i don't even know what i'm doing here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by donkeyrobsbank, Dec 23, 2008.

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  1. donkeyrobsbank

    donkeyrobsbank New Member

    hello everybody. i really don't know what to do anymore as my suicidal tendencies have been growing bigger and bigger over the last years. i was diagnosed depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social phobia and schizoid personality disorder, i have done therapy after therapy (and each psychologist told me something different about what i was suffering from), i was prescribed all kinds of antidepressants and i've been to a day hospital for 8 weeks. nothing has helped me.
    it seems to me like everything this world has to offer doesn't really satisfies me, most of the time i don't even feel sad, it's more like a feeling of emptiness and indifference, and also: hate. somehow i think that being a misanthropist only reflects the way we think of ourselves, our own inadequacies. but whatever, it usually doesn't take much for me (like overhearing some superficial gibberish or people laughing for no reason) to turn from a state of indifference and boredom to a state of deep destructive hatred. yes, it's true, it's an inability of mine not to be able to get along with other people, i always feel so tense and inhibited and cold when i encounter one of my fellow students (or anyone else), talking to someone is a real torture for me, but i wouldn't like to make friends with anyone of them anyway. the problem is with that lousy and worthless character of mine i will never find a girlfriend and this is something that really bothers me.
    now i have 3 weeks off from university (i'm a student of mathematics) and there is plenty of things i could or should learn but i can hardly drag myself to do anything useful (and i wouldn't even know where to start, it's like all the things have collapsed around and i could only pick up some pieces). the best i can do is stay in bed, listening to some canadian postrock-bands and reading nietzsche.
     
  2. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. What you are doing here is probably reaching out for help. I hope you find the place as much support as I have.
     
  3. meh__

    meh__ Well-Known Member

    this is one of my first posts on any forum but i just wanted to tell you that i've gone through alot of the same things with therapists and psychologists; i was diagnosed with severe depression and social anxiety and everytime i went to a new doctor they'd tell me i had some other shit. ive been on tons of anti depressants and anti anxiety meds but all they did was make me a zombie.. i also went to a day hospital for about 2 months in the 10th grade (i just graduated this year) and i've never known anyone else who went to one so i just wanted to say you're not completely alonee.

    - marla
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey DRB,
    You said you are off from school for three weeks. Why don't you find a bed and breakfast somewhere out in the country with nature walks. Just go for walks and get to know yourself better. Just enjoy the nature around you and try to give yourself peace of mind.
    You said you have work to do for school but don't know where to start. Why don't you go back and revue what you have already done, maybe that will help you move forward to the things you need to do.
    As far as people pissing you off, try to remember they are in there own little worlds and struggling to get by. Try joining a club or something. Surely there is a math club there. If that is your passion then follow up on it. If there is no such club, go to a counselor and find out what you need to do to start a math club and ppl will migrate to it. That might take a little time, eventually the word will get around that there is such a place for them to join.
    I hope this helps a little and remember we are here to help support you!!~Joseph~
     
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