hello everybody. i really don't know what to do anymore as my suicidal tendencies have been growing bigger and bigger over the last years. i was diagnosed depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social phobia and schizoid personality disorder, i have done therapy after therapy (and each psychologist told me something different about what i was suffering from), i was prescribed all kinds of antidepressants and i've been to a day hospital for 8 weeks. nothing has helped me. it seems to me like everything this world has to offer doesn't really satisfies me, most of the time i don't even feel sad, it's more like a feeling of emptiness and indifference, and also: hate. somehow i think that being a misanthropist only reflects the way we think of ourselves, our own inadequacies. but whatever, it usually doesn't take much for me (like overhearing some superficial gibberish or people laughing for no reason) to turn from a state of indifference and boredom to a state of deep destructive hatred. yes, it's true, it's an inability of mine not to be able to get along with other people, i always feel so tense and inhibited and cold when i encounter one of my fellow students (or anyone else), talking to someone is a real torture for me, but i wouldn't like to make friends with anyone of them anyway. the problem is with that lousy and worthless character of mine i will never find a girlfriend and this is something that really bothers me. now i have 3 weeks off from university (i'm a student of mathematics) and there is plenty of things i could or should learn but i can hardly drag myself to do anything useful (and i wouldn't even know where to start, it's like all the things have collapsed around and i could only pick up some pieces). the best i can do is stay in bed, listening to some canadian postrock-bands and reading nietzsche.