First, forgive me for rambling. I'm probably gonna be all over the place here. I'm 37, disabled and on SSI. I have bipolar disorder, panic disorder, near-chronic migraines, asthma, and currently kidney stones. I was raised in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive home. My dad, who wasn't a jerk all the time, died of cancer in 2008. I was his primary (pretty much only) caregiver for three years. My younger brother, who wasn't that bad a kid except for acting out when he knew where it'd land him, has taken over being an emotionally abusive jerk toward me. My mom, who stayed out of dad's way as much as she could, even if that meant just letting him treat the kids like we were worth nothing, is 63 and now suffering from early-onset dementia. It's rapidly progressing, and guess who her primary caregiver is? My brother and I already live with her; neither of us have ever lived anywhere else except with our parents, though god knows I'd love to have my own place someday, but it's not going to happen. I could deal with caring for my mom like this, I really could. It's taking an adjustment period and learning how to deal with a bunch of 'adult' crap that I was never taught, but we're getting there. I'm getting there. The main problem is my aunt and uncle. My mom's sister and my mom's twin brother (she comes from a big family, there're seven kids) initially got involved last year when mom started showing signs of having a problem. We (my brother and I) didn't even know anything was wrong with her until last October, when her work sent a letter home saying they were gonna fire her if she couldn't explain her memory lapses. We took care of that, and it started a long road of my mom being on paid leave while she saw doctor after doctor, and they couldn't find a damn thing wrong with her while her memory went to hell, her speech went to hell, everything went to hell. Finally a couple months ago they slapped the label of early-onset dementia with Lewy Bodies on it and said good luck. Back to my aunt, right. Okay. So she was a social worker in another state for 12 years (she never, ever lets anyone forget it) and she's a bully on top of that. She's been handling getting mom appointments and getting her retirement going, and we got mom on SS thanks to her, but all she ever does is stick her nose in where it doesn't belong. She's convinced that my brother and I can't look after mom despite having some sort of experience with this crap. She hates us 'cause of our dad, but spends all this time telling us that she and our uncles aren't the enemy. I can't even get into everything she's doing 'cause I'm so close to the edge right now. Hell, that's why I'm here. Financially, we're screwed after a certain point, and that's with our mom living here. We're dead in the water when she's gone, whether by death or being put in a home. My brother is unemployed and barely looking despite the situation 'cause he's convinced he's unemployable. I get less than 900 a month to live on, and 750 pays my rent in this house (we're renting the house from an old work friend of mom's, been here over a decade). The rest goes to internet so I can pay bills and try and keep in touch with my few friends, none of whom live in this state and only one that I've met in person so far. My aunt keeps trying to use my illnesses against me and short of dragging me to court (so far) trying to declare me incompetent and unable to care for mom in any way. My uncle is completely behind her and busy telling us that we're not entitled to any of mom's money (as if he would know). I'm off my meds again, so dealing with my aunt is just The breaking point was a few days ago. My brother got in a car wreck when he was coming back from church with mom; it wasn't bad, they weren't hurt, but the car's in the shop and is gonna cost, right now, over 2100 just to fix the bumper. They don't even know about the underside yet. We've got a rental in the meanwhile to get around to doctor appts and whatnot, but we're hiding the accident from my aunt 'cause she'll use it. She's been threatening for a month now to have a social worker get involved (why, honestly, we're taking good care of mom, we are), and she went ahead and made an appt. The social worker and a nurse will be here next Friday, the 16th, to assess mom and her living conditions. God only knows what my aunt's told her. If they take her away, we're screwed. I'll be homeless and my kitties (we have seven) will all end up being put down. My brother'll be homeless. Mom'll go to a home and waste away. She was in the hospital for a week for dehydration in Sept and then rehab for a week after that to learn how to walk again and she hated it there. She's happy here, and as tough as everything is, we want her here. But this crap with my aunt, that's it. I've been on-off suicidal for months now, mostly 'cause of her. My brother doesn't help, but it's mostly her. I hate her and my uncle so much it's not even something to joke about. I keep wishing they'd die and leave us alone. More than that, I want to die, and I've finally decided I'm going to. I don't have a specific plan, or even an idea of how to do it. I'm really squeamish about blood, you know? And pain scares the hell out of me. I've got surgery for the kidney stones in March (it was pushed back by the dr again) and I'm terrified I'm gonna die. But still, I'm done. I figure I'll keep fighting until we find out if they're gonna take mom. If they do, what's the point to going on? I'll have nowhere to go, I'll have lost everything. I'm not worth anything anyway. That's nearly all I ever heard growing up, that I wasn't worth the powder to blow me up, that I had crap for brains, that I was more trouble than I was worth. And it's true. It's always been true and I was too stupid to see it. My friends'll be upset, but they'll get over it. I don't know why they bother with me, but I love them for it. I hope it doesn't hurt them too much. Funny thing is, while I'm writing this, part of me is still screaming NO over and over. The part that doesn't want this, that thinks I can get through this somehow. That maybe I won't end up on the street. There're still things I want to do. I want to fall in love and have kids. Failing that, I'll adopt every one I can get my hands on. I want to raise decent human beings. I want a pale blue two-story house with a white picket fence and roses lining the walkway. I want a porch swing and a bathroom decorated in Hello Kitty. I want to be a writer, and an artist, and I don't want to die, but it feels like I don't have a choice anymore. They keep being taken away and I'm too weak to stop it. We're working on trying to get a lawyer, and I do have a therapist, I just haven't seen her in two years. I just saw my new shrink (my old one moved clinics) less than a week ago, and he recommended I go back. I called yesterday to make an appt. The clinic knows it's important - I didn't tell them it was an emergency 'cause I don't want to be committed (my dad used to threaten me with that all the time, ever since I was 14 and threatened to kill myself when I first went into depression. Wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until I was around 22.) but 'cause it's been so long, I have to be reassessed. That's not until January 28th, and in my mind that's far too late. I need help now, I need hugs and someone to listen and help me make this okay. I'm drowning and I've tried going to my brother, as stupid as that is, 'cause he's Mr. Religious and sometimes does give helpful advice. 'Cept he's just as screwed up as me, maybe more, and he doesn't believe I'm that suicidal 'cause 'if you were serious about it, you would've done it already. You wouldn't threaten, you'd just do it'. But I don't want to. I don't know when I'll be able to respond to this thread, if I get any replies. In addition to taking care of mom (she's still somewhat understandable, knows us, and she's mobile, so we have to be sure she doesn't leave the house on her own, she opens the front door kinda randomly sometimes) we're trying to make the house sparkle, which is kinda impossible considering it was cruddy when we moved in. But at least we're making the attempt. I guess I feel a little better getting this out, if only for the next moment, or five minutes, or whatever. I'm sorry if not much makes sense, and it's not even all of what's going on. But I had to do this somewhere.