I don't even want a ****ing title

[Always Alone]

****ing hell

It;s messed up. I **** ing hurt everyone real who tires to help. And I ****ing push away everyone who ****ing cares.

Nothing **** ing matters anymore, I can't even cut right tonight, its so ****ing stupid. I went ****ing deep, and nothing, I don't feel it anymore, it dose ****ing nothing. It's like I've ****ing ran out of blood

And like the ****er I am I asked a friend for **** ing help, cos she said she used to do it, she said she ****ing understood. Well shes ****ing bitch. She lied to me, and she knew what she was doing, she just wanted to get a kick from it.

And just like normal, I push her away,. just cos of that, and then I have to cut, and that means nothing. And now I have 3 sodding courseworks to do, cos my ****ing computer deleted all my ****ing work, and the ****ing cut. I want cut and cut and cut, until that's all there is, just cutting.

And I'm trying to help others? Why the **** would they take my advice, If I **** it up like normal real people get screwed. This is a **** ing mess. Should even be allowed to talk, I'm just gonna ****ing hurt everyone, and I don't even give a **** afterwards. Why the **** can't I care, when the **** did I lose that? Why the **** do I even bother without it. Can't even think. Maybe I should even be allowed to do that.

And all I'm ****ing doing is taking ****ing pills, and bleeding over my ****ing keyboard. I dont give a **** anymore, ****ing do it. Why **** don't you do it!

 

[Terry]

Dark, take a deep breath. Go clean up the mess. drink tea, coffee whatever.


Stop beating yourself up for a bit and try and work out what the f***** is going on in your head. When you've done that post it and we'll go from there.

 

[Always Alone]

Ok, ok. Its just all ****ed up right now.

Last night I went, way too deep, its was fast, and didnt stop. I talked to friend, that what I thought she was. All the time I've know her.

She's seen my scars, I told her I'd stopped, and she told me she'd used to. I didnt know what to do, so I phoned her, she helped me, got me to stitch it up.

Now I find out that she never cut, and she's ****ing talked to my sister, so now she ****ing knows I'm doing something, I don't know how much she knows. I could ****ng kill her for this, I trusted her, and she's been lying to me the whole time.

I did what I always did I pushed her away. Every ****ing time. Every time someone helps I push em away. Maybe she did deserve it, but I know that without her last night I'd have been ****ed. And now I've ****ing lost her, she was the closest thing I ever had to a good friend.

I did what I always do, I cut, and I felt nothing. Nothing. I went deep than last night, and got no blood, I tried new places, I tried going over past cuts, I went deeper that I ever knew and I get nothing. That was all that ever helped. I've take a whole loda pills, they'll ****ing help, I don't know how, maybe they'll help me for good, or maybe they'll just let me get the death I need to feel again.

Everyone one who ever gets involved, always gets hurt by me. I make an effore to push people away before we get to close, because I can't take it. It's my ****ing fault, I've hurt everone Ive ever know.

At the same time I'm trying to help someone else and I'm failing her, I can't do anything for her, and I want to help her so much. If she goes it's my ****ing fault for not helping right. I can't stop her, I've been failing her the while time. I should have left it, let someone else help. All I can do is hurt people. I'm sorry.

 

[Terry]

Right. You're angry because you've been lied to and she's broken confidence by talking to your sister. Every right to be angry here, tho in her defence she may have done it to try to get you help. Still not a nice thing to do without your permission.

Secondly, if you've taken pills..GET TO A&E, pills can seriously fuck up your body.

With regard to helping someone, we can only do so much. She has to make the effort too. It is not your fault if she cannot take anymore.

pm after you've been to A&E let me know you're ok.

 

[Always Alone]

Maybe but I do this to everyone, who the **** can I ask next time? I always try here, but get the wrong time and I may as well have not bothered. I just wish I could let myself know someone just for once. But as soon as someone gets close they get hurt, easier to get that other with early on.

It is my fault that I'm failing her. She's practically the only person I car about right now and I can't do anything for her. Half the stuff I sat probably make her feel worse.

I don't need the A+E I might have a ****ed liver, but I only had 11 left. It'll proably just put me out for a couple of hours. If I'm lucky I'll be able to cut deep just before I go off. I love how it fells when wakeing up bleeding.

 

[Always Alone]

Bulked it out in the end, probably get away with it.

Sorry for this, I was just feeling bad and needed to shout out. I didn't exactly have the best day anyways, and when I found out what she'd done I just flipped out and lost control.

Sorry for the grammar and spelling errors, normally my spelling sucks, but on rereading those two posts It was awful, probably because I couldn't think straight, I didn't even read what I'd typed before I posted.

I did **** up again though, I was trying to ****ing help, but I started late, and I have a ****ing GCSE module resit today. My dad made me get off the computer in the end, and I left things with her in a really bad way. I hope she's ok

 

[Terry]

Glad you're ok. Don't worry about the grammar or spelling my goes to pot when I get upset.

A good shout out, even when it's typed, usually does help. I think just getting it out has a cathartic effect.

With regard to the person you're trying to help, contact them when you can and just explain what happened last night (i.e dad booting u off the comp) and go from there. If you're feeling better today you may be of more help to her, very difficult to help when in a crisis oneself.

 

[Bette]

That just sucks.

I'm so sorry you have all that going on Darkest.

O.K. total newbie here, but about helping someone. Call me a s*ithead if ya want, but I learned this. You can't help someone until you help YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

When they told me that, and by they I mean half the free freaking world I was PO'd. Then I got to learning. People in like AA or NA they got these sayings. I always say they talk in BUMPER STICKERS, but man, they are right alot of the times.

TWO DEAD BATTERIES WON'T START A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was all like "Yeah thanks for that, pal". Then as I grew, and I'm 46 chronologically and 8 otherwise I found that is true. I'm a Pisces. I was always the healer. I took on other people's pain, but lived in chaos myself.

Soooooooooo, man take care of YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course help your friend, but let them kow you're trying to work on you. That will encourage them to do the same. Honestly, tell me to pish off, and how would I know anything? I do. Honestly I do. Once I got me battery operating I helped others.

Just a thought. Hope you keep doing better.

 

[Always Alone]

Yer that's all good advice, but by the time my operating system is up and running I might be too late.

 

[Always Alone]

Fucking hell, I just got outta hospital

The whole 9 days I was there I couldn't stop thinking about the person I tried to help and how I failed them.

I think that's half the reason I wound up there, guilt, I don't know. Whatever when I took the pills I thought she was dead, I wanted ti the other way around. She deserved to live, and I deserved death. At any rate, I was wrong shes still alive, I can still help, or at least try.