... since I know chances are this topic is going to get a lot of views and no replies, and probably modded and deleted like the last time I needed some advice, I really don't give a royal shit. I know when the chips are down no one cares. I'm not stupid, but I'm just venting. I've done my best to stop thinking about suicide since November of last year, and did my best to be emotionally independent. Sometimes the loneliness creeps up and I start thinking back at all the times I've failed in every aspect and avenue that life presented to me. I realize I must be one of the few out there who feel like a "living ghost", invisible and all devoid of heart and emotion, and what little I did have before, was always ignored or stomped on like a helpless insect. Of course, I've felt invisible on here as well, which isn't exactly surprising, much like the rest of the world. But like I said, I'm done caring. Although I've been on this site for a long time, I'm coming more to terms that I'm going to be feeling this way for years to come should I choose to carry on and live, being lambasted, neglected, and rejected like I've always been. Sure, you can change yourself, but how long does it really last? You may be able to change your appearance and thought process, but you won't be able to change the world around you. It will still remain a cold and desolate environment where everyone seems to be tone deaf to the extremely obvious. No one truly realizes that someone actually existed until they died, and even then, people will forget quickly. If I take my life in the coming months, no one will know who I was, no one will remember me, no one will recall my name, no one would have known the elements that created me as a person. I was a ghost when I was alive, and I will be a ghost when I'm dead. I think that's what's so sad about it, my presence thrown out of the window and not a single soul would shed a tear. Love is a mere word that has no meaning behind it. If love is an emotion, I don't know what it is. Never been shown it, never been granted it, and will never experience it. Amongst other things - happiness, fulfillment, dreams. Its all textbook bullshit only the privileged can have. Maybe I'm not thinking rationally at the moment, but I don't think I can live to the age of 30 still feeling like a doormat or a person that's only ever needed for trivial shit. I turn 29 early next month and I'm looking at it as another year having wasted my time stalling the death clock, when it was something I should've done ages ago. I guess you could say, I might be afraid, or possibly thinking things can change when I least expect it. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way if anyone would even notice if they were gone. Here on this forum, or anyone they know in real life? Probably not, I don't know. Anyway, I'm thinking between now and the next two years I might not make it. I have a surefire method, but I won't post it. Moderators will eat it up like a kid in a candy store. Alright, I'm done. Delete the post, censor it, whatever. Just wanted to post what I was feeling for so long, before I end up really having another anxiety attack.