i dont even know

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by thepainwithin, Nov 14, 2011.

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  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    today we got evicted because we were growing weed in our apartment.

    i started smoking when i was 17, senior year with friends in the woods, and parked out front of their houses late at night. it seemed so innocent, it was fun. i was always straight edge before that. but once i started it caused me problems; most getting caught with it in a car, along with alcohol (i wasnt drunk driving, i was a minor in possession, but the 40 was open). and then again, i get caught coming home from a party i didn't even want to go to. I mouthed off to the cop, sort of. Whatever. What I notice now, is that weed isn't fun. But I love it at the same time. It reminds me of innocence, of the end of my youth, and I generally enjoy the effects of it. Probation keeps sending me to counseling. I won't get into the extent of the counseling, but why is it that when I get caught with pot, all of the sudden "I am sick"? Then they tell me I have to go see a doctor so he can prescribe me with antidepressants and anti anxiety medication... So you're solution to my "Drug" problem... is to make me take more drugs?

    I see all of my friends doing it, getting it out of their system their college years. Being average college kids, who can smoke and drink and hangout. And I'm cast out of the group. I don't get invited to parties anymore because everyone knows I can't drink. And it's spread to my life beyond drinking. I've withdrawn socially, both because I'm forced to and because I'm terrified of people now. So now, no one calls me. I make attempts. I honestly do. At least I did, but nothing came of them. So I gave up.

    All the while I've been smoking this off brand stuff, just because I feel like I need to stick it to the court, to the probation officers, to the state, the judge, the cop... everyone who tells me I'm sick. It drove me to get my medical marijuana card, so yes, the growing was legal (sort of), but it was still against apartment policy.

    We ended up not getting evicted, my room mate talked the landlord out of it. But seriously? I've let it get this far. And it's not even fun anymore. It's smoking to beat the system. Smoking because I get a small window where I know I won't get caught. Smoking fake incense because I can. And it's got me in trouble twice, and now almost evicted...

    I don't know what to do. It was a real wake up call. I love weed. When I'm off probation, I will smoke and it will not define me like probation thinks it does. But probation is what makes weed define me. I get tested every week so I can't forget about it. The judge won't take me off weekly because I might not get caught, even though they aren't catching me anyway. I just want to be off. I just want to be free. And I just want to be able to be a college kid. Not someone defined by their drug testing, and commitments to court ordered stuff.

    As we exited high school, my friends grew up into college kids. They expanded their networks, and moved on to bigger and better things. When I exited high school, I was cast in the reality of being an adult. I took a step back. Getting arrested made me worse and their programs designed to help me didn't do a thing. I've been sitting in this chair for 3 months.

    I don't even know.
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. I think my question would be: is keeping the weed habit really worth it considering all the problems it already brought you? I think that sometimes it is worth making a stand when the cause is worthwhile, but is this the case for you? I find that one of the major issues with illegal drugs is the culture you get exposed to, not that all people doing it are violent offenders, but you have more chances to meet them. Just a few thoughts here. I hope all with get sorted for the best for you. wish you well.
  3. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    "I think that sometimes it is worth making a stand when the cause is worthwhile, but is this the case for you?"

    i feel like the court system is forcing me to make my life about weed and drug testing and out patient programs. I know for a fact, I'm 100% sure that if I didn't get arrested, I wouldn't be smoking weed anymore. Because there are times when I wasn't in trouble that I thought I needed to, and did quit smoking. But now it's about beating the system, sticking it to the man, and telling those fuckers that they aren't in charge of me. They make me bitter and angry, especially the way i was arrested. Twice I lied to. Never again will I trust the police, I learned the hard way they don't care about you, they just want to make their quota so they'll do anything to get you to confess, even if it means they lie to you and promise they won't charge you with anything (twice that happened).

    I am able to live with weed. I don't get stupid, I don't get lazy and it doesn't consume me, I've already proven that to myself. It's like the court keeps pushing and pushing and pushing because they don't actually want to help me, they want me to fuck up so they can violate me, arrest me again, and make more money off of me. If they really cared about our health and safety, why are cigarettes and alcohol legal? That's all I wanna know. A judge who won't listen to a word I have to say, coupled with a probation officer that won't even look me in the eyes... ya that really makes me believe the system cares about me.
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