I don't feel any better, I don't think the anti depressants are working, i'm on week 5 now, doubled up my dose last week, so by the end of this week, beginning of next, i ought to be noticing something, but other than making me tired, they don't seem to do anything. I'm struggling even now to find the motivation to write this post, i want to just forget it, and roll back over in bed. i'm ranging from wanting to kill myself, to just feeling dead, i'm not sure which is worse. And then my grandmother came over yesterday, I was still half asleep I'd already skipped going to the doctors, blood tests can wait it not like they're going to reveal something new and amazing. She didn't apologise but then I didn't expect her to, I didn't have the energy to fight her over it, life is -well i was gonna say too short, but i'm sure many would disagree with that, maybe i mean, life is too crappy and complicated, without intentionally making it worse. She's lost Sarah's respect now, and clearly that doesn't bother her. So grandmar told me that Chris (my aunt) hadn't replied to my last emails because she didn't know what to say, she told me that I should try and be more cheerful in my emails. Oh well i guess i should be so sorry that my cripling illness makes them feel uncomfortable, I got a card with £50 in it from Chris, and Sarah got the same, which is good, it's helpful at least, my trip to london to try and save my relationship cost me a small fortune, not to mention how much I owe everyone else, it seems that caring can be measured monitarily however, I need about £12,000 to get out of debt, an amount my aunt could easily afford, of course I don't expect it from her, still it shows what my life is worth, £50 to her at least, buys her a clean conscience. Better than what I got from my father, his christmas gift, to share between to two of us was about £25 worth of groceries, useful yes, and i don't mean to sound ungreatful to you people but i mean te man earns more than £40,000 a year, he drives a BMW 3 series. This was really, really cheap. I'm sure you all have far worse stories to tell however, I mean, it could be worse right? I guess I should go away now.