I don't even know...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by steviedude2468, Aug 29, 2010.

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  1. steviedude2468

    steviedude2468 Banned Member

    I'm not quite sure how to get started...so..
    I look in the mirror and the devil is looking back. I truly feel like I am a bad person.

    I was in the marines and can not forget about all the messed up stuff that i've seen and done. At the time I didn't think any of it really affected me. I am now going to college and am completely isolated and don't know what to do...

    I can not forget about the messed up stuff I've done since I've been back. I just seem to screw over anybody I get close to. I am ashamed.
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I don't think the devil worries about how bad he is :) The fact that you are worried about it puts the last nail in that belief too :) And there are probably things some folks like to do that you still can't imagine how they can do such things and still not have nightmares.

    If you have the option of seeing a Dr I would do so, it just seems like you could get stuck in a vicious circle otherwise, you lash out because you are guilty and suffering and each time you do you put your guilt in the drivers seat instead of the tank.

    I know it's scary to see professionals and unfortunately, not all of them have the best of clues at hand but sometimes it takes a professional to pick us up and help us untangle the muddle we (all) get ourselves into from time to time :)
  3. I-Died-In-My-Dream

    I-Died-In-My-Dream Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't say you are to blame because back then you probably only saw it as a job. And if you actually feel bad about it now then you can't be that bad of a person.

    It seems to me that you've learned from your supposed wrong doing. So don't be so hard on yourself.

  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Stevie. Maybe talking about some of the things that you had to do while you were in the Marines might help? Don't worry, we won't judge you. You were only following orders, which you are expected to do. Also, many soldiers suffer from PTSD after returning from battle. Most normal human beings would be traumatized by having to kill people during a battle. There's no shame in being human. :hug:
  5. steviedude2468

    steviedude2468 Banned Member

    thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it. I'm not ashamed of what I did in iraq. im ashamed of how it changed me.

    I used to be such a nice person. when I was on my way back to america I tried black mailing somebody. black mailed somebody else a couple months later, then slept with my friends wife and split up his family (kinda, she cheated on him with somebody else after me, but i got the ball rolling. he still doesn't know).

    I guess that is the major events. The small events get to me too, I just seem to be mean to everybody without even realizing it half the time. i try so hard to be a good person, i dont know whats wrong with me and half of you probably can't deny that the world would be better off without me.
  6. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Steviedude2468, try getting some therapy, to have someone listen to you. Also, speak to your pastor or rabbi. You need to get in contact with your true self, that you probably cast aside for survival. Its still there, buried beneath the rubble.
    Of course, you will never be the same person you were when you left, but in some ways you can be better, by being more humble, understanding of people's sufferings. You can turn your trauma into an opportunity to help others.

    You may always have to carry pain, but make it meaningful, let it cause you to reach out kindly to others.:hugtackles:
  7. steviedude2468

    steviedude2468 Banned Member

    that makes so much sense and brought me to tears
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Steviedude2468, I hope that you are feeling better. Living with trauma is hard. I think of you and want to let you know that I am wishing you the best. Reach out to others, Stevie, and you will be able to go beyond the pain for those moments. You have a heart, and that is why you came on here so that you can find yourself and not self-destroy.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I think flowingriver has a good point. When you became a soldier, you had to turn off your emotions and be a war hero. Now that you're a civilian again, you have to get back in touch with your emotional side and show empathy for your fellow human beings.
  10. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Well the first step is recognizing and admiting that you are doing wrong, and the next step should be apologizing to everyone for your actions and behavior. It takes a big person to do these things. Just know that we all mess up, and make mistakes. You are only human after all, right? Do some soul searching and find out who you are now to who you wanna be. You are never alone. Blessings..
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