I don't even know what's wrong

I don't even know what's wrong with me cause it was never ok to have emotional problems in my family. There has been something wrong with me since I was a little kid though. The couple of times I tried to talk to my mom about why I felt the way I did she told me to "quit acting like I lost my best friend" (whatever that means) and then just ignored me. My dad had an affair and left my mom when I was a newborn, had 3 older siblings. His family forced him to come back and take care of his family, I guess they shamed him into it. Anyway I was whipped with a belt at least once a week when I was a child, and that was in the days when girls all wore dresses (I am 49 now). I almost always had welts on my legs, but the teachers never did anything about it. I always knew and felt the hate and resentment my dad had for having to be there. My mom recently told me she knows he has loved this other woman since then, so she's had her own hell to live too. I have screwed up everything I ever did. I do have the same job of 20 years now, unbelievable I know, but no one knows me. I don't really have even one friend where I work because I fear and don't trust anyone. I have wanted to die for months now. Last week I thought I was going to do it for sure. The thing that keeps me from it is the fact that my two son's dad died when they were 10 and 12 years old (we were divorced) and I know how wrong it would be to leave my children without any parent, intentionally. So I pray that God will let me die of natural causes or through an accident or something. When I go to bed I pray to never wake up. I am already dead inside though, so it would just be finishing the job off is all.

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much bombeni. I'm here for you.

I don't know what it's like to have grown up with physical abuse, but I do know what it's like to grow up with abuse. I was sexually abused for 8 years as a child. I know what it's like to have the safety of home and family ripped from you.

I also wish that I wouldn't wake up. I'm in a kind of hell myself right now and am in so much pain that I can barely breathe. But I still want to be here for you.

It's a great accomplishment to be able to hold a job for 20 years. I hope that you can continue to hang on.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting too. Hey btw I live in oklahoma too. I am really fighting this suicide thing. My mom actually told me yesterday that I don't have the guts to kill myself. If that gives you any idea of the anger and coldness that runs in my family.

When I was 10 years old my dad hit me in the eye with a belt buckle. I don't even remember what I supposedly did to get whipped that time. But anyway my eye was bleeding and my mom took me to emergency room. The doctor said my eye was hemorraging internally and if it didn't stop I would be blind in that eye. Oh yeah, I was told on the way to the hospital I had to tell them that a playmate accidentally hit me in the eye with the end of a garden hose. I was tied to a hospital bed for 8 days, and had bandages over both eyes for some reason. I could not move for 8 days as this is how they were stopping the internal bleeding. I just remember my mom and grandma every few hours whispering to me that if I told anyone what really happened, my dad would go to jail and none of us would have a home anymore or food to eat. I have never told anyone any of this. But lately all the pain I have been internalizing all my life is ANGRY now. I gotta feel better or die.

 

Well, hello fellow Okie. :biggrin:

What your mom said was awful! She's your MOM! She shouldn't talk to you like that. You deserve to have your mom hold you and tell you it'll be ok. I'm so sorry you're being treated like that.

I wish you hadn't had to go through that... I hope your eye healed. I know the fear of 'if I tell, I'll lose my family'. I had similar fears growing up.

I bet you're angry. You have every right to be! No one deserves to be treated the way you have. I hope you feel better soon. I know exactly what you mean by if you don't feel better, you'll die. I feel the same way.

Hang in there, hun. PM me if you want to talk. :hug: