i dont even know who i am anymore. good bye.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by UsedToBe, Jun 11, 2011.

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  1. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    I'm crap. I don't even know who I am anymore. That's it. I'm ending it tonight. There's nothing now that could stop me. I kissed the kids good bye, I don't love my husband, my family disowned me. Good bye.
     
  2. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    And it's such a nice evening and I feel so peaceful and calm....
     
  3. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    your not crap, please juniper please dont ,so you dont love your husband thats no reason to leave the children

    dont make it peaceful turn the stereo on sing shout please whatever it takes make some noise
     
  4. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    It feels so good on my own and so out of place among people.
     
  5. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    sweetie, but your children never disowned you...they love you and that is all that counts or matters right now. their love and acceptance is far more important than any others who walk this earth.

    regroup, rethink. take time to get to know who you are, find yourself, nurture you.

    perhaps talk?

    **hug**
     
  6. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i know the feeling the being alone with your thoughts,no one to bother you with stupid questions
    but its also the bad thoughts can run through your head with no one to distract you either
    the peace and calm is great when you need peace and calm but right now you need a distraction
     
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi juniper,

    What is love??? When you love someone, what do you love them to have?? Freedom? Peace?…

    Do you love yourself? Maybe it’s not the colleague’s love you need, but your own love of yourself? Your unconditional love and acceptance of yourself?

    It usually looks better when you see someone or something from a distance. Maybe your strong emotion towards your colleague is based on some imaginary pictures you projected onto your mind. Maybe you would find out that you don’t really love him the way you think you do now when you get real close to him, such as after living together for a while… The truth is that none of this really matters absolutely. One thing is certain - that is you would feel different some time later no matter what is happening with your colleague now…

    It’s not necessarily a bad thing when we don’t know who we are any more. When we don’t feel that we know who we are, we may be more aware that we are not who we thought we were - the body with a name, life stories/experiences, family, job, personality… Who we truly are is beyond all this…

    Here is something maybe you can relate to more easily now. It’s from a book where the author talks about his own life story:

    "I cannot live with myself any longer." This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I' and the `self' that `I' cannot live with." "Maybe," I thought, "only one of them is real."

    The book is “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. (Eckhart now enjoys life and lives truly/deeply peacefully.) Here is a link to free download of the book in PDF (see page 8 for the above-mentioned story):

    http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Power-Of-Now-EckhartTolle.pdf

    Also, here is a video clip:

    Your Thoughts Make You Suffer ~ Eckhart Tolle
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_eASmGTd00

    I hope you give yourself more time and live to see the truth of life…
     
  8. Catfreak

    Catfreak Active Member

    I agree and sympathise but that quote has got me thinking. Even in the depths of despair. Alone is fine but it does get so lonely but that wil pass. Much like all our feelings be them good or bad. Death is final, something we can't change. A thought I've tried to remember is 'what if death isn't the end and it is actually worse than this?' wedont know these things so it's worth sticking with the curiosity for as long as possible x
     
  9. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    Still around.
    Seeing him next Friday. Maybe this will give me courage and strength to end this painful uncertainty. I feel so weak I can't even bother getting up.
     
  10. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    But this only proves how crap I am holding on to some stupid idea. This isn't even real yet it keeps me hanging on. I feel like I was sent some kind of an angel to keep me holding on until I have enough strength to cope. I feel like I am being forced to live.
     
  11. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi again juniper,

    You may think that you are holding on to “some stupid idea”, but the reality is that you are actually holding on to life itself. The truth is that you ARE life. (You are the angel...) One can kill the body while life remains. I know this is from a very different perspective, but maybe you can begin to sense it now…

    Believe or not, suicide is (probably) the worst way to go. We can always find strength to live - (for our being or spirit or whatever you call it) to experience life through the human form. We actually know this from deep within us…if only we look deep within…when our mind is quiet…it’s truly a free way to live…(who we usually think we are is actually a fictitious self or ego)…

    With loving wishes…
     
  12. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Hey hun, glad to see you are still with us. You are a strong person and the angel just shows there are people in your life who care <3

    Keep talking and maybe we can help you through these hard times.

    :hug: xx
     
  13. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    Juniper, i have told my psych i dont know who i am any more..and it is a bad feeling, BUT it doesnt mean the end. i get asked, who do i think i was before
    i felt this way...why do you think you cant be that person again...do your children love you still...do your kids know who you are?

    there are so many questions to answer before you abandon your children...do you really want them to think you didnt love them enough to stay alive...they need you, isnt that reason enough to fight your demons?

    talk to someone about your feelings, i am struggling to know who i am so i am sympathetic to your thoughts...but think of your children to keep you trying to work it out.

    :hug:
     
  14. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.
    My husband keeps on asking me if I still love him and I'm not brave enough to tell the truth.
    I've been on anti-depressants for nearly a year now. I think it is time to stop taking them. They are not helping me. Life hurts the same or even more with every relapse, I have no more tears to cry. All these stupid meds do is make me too weak to kill myself.
     
  15. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    maybe try a different antidepressant, they do the say thing but some are more effective than others. its worth exploring all avenues before you resort to extreme measures.

    dont give up..its a hard fight...but you have only just started the battle, stay strong and focused on life and your kids... :hug:
     
  16. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    My daughter told me today that she wishes I was dead. I wish it too... I can't switch myself on anymore. Feels like dying anyway.
     
  17. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You know you cannot listen to your daughter. She has no idea what she is saying…

    Maybe you don’t think you love your husband now, but you are not completely sure. Maybe that’s why you have not answered him directly or clearly. I remember that you said something nice about your husband. (Maybe you can rethink about your feelings for your husband with no guilty feelings for what has been happening with your colleague.) It’s hard to define what love is sometimes…

    You don’t have to pressure yourself to give him a clear answer as the truth may be that you don’t really know for sure… Maybe you can tell him “I’m not sure” or something like that for the time being?……

    Hang in there!!
     
  18. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    I'm seeing my counselor in a couple minutes. It's a one off appointment to check on me as when I saw her last time a month ago I was suicidal. nothing changed. I feel everything what I'm going to say is childish and I know I'll be wasting her time. I feel like an attention seeker, I know people think I am.
    nothing's worth sharing anymore. I find it hard to breathe and hard to open my eyes in the morning. how long till I can finally let go?? Why are all these things happening that stop me??
     
  19. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    how did your appt go? its odd when you dont feel connected...i actually emailed my psych on fri as i felt like you..the easy option is to give in..but you have a reason to fight...your kids...forget you dont love your husband...what about your kids, you could make them feel guilty for life that
    you didnt love them enough to stay alive. post here and talk it out...we have all been in your dark place...we can help, but dont punish your children they love and need you no matter what they say. they are scared. :hug:
     
  20. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You know what you say is not childish and you are not an attention seeker - what’s really true or what really matters IS your knowing by your heart, NOT what your thoughts or feelings about your thoughts….NOT what others think…

    You judge yourself too much... Please be kind to yourself. You deserve the most kindness from yourself… You know you do… It seems that you are at the mercy of the mind now… Please give your heart a chance!! I assure you that you will be glad one day if you do give your heart a chance… Let your heart lead you…NOT the mind….

    hugs :hug:
     
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