once, would make for a peaceful sleep. Part of me knows Im selfish, and stupid, and part of me doesnt give a damn.

    Its late, and I dont expect any responses so no big deal really. I will probably be just dumb enough to wait for 24 hours, and nothing will change..
     
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am also old and stupid (sometimes), just like you. Only I'm older, 55. You are dealing with a lot of shit right now, vent all you like. We're here to listen to you. It helps to let it all out.

    YOu say you're on a lot of meds for BP. Are you on any meds for depression or anxiety? If not, it may be a good idea. I've been on meds for depression for several years and it's helped a lot. You may be getting older but you're not stupid, you just feel that way right now. With the stress you're dealing with it's not surprising you feel as you do.

    I"m sorry to hear about your brother. What a shock it must have been, and on your birthday too.:sad: There is hope for you, even if you don't think so - I know. As long as there's life, there's hope. I don't believe your kids would be better off without you. I have the same thoughts sometimes, but deep inside I know that's not so.

    Please, if there's any way to seek professional help and/or meds, do it. When you're caught in the cycle of depression it's hard to break out of it, cause the depression just keeps pulling you down further. Meds and counseling can help break that hold and let you come up for some light and air, so to speak.

    Please come back here to talk to us and let us know how you are doing. We care.:smile: I care.:smile: I've been in a similar situation and know how hard it can be.

    love and hugs,:hug: :flowers: :hug:

    least
     
  3. Aufo8mycow

    Aufo8mycow Member

    Re: I don't even know how to title this..Im so torn!!

    You poor thing, you do sound so very low right now. But I do have to say you are wrong.... I am sure your children would find it very difficult to cope without you. I speak from experience there, You sound like an awsome mum always running around for them and your husband and you have a job too!

    Ultimately, there are quite a few issues bothering you right now and I always find breaking them down really helps, rather than looking at them in the 'bigger picture' I know its easy for me to say that as I am outside, looking in, rather than inside looking out. Sometimes though, perspective is easier that way.

    I think a lot of us are where you are now, especially about sex, we are such complex creatures and trying to keep a healthy sex life is difficult enough for those of us who have been together a mere 3 years let alone long term. Talking is key though, and sometimes talking about sex can be more difficult than talking about money. Talking about it is about as difficult as undergoing root canal treatment without anesthetic. And in many cases people would opt for the latter.

    That being said, you should in no way feel responsible for his lack of interest, there may be other reasons why he feels like this at the moment. Many men in middle age suffer from temporary impotence. The reasons could be physical, psychological or both.

    I had a quick search for you and found this:

    If the reasons for the lack of interest could be psychological, the onset of the condition is sudden and could be caused by a wide variety of things:


    Job stress
    Relationship problems
    Financial concerns
    Depression or anxiety about poor sexual performance
    Psychiatric conditions
    While Viagra sorts out problems on the short term, long term solutions can only be found by the intervention of professionals, either a doctor or urologist in the case of physical problems or a psychologist or sexologist in the case of emotional causes.

    All said and done, most women will know that merely talking about this problem is already difficult. Getting your husband to go for help would be doubly so. The following suggestions might help:


    Don’t take on an accusatory tone – you need to get your husband on your side
    Choose your time carefully. The middle of a slinging match is not the time to discuss this matter
    Stress the fact that the problem affects both of you and that the only solution is a joint one
    Wait until the time is right – when you are both feeling happy and relaxed
    Don’t turn the whole discussion into a greater emotional issue than it already is
    Men put a high premium on their sexual performance. Don’t denigrate your husband’s masculinity in any way. It won’t get you anywhere.
    Use I-messages, such as “It makes me feel unloved and unlovable when you won’t talk to me/have sex with me/share a bedroom with me"

    Next is how you feel about you. Clearly you think 150Ibs is too big...it isn't!!!
    I did a quick check and it seems for your height, an ideal weight would be 125Ibs for a woman... Therefore it is clear you are not overweight. 25Ibs is nothing but you must remember if you really feel bad about it, do it for you.. Not him or anyone else for that matter. Do it to treat yourself in connection with other treats that is clear you are long over due for!!

    Do you have any female friends? What is clear is you are the back bone of your family and its about time you gave yourself a reward for it. I know when I feel low, I go shopping, have my hair done, go out for a meal with my friends (Even if its McDonald's!) but I do it for that just one day I can forget my problems and smile. It really does work, I am then better prepared to face the next day and ultimately my life.

    I know things are hard for you right now and all this just seems too much , but what I am getting at is stop thinking of everyone else and think about you for a change. Do the things that make you happy, make yourself feel a bit more sexy, treat yourself, spoil yourself.. do it for a whole week, even have the week off work, just do something that makes you feel like a sexy, gorgeous woman who you really are! Ultimately, you might find with this new found liberation makes your husband feel a lot more attracted to you.

    I remember my days of 'out on the pull' days I was sad I had no interest but days I felt.. frankly I don't give a shit and I am out for me to have a great time dancing and drinking' so many people were interested because they could see I was confident and having fun and that just oozes sex :)

    Anyway, I am sorry for rambling on so much, if you just want a chat sometime, send me an email to aufo8mycow@o2.co.uk, it doesn't hurt to have some new friends. You bring the coffee, I will provide the biscuits. I have big ears and plenty of time. Don't give up, scratch that surface and I know you will find the woman you truly are. I can see in those few paragraphs you have a huge heart and an even larger personality. You just have to re find it honey. Its there, trust me.

    Take care and thinking of you.

    Sean xoxoxoxoxoxo
     
  4. oldandstupid

    oldandstupid New Member

    Well, Im back, and am feeling a tad better. I was feeling neglected and angry last night.

    You know what? I have often thought that some good medication might just be what I need. Unfortunately, I have no insurance(me and husband work for ourselves). Still, I do realize Ive got to get ahold of myself. I guess last night was the big crash that I needed. I was bawling like a baby writing that, and everything just came to a crescendo.

    Friends...well, I do have my sis, and my cousin, but both live far away. I have a friend that lives accross from me, but she is in a new, weird relationship and that's where her head is at. Guess I do need a few new friends. There are a couple other women I know, but time constraints dont help much, although I guess I 'could' try harder to get out more.

    DAMN but I need to straighten out my messy life! I know there is hope. Good grief, I wasnt expecting such thoughtful and empathetic responses. Yall dont know how much that helps!
     
  5. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes, I do know how much responses help - that's what brought me around when I first came here.:smile: As to medication cost, is there any program or something like it, where you live for free or reduced price prescriptions? Several drug companies have programs like that. You fill out an appication and send it in. Also, my shrink often gives me samples given to him by drug company sales reps. There are many ways of getting from A to B, just keep asking! Do you have a mental health community clinic in your area? We do, and it has a sliding fee scale, so the fees are reasonable and based on your income and family size. Or call your local mental health crisis line - that could be the first step toward counseling and meds. Best of luck to you!:smile: Let us know how you're doing - we care!:hug: :hug: :grouphug:

    love and hope,

    least
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad tyo know you are feeling a little better than when you posted for the first time. I am the same age you are. I have 4 children, so understand that part of it. i do think if at all possible you should check into getting on something to help with your depression, or at least find out if that is truly what it is. Maybe one of your other meds is having a bad effect on you. You most certainly can live to see 50 and beyond that. No one knows for sure. i was sorry to read about your brother. Such a tragic thing to have happen, and on a day that was supposed to be special for you. Know that you will be in my thoughts. Please take care. :hug:
     
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