It wasn't always like this but things happened and it was like a switch was turned on that I've never been able to turn off completely. Even in my happiest moments, when there's been very little wrong there's been this vague, underlying, nihilistic, don't give a fuck if I die sort of mentality. I was able to hide it quite well, now I can't. My life is a complete and utter disaster. If I killed myself now though it wouldn't be such a surprise to people. I don't know how to get through the days, the time passes for slowly and there's nothing I either want to do or feel I can do. It's all I think about, the thoughts give me some kind of relief but I'm unable to speak to anyone about how I truly feel. Am I allowed to be explicit? Please delete if this is inappropriate. <Mod Edit - Acy - methods> I wish there was nothing of me for anyone to find. I look at pictures of myself as a kid and am amazed at how badly things turned out of me - I couldn't have imagined then how much pain, pain beyond my wildest dreams, was waiting in store for me. I'm really one of those people who should never have been born. I have to swallow my pride and say I'm desperate for someone to talk to.