I don't even know where to start with this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kiria, Jan 8, 2015.

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  1. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    First, forgive me for rambling. I'm probably gonna be all over the place here. I'm 37, disabled and on SSI. I have bipolar disorder, panic disorder, near-chronic migraines, asthma, and currently kidney stones. I was raised in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive home. My dad, who wasn't a jerk all the time, died of cancer in 2008. I was his primary (pretty much only) caregiver for three years. My younger brother, who wasn't that bad a kid except for acting out when he knew where it'd land him, has taken over being an emotionally abusive jerk toward me. My mom, who stayed out of dad's way as much as she could, even if that meant just letting him treat the kids like we were worth nothing, is 63 and now suffering from early-onset dementia. It's rapidly progressing, and guess who her primary caregiver is?

    My brother and I already live with her; neither of us have ever lived anywhere else except with our parents, though god knows I'd love to have my own place someday, but it's not going to happen. I could deal with caring for my mom like this, I really could. It's taking an adjustment period and learning how to deal with a bunch of 'adult' crap that I was never taught, but we're getting there. I'm getting there. The main problem is my aunt and uncle. My mom's sister and my mom's twin brother (she comes from a big family, there're seven kids) initially got involved last year when mom started showing signs of having a problem. We (my brother and I) didn't even know anything was wrong with her until last October, when her work sent a letter home saying they were gonna fire her if she couldn't explain her memory lapses. We took care of that, and it started a long road of my mom being on paid leave while she saw doctor after doctor, and they couldn't find a damn thing wrong with her while her memory went to hell, her speech went to hell, everything went to hell. Finally a couple months ago they slapped the label of early-onset dementia with Lewy Bodies on it and said good luck.

    Back to my aunt, right. Okay. So she was a social worker in another state for 12 years (she never, ever lets anyone forget it) and she's a bully on top of that. She's been handling getting mom appointments and getting her retirement going, and we got mom on SS thanks to her, but all she ever does is stick her nose in where it doesn't belong. She's convinced that my brother and I can't look after mom despite having some sort of experience with this crap. She hates us 'cause of our dad, but spends all this time telling us that she and our uncles aren't the enemy. I can't even get into everything she's doing 'cause I'm so close to the edge right now. Hell, that's why I'm here. Financially, we're screwed after a certain point, and that's with our mom living here. We're dead in the water when she's gone, whether by death or being put in a home. My brother is unemployed and barely looking despite the situation 'cause he's convinced he's unemployable. I get less than 900 a month to live on, and 750 pays my rent in this house (we're renting the house from an old work friend of mom's, been here over a decade). The rest goes to internet so I can pay bills and try and keep in touch with my few friends, none of whom live in this state and only one that I've met in person so far.

    My aunt keeps trying to use my illnesses against me and short of dragging me to court (so far) trying to declare me incompetent and unable to care for mom in any way. My uncle is completely behind her and busy telling us that we're not entitled to any of mom's money (as if he would know). I'm off my meds again, so dealing with my aunt is just

    The breaking point was a few days ago. My brother got in a car wreck when he was coming back from church with mom; it wasn't bad, they weren't hurt, but the car's in the shop and is gonna cost, right now, over 2100 just to fix the bumper. They don't even know about the underside yet. We've got a rental in the meanwhile to get around to doctor appts and whatnot, but we're hiding the accident from my aunt 'cause she'll use it. She's been threatening for a month now to have a social worker get involved (why, honestly, we're taking good care of mom, we are), and she went ahead and made an appt. The social worker and a nurse will be here next Friday, the 16th, to assess mom and her living conditions. God only knows what my aunt's told her. If they take her away, we're screwed. I'll be homeless and my kitties (we have seven) will all end up being put down. My brother'll be homeless. Mom'll go to a home and waste away. She was in the hospital for a week for dehydration in Sept and then rehab for a week after that to learn how to walk again and she hated it there. She's happy here, and as tough as everything is, we want her here.

    But this crap with my aunt, that's it. I've been on-off suicidal for months now, mostly 'cause of her. My brother doesn't help, but it's mostly her. I hate her and my uncle so much it's not even something to joke about. I keep wishing they'd die and leave us alone. More than that, I want to die, and I've finally decided I'm going to. I don't have a specific plan, or even an idea of how to do it. I'm really squeamish about blood, you know? And pain scares the hell out of me. I've got surgery for the kidney stones in March (it was pushed back by the dr again) and I'm terrified I'm gonna die. But still, I'm done. I figure I'll keep fighting until we find out if they're gonna take mom. If they do, what's the point to going on? I'll have nowhere to go, I'll have lost everything. I'm not worth anything anyway. That's nearly all I ever heard growing up, that I wasn't worth the powder to blow me up, that I had crap for brains, that I was more trouble than I was worth. And it's true. It's always been true and I was too stupid to see it.

    My friends'll be upset, but they'll get over it. I don't know why they bother with me, but I love them for it. I hope it doesn't hurt them too much.

    Funny thing is, while I'm writing this, part of me is still screaming NO over and over. The part that doesn't want this, that thinks I can get through this somehow. That maybe I won't end up on the street. There're still things I want to do. I want to fall in love and have kids. Failing that, I'll adopt every one I can get my hands on. I want to raise decent human beings. I want a pale blue two-story house with a white picket fence and roses lining the walkway. I want a porch swing and a bathroom decorated in Hello Kitty. I want to be a writer, and an artist, and

    I don't want to die, but it feels like I don't have a choice anymore. They keep being taken away and I'm too weak to stop it. We're working on trying to get a lawyer, and I do have a therapist, I just haven't seen her in two years. I just saw my new shrink (my old one moved clinics) less than a week ago, and he recommended I go back. I called yesterday to make an appt. The clinic knows it's important - I didn't tell them it was an emergency 'cause I don't want to be committed (my dad used to threaten me with that all the time, ever since I was 14 and threatened to kill myself when I first went into depression. Wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until I was around 22.) but 'cause it's been so long, I have to be reassessed.

    That's not until January 28th, and in my mind that's far too late. I need help now, I need hugs and someone to listen and help me make this okay. I'm drowning and I've tried going to my brother, as stupid as that is, 'cause he's Mr. Religious and sometimes does give helpful advice. 'Cept he's just as screwed up as me, maybe more, and he doesn't believe I'm that suicidal 'cause 'if you were serious about it, you would've done it already. You wouldn't threaten, you'd just do it'.

    But I don't want to.

    I don't know when I'll be able to respond to this thread, if I get any replies. In addition to taking care of mom (she's still somewhat understandable, knows us, and she's mobile, so we have to be sure she doesn't leave the house on her own, she opens the front door kinda randomly sometimes) we're trying to make the house sparkle, which is kinda impossible considering it was cruddy when we moved in. But at least we're making the attempt.

    I guess I feel a little better getting this out, if only for the next moment, or five minutes, or whatever. I'm sorry if not much makes sense, and it's not even all of what's going on. But I had to do this somewhere.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Wow, what a long story and hurtful situation. I can see that you are hurting and you have no where to turn to. Life has been harsh to you but remember you are a human being and deserve to live you life. Can you turn to any voluntary organisations for help or speak to someone?

    Families are hard at the best of times but the important thing that you and your brother are safe. You need to be safe but cannot any of your friends help you who live out of state. I know you are hurting but remember you are not alone in this world. You seem a nice person and life has been cruel to you. With you own illnesses, I admire you commitment in looking after you mum.

    Perhaps you and your brother could get together and formulate a plan for the meeting with the social worker. Perhaps if you can get the name of the social worker visiting and contact them before the visit next week to explain the situation without your Aunty knowing. At the end of the day, as you are the next of kin, you have rights on welfare of your mum despite your own issues. If you and your brother can show responsibility to these visiting people, then it might help you.

    You are a worthy person and please do not think you are alone in the world. I hope this post helps you. Keep posting here for help you deserve. If you want to talk, then PM me direct. Take care and remember to be safe.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2015
  3. gsp

    gsp Member

    Hi Kiria,

    I'm new here too, and I don't know if what I'm saying will be helpful to you, but I think you definitely heard the wrong messages growing up. Don't listen to those things. I mean, I wouldn't say those things to my worst enemy. You're a valuable person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
  4. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    incrisis99: I've tried talking to people at two different suicide prevention hotlines (several times, in fact) and once they determine I'm not going to off myself right that second, they tell me to talk to a therapist 'but call again if I need help'. That doesn't do much good when I'm in tears and so stressed out I can barely talk. I understand there are other people worse off than me also calling, but is spending ten minutes or so talking me down really that big a problem? The most help I got over the phone came from the Alzheimer's hotline, surprisingly. She talked with me for over an hour and was very encouraging. Sadly I haven't been lucky enough to talk with her again when I've had to call on advice about how to handle a few things with my mom's behavior.

    None of my friends are in a position to help aside from internet hugs and being willing to listen if I need to rant. They've all got their own lives going on, and no one's got any money, so it's not like I could take a mini-vacation and leave mom with my brother. (Not that I'd be able to bring myself to even if I could. I'm still worrying about how things will go here when I have my surgery since the hospital's gonna keep me at least overnight for pain control and my asthma.) There's no money for respite care either, though I'm trying to apply for a one-time grant. It'd get someone out here for at least a couple hours a few times, but the joke with that is the aunt again. We're incompetent if we need someone to do that, but she's also currently pushing that we do it. The woman makes my head ache.

    About the only plan we have right now is to have a super-clean house and hope that mom's having one of her good days. We've got the numbers/names of the social worker and nurse, but since my aunt's already spoken to them, chances are damn good that whatever we tell them will get funneled right back to her. I love how it sounds like we're being paranoid, but we're not. My aunt has my aunt-by-marriage that lives down here reporting back to her whenever she drops by to visit, and she's a terrible gossip. Every little thing gets exaggerated and tossed back.

    Reality: Mom's having a bad speech day and keeps saying 'no' when she means 'yes'. Aunt asks if she's okay, gets the answer of no. Asks again. Same answer. Asks again, mom finally finds the right word and answers yes. (They're aware she messes up her words, btw.)

    What Gossip Aunt says to Meddling Aunt: I talked to her today and she says she's not okay. She seemed really off and I'm not sure if the kids (we're always 'the kids') are doing right by her. They seemed pretty overwhelmed.

    For cripes sake, about two months ago mom's best friend was gonna take her out to lunch. I ended up with a dr appt scheduled for me that day, and the timing was bad so we had to take mom with us. Talked to the friend and explained, rescheduled the lunch date for the next week. Couple days later, aunt and uncle (her husband, not the brother) come down for a visit. Aunt brings that up and accuses us of trying to keep people from seeing mom. Brother and I: O.O WTH did that come from? If people want to see her, feel free, just call first so we can straighten up if need be.

    Despite being next of kin I think we're still gonna need a lawyer, this is ridiculous.

    I don't think I'm really worthy of anything except constantly catching crap. It seems like no matter how hard I work or try to maintain things, the rug just keeps getting pulled out from under me. I'm tempted to tell my aunt if she wants to ruin our lives so bad, here, take mom, take the money, and go to hell, but at the same time I can't just let her win. Thank you for the offer, and I'll try my best.
  5. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    gsp: Hey. Naw, it can be helpful in the moments where I'm not completely down on myself. It's good to hear it, I just have a hard time believing it. I'm not sure why my dad was that way, he used to blame it on his back pain (curved spine from birth). He drank a lot (not hard liquor, but you should've seen the way he went through beer, I swear. Like it was water.) but always denied that had anything to do with it. He certainly wasn't raised that way; my grandpa was the best person I've ever known, and my gran (she died of cancer when I was four, I barely remember her) was apparently a really good woman too, from everything I was ever told.

    My friend (one in particular) likes to tell me how special I am. She also wants to come down here and kick my brother in the nuts when he starts in, lol.
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, Kiria,

    Thank you for the prompt reply. I know it's hard at the moment for you and your brother. I strongly believe you are a strong person and coping on a daily basis. Please do not be dis-heartened by the situation. I'm so glad you have found this site, as you can express you feelings and thoughts. I will try my best to support you in anyway and just keep posting here for support. This community will help you as it can with emotional support you truely deserve. Take care please.
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Family drama is very draining on anyone. I'm currently witnessing one with my mother and her 6 other siblings trying to all agree on my grandmothers care, she's now out of nursing home back into the house with 24/7 care by my mom and other hired caretakers as no other sibling is willing to put their time into the care and they all can't agree on selling land and house, its just a huge mess to witness.

    it's annoying when the caretaker like you are trying to take care of your mom and someone else butts in and says something different needs to be done, where were they the whole time you've been taking care of your mom.SMH

    It's cool that you guys have 7 cats, you're blessed to have them
  8. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    You're welcome. Sometimes I actually get quiet moments, and thanks. Hopefully I'm stronger than I think. I'm glad I found this place too, I feel a little less overwhelmed at the moment, having people to talk about this with that aren't telling me to go away/get over it/suck it up.
  9. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    Oh, that's terrible! I hope you all get through it all right. My mom and brother were like that when dad was sick, neither wanted to help and we all lived here. I had to have a meltdown to get at least my brother to look after dad for a few hours.

    I know! Mom's siblings spoke to her on the phone maybe a few times a month, and saw her less than that, and now, oh look, here they are. I mean, yes, please support her while she's sick, especially with something this serious, but don't think you can waltz in and tell everyone how to do things just because you were a social worker for 12 years. Honestly, she brings it up every time she can manage. It's helped a lot in some situations, but she can stop telling us about it. She also likes to backtrack on things and go 'Oh, well I don't live there so I don't know what the situation's like/what you guys are going through exactly'. Then- dude. Just stop already, please.

    Seven happy furballs in the house makes for a very happy Kiria. Well, they're not always happy, there's a little war going on between my brother's Brat (he calls her Kitty but Brat fits her better) and everyone else, pretty much. If you dare to walk within five feet of her she goes nuts and swats/chases the offender. Usually poor Moto and Azzy. We've also got the bad habit of feeding the outdoor strays, so I've got two used-to-be-someone's-pet that come around every day, and two ferals. Both of the ferals have decided I'm made out of catnip and adore me. Every time I mention that I get told, 'Oh, they're not feral then'. Ha ha, oh yes they are. They just...really like me, for some reason. Feeling's mutual. I pretty much adopt every cat I come across if they don't adopt me first.
  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm glad you feeling a little better as its good to talk and it helps you feel less alone and stressful. Just keep posting here as you will get the emotional support you require. It's not nice when you face a crisis on your own. Just promise to be safe now and be at ease. Take care.
  11. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    I would've done this a lot sooner, I think, coming to talk to people on a board, but the last time was about twelve years ago, and one guy jumped down my throat calling me weak and basically being a jerk. Some of the other members told him off, but that was it for me. I thought, if I can't be supported among people with similar problems, why am I even trying? The fact I tend to internalize everything doesn't help at all. I'll literally hold onto all the pain and try and bury it until I break down. My brother's the opposite, he gets mad and oh god, the whole world knows it. Right now, he's playing his PS3 and screaming every time something doesn't go his way. He swears it's stress relief, but I think it'll end up giving him high blood pressure...not to mention he's had to replace two controllers already. They had an unfortunate meeting with a concrete floor. :boom: Dealing with his anger's not good for me at all, I flinch and pull in on myself and want to hide somewhere. Same reaction I had with dad's issues.

    And there goes my rambling. I've got a dentist appt at 1 and I took a tranquilizer, so I tend to babble for a bit at first. Today seems to be one of mom's so-so days, where she's constantly moving and asking the same questions, but is only partly understandable. I'm getting around five minutes at a time to myself before she's in here again. It's frustrating, but I'm really glad you guys are here. I also feel a lot less like doing something stupid today, which I'm grateful for. Can't promise that won't change at some point, but it's nice. Also helps that I'm on my second day of the Lithium again. :) Only 150 mg pill a day for the first five, then two for the next five, and so on. I'm supposed to get back to 900mg a day. After that I can restart the Zoloft. I always feel so much better when I'm on my meds, I dunno why I keep stopping them.

    I'll do my best to try and stay a little more upbeat today, thanks.
  12. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, just remember with depression it's about coping on a day by day basis. You can cope but everyday is different depending on what's happening. Take care and be safe.
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