I don't even know where to start

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ruined, Feb 13, 2012.

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  1. ruined

    ruined New Member

    It wasn't always like this but things happened and it was like a switch was turned on that I've never been able to turn off completely. Even in my happiest moments, when there's been very little wrong there's been this vague, underlying, nihilistic, don't give a fuck if I die sort of mentality. I was able to hide it quite well, now I can't. My life is a complete and utter disaster. If I killed myself now though it wouldn't be such a surprise to people. I don't know how to get through the days, the time passes for slowly and there's nothing I either want to do or feel I can do.

    It's all I think about, the thoughts give me some kind of relief but I'm unable to speak to anyone about how I truly feel.

    Am I allowed to be explicit? Please delete if this is inappropriate. <Mod Edit - Acy - methods> I wish there was nothing of me for anyone to find.

    I look at pictures of myself as a kid and am amazed at how badly things turned out of me - I couldn't have imagined then how much pain, pain beyond my wildest dreams, was waiting in store for me. I'm really one of those people who should never have been born.

    I have to swallow my pride and say I'm desperate for someone to talk to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2012
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    This is a good first step. You've taken the time to register and post on this forum seeking some form of help - which means there's some fighting spirit to survive still in you.

    Yes I look for positives in as many situations as I can - and I've had the levitation of this forum/chatroom to help me within the last 7 weeks. I've come out the other end much better as a person, and everything feels better as a result.

    :hug: - Do you remember if at all what may have started this off?
  3. dakotavike

    dakotavike Member

    Just know that things do get better, trust me. I have been to the bottom of the abyss and back. It helps alot to talk about what is on your mind and let it out. You need to know that you are not alone.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, ruined. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly at the moment, but I'm glad you reached out here :hug:. It's often very helpful to vent and share the build up of feelings. Have you had a physical check up at your doc's lately? There are physical things (usually easy to fix!) that can cause depression. Also, the doctor might recommend antidepressant meds and refer you to someone for therapy - both meds and therapycan be such a great help in getting through the depression and staying stable after. Perhaps make an appointment to talk to your doc. And in the meantime, keep posting and sharing here. Hoping to see more of you around the forums. :)
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