I Don't Even Know

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Casual, Sep 17, 2011.

  1. Casual

    Casual Member

    I didn't really know where to to put this. I couldn't decide on an appropriate forum so I picked this one since this is the most recent event in this episode.

    I met my current girlfriend in high school nearly three years ago my senior year and we've been dating since then. We ultimately attended the same college, UMASS Lowell for any enquiring minds, and have had a few rough patches based on what-have-you.

    Lately things haven't been going very well. We went on a date last night, first one in weeks since we're both so busy with class since I'm a Biology major and she's double majoring in CJ and psych...But after the movie we were relaxing at her house until I asked her if she wanted me to stay the night. And that's not anything new; I mean we're sexually active and she's stayed over my house plenty of nights but her response was "I don't care." I mean innocent enough right? So I decide to leave because I'm exhausted and don't want to drive home in the middle of the early AM.

    She then texts me mid drive complaining about how she should of just had me stay and I'm so tired that I dismiss her saying that if she wants to spend time with me she should just say so. I wake up this morning and my phone is flooded with apologetic texts so I finally rouse myself and call her back and the conversation was less than spectacular, it ending with me asking her if she wants to take a break or just break up and her calling out of her new job because I guess the thought made her physically and emotionally sick.

    I avoid doing classwork all morning and realize that I do want to stay together even though her stress stresses me to my limit but when I called her back she told me she needed time to herself. I guess I just plain suck.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I hate school and I hate my major. I hate having every waking hour of my life devoted to the pursuit of a degree I don't believe in. But I can't change now because I don't have the money to repeat another 3 years of schooling.

    My girlfriend is all that normally keeps me tethered down but more and more often lately I'm having these instants of lucidity when I'm driving that I can just make it all go away by not following the curve of the road and rather driving into the stone wall. And for those brief moments when I put my foot on the gas it seems like a novel idea. Then I snap out of it.

    I don't even know what I'm looking for anyone to tell me. I think I just needed to tell someone, anyone how I was feeling.

    I don't know what love is, and I don't think anyone really does. Love is ineffable and to give it meaning is to take away that meaning in the same. But I know that I sincerely want to spend my time with my girlfriend because I feel sick and pained when I don't. And for once it's never been about sex. I mean she's more or less always up for it and I'll do what I need to to keep her happy but I'm more than content to just end it with that. Or maybe I'm not and my lack of sex drive is a symptom along with these suicidal lucid moments.

    I don't know. I just know that I have a lot of work to do and my time is probably better spent not on these forums complaining when plenty of other people probably have it far worse than I do.

    I just can't find or see any motivation or point to continuing anything in my life right now. I want to drop out of college. I want my girlfriend to stop stressing and be happy, and I want my family to be happy. I don't know how to make myself happy anymore. I was promised a job, would of been my first, over the summer and when I called back in September they had no idea who I was. I used to cut myself in high school and I won't lie, it was primarily for attention until I realized how nice the adrenaline felt. I even had my own quasi suicide attempt when I took a handful of my prescription sleep aid but the loss of control I experienced afterwards freaked me out so much I never tried again with serious intent in mind.

    Now I do neither...Instead I constantly spend my mother's money on videogames, the only hobby I ever really enjoyed, that I never play. I can't play. I boot them up and shut them down within five minutes because I literally derive absolutely no enjoyment from them anymore. I have two different groups of friends, one from high school and people I've met at college. Neither of them are much help. My friends from high school have never really been in any of these emotional situations or have ever been in a relationship. My college friends are more acquaintances formed out of necessity so that we could all help each other stay afloat in school and I'd never tell them any of this because I can't afford to alienate them; I definitely wouldn't pass. That's not to say I do poorly. I've been on the Biology Dean's List three of my five semesters at UML. But academic merit doesn't make me feel any less trapped in my major than doing poorly would.

    I sincerely apologize to anyone who took the time to read this massive wall of bitching and moaning. I just really needed someone else to see or maybe understand me. Those moments of lucidity are terrifying me because I can't tell whether or not I want the end result to be so concrete. I don't think the sleep deprivation helps either but who knows.
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome, Casual, and good luck pursuing your degree and with your relationship.. everything. :hug: Also, I can relate to the following:

    I understand exactly where you're coming from. I feel the same way often, as do many others here. Take care...Mr. A