I dont even know...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by so10, May 4, 2015.

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  1. so10

    so10 New Member

    I don't know why I even am on this site. I feel so alone that I guess I thought I would just google suicide forum and.... viola there is one.. I am not suicidal. I have zero urge to end my life.. but what I have done is quit my pretty decent job and lock myself up in my house since January. I leave the house every few days to go to the grocery store.. but I live with my boyfriend so he does that most of the time. I went out once a few weekends ago with a friend.. I felt good. but now I am still locked away. I have applied at a 1000 jobs and I set up interviews, but I can't seem to leave my house. So I am stuck in this cycle..

    I guess back story to understand why I got here.

    I have been with my bf for 8 years. We were in love once. I think he still is. Since 2010 he has worked maybe a year of that time.. the rest of the time it has been just me working. He has two kids and owes back child support.. he also had a ton of tickets stopping him from getting an ID for fear of jail. His mom paid off all his tickets, but he still wont get a id because of the back child support. I tried to leave him last summer, but he convinced me that he would change and because he was my first love and I thought we were forever, I never truly left him. Now here we are almost an entire year later and he still hasn't worked more than 3 months and I got so depressed I quit my job, which was my only way out. My car is a POS and my family is no help. I am stuck in this relationship that I know is killing me. I can't force myself to go out and get a job because I know as soon as I do, I will have to leave him. I know that no matter what this is all he will ever be and I came from a poor family.. I don't want to live my life this way. I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live either. I got with him when I was 19.. I know nothing else. I can't even cook really. ALL excuses. I know.. But I need someone to tell me what to do. step by step. I know that isn't possible.. I just wish someone else has been here and can tell me what they did.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome. Yup there's a forum for pretty much everything these days!

    I have not been in the exact situation but I have struggled with leaving the house to a point where I did not leave for quite a good while, years. It was a hell of its own. I think if you do not want to be with your boyfriend and he is dragging you down then there's a big problem and you need to leave him. His problems are HIS. You didn't create those babies he owes child support for. They are his issues. You need to go back doing the job you liked and maybe even if not leaving him just live apart. You aren't much older than I am (im 26) and I'm jealous of the good job you liked lol!

    Anyway sorry for rambling on, best of luck to you :)
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