I don't even know what's wrong with me cause it was never ok to have emotional problems in my family. There has been something wrong with me since I was a little kid though. The couple of times I tried to talk to my mom about why I felt the way I did she told me to "quit acting like I lost my best friend" (whatever that means) and then just ignored me. My dad had an affair and left my mom when I was a newborn, had 3 older siblings. His family forced him to come back and take care of his family, I guess they shamed him into it. Anyway I was whipped with a belt at least once a week when I was a child, and that was in the days when girls all wore dresses (I am 49 now). I almost always had welts on my legs, but the teachers never did anything about it. I always knew and felt the hate and resentment my dad had for having to be there. My mom recently told me she knows he has loved this other woman since then, so she's had her own hell to live too. I have screwed up everything I ever did. I do have the same job of 20 years now, unbelievable I know, but no one knows me. I don't really have even one friend where I work because I fear and don't trust anyone. I have wanted to die for months now. Last week I thought I was going to do it for sure. The thing that keeps me from it is the fact that my two son's dad died when they were 10 and 12 years old (we were divorced) and I know how wrong it would be to leave my children without any parent, intentionally. So I pray that God will let me die of natural causes or through an accident or something. When I go to bed I pray to never wake up. I am already dead inside though, so it would just be finishing the job off is all.