Im sitting here on my couch, and cant believe Im here. Imtyping away, as my two daughters sleep throught the night. One is almost ready for college, the other is just a second grader. DAMMIT. I also have a grown son, and another son of 14 living with his dad, my ex. My husband is a good man, works harder than anyone I know. Boy i guess Im a mess, because he complains a lot. Like my father. Your not really smart enough, you arent thin enough. You cant multitask. DAMMIT iM TRYING HERE!!! I need to lose a lousy twenty, but he wont touch me; says i look fine, yeah right. im 150 and five three. Im gigantic, huh? My kids are all great. I love em to pieces. But I think they would do well in fact very well without me. Ive always known that I wouldnt live very much longer than my brother...he died on my 34th bday. Well, Im 43, and know I wont see 50. He knew he wouldnt see 30, and died by a lovely impaling on a fence on my 34th freaking bday, on a stupid motorcycle, not a quarter mile from my house..it freakin sucked to call my family and have to tell them he was dead....damn but i hate bdays. I hate mine. Im so mad at myself..Im supposed to be the rock-mamma. the one that makes sure the kids get to school, the one that deals with the fact that my husband hates sex with me, the one who cooks and cleans and holds a job and is supposed to BY GOD like it! I sicken myself, because I should be thankful and some days I am! That I have such awesome children, and that my husband is a good provider, even though I never see him. I wish I could get ahold of myself, but guess what? I have all kinds of blood pressure meds that, if taken all at once, would make for a peaceful sleep. Part of me knows Im selfish, and stupid, and part of me doesnt give a damn. Its late, and I dont expect any responses so no big deal really. I will probably be just dumb enough to wait for 24 hours, and nothing will change..