I don't feel like I belong to anything... not even the human race

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Kathy, Dec 28, 2011.

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  1. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    So yeah the title basically covers it all.

    I feel like i'm seperate from everyone else. I feel like i'm different in someway, and that I will always be in my own closed of little... "box", I guess. No one will ever enter or leave it and this place lies beyond any normal human place.

    I feel like i'm worthless. I mean not just i'm a worthless human being but below that, and this is what stops be from qualifying the title of human.

    I spend most nights crying for hours on end and wishing I was dead. I've attempted suicide before and ended up in hospital, but what I was experiencing then seemed nothing like what i'm experiencing now, just i'm more aware of how I can hurt people now, and I have more people relying on me. It seems like every night is a struggle to keep going. I spend my days feeling nothing and my nights feeling worthless.

    The severity of my feelings of worthlessness is practically alienating my boyfriend, which only makes them worse. He tries his best he really does, but he has his own problems and there's only a certain amount he can cope with, but knowing that just sends me feeling more and more worthless.

    People constantly tell me i'm not worthless but it never syncs in. I hate myself more than anything and any small arguement, disagreement or comment can bring on crying that lasts hours.

    I have a kit in my bedside drawer that's effective my suicide kit. I have everything I need to do it and I just don't trust myself not too for much longer. I used to self harm but due to various promises to people I can't do that and i've turned to drinking. I end up drinking to get drunk at least twice a week and have done for the last few months. I can feel my thoughts slowly going back into my eating disorder too. I don't know whether these will help me cope or make things worse :/

    I'm only 16 and I really don't know what to do. I find it impossible to talk to my parents and since seeing how much I upset them when I overdosed I really can't bare to talk to them about it again. The best solution to me seems to die but i'm trying my hardest to fight it, I just feel like that fighting isn't for me anymore.

    What do I do? :/ Please help someone...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are 16 what you do is you go to your doctor and get some help Your parents of course they were upset hun they want you to be happy and strong and don't know how to perhaps help you
    You need to get rid of all the stuff that you have and go to hospital if you are going to harm self and get treatment for your depression all these thoughts and emotions are caused by this depession hun once treated you will feel stronger
    Also talk to someone okay a councillor at your school a teacher you trust talk hun so you can get the support you need to get you better
  3. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply :)

    I've been in counselling twice before. Once for my suicide attempt/depression/self harm and once for eating disorders. Both times it's left me feeling worse, and i've hardly been given the time of day by my counsellor, making my feelings of not deserving anything worse. It makes me terrified to get help in case this happens again, and also in case they tell my parents.

    I know I need treatment but when i've seen both my counsellor and my doctor before, and neither really want to help I just don't know where to get it.
  4. Goofy17

    Goofy17 Member

    You find a doctor that wants to help you there are docs that wan to help fuck those that don't want to help, keep looking until you connect with the right one. It takes me months to trust a therapist or a doctor. You gotta let someone in. Please try. Emotions are temporay. let them be. Goofy17
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too was going to say hun go to school and ask for a different councillor then tell them you need someone that will listen and be compassionate and someone that will help you and not ignore you
    You deserve help hun and support also hun if your doctor is not doing a great job you ask to see a different one okay one that also listens and cares hugs
  6. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    Thanks both of you.

    My doctor is really nice and she does listen, but all she can do is refer to me CAMHS (child and adolecent mental health service). It's there that doesn't help.

    I don't go to school, I go to college. They have a counselling service but i've tried to keep my mental health problems as far out of college as I can. I only started there in September and I was glad of the new start, since my teachers at my old school knew about my problems.

    I'm terrible at talking out loud to people. I've tried writing letters but I always sound so whiny and I don't want doctors to think i'm making it up, or trying to get attention.

    I guess I know the answer really is to get help, but there's just so much i'm terrified of with getting help, especially with two failed attempts at getting help before, and then I just think more that I should just die :/

    It seems like they're waiting for me to attempt again before they'll give me support.
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi Kathy, I have a hard time trying to talk to people out loud too. My brain just doesn't process information to my mouth. I lose my thoughts and what I do say ends up jumbled. I can communicate fine in writing. You may find you need to do the same.

    I too often feel odd about whether I'm being whiny, but I think that is a perception thing on my part. I finally told myself, "okay, it's my turn to be whiny." Therapy takes time. Keep going, the whole process will fall into place in the future.

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
  8. benji_boy

    benji_boy New Member

    Hi Kathy, I had my own crisis last night, brought on out of the blue again by alcohol. I realised the biggest thing for me is to stop drinking alcohol, it's the worst drug of them all. Sorry I can't offer much advice and I guess it seems obvious but alcohol I think can sometimes create issues, sure the pain is always there in your heart but drinking rips those scars wide open again. Take care
  9. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    Thanks both of you.

    My main issue is getting therapy rather thatn sticking with it :p My therapists tend to discharge me after very few sessions.

    I've had a very very bad few days lately. New year I sopent around 6 hours crying none stop, and I was extremely suicidal. Last night however it took on an even worse turn. Last night for the first time I completely felt like I could commit suicide. Like there was no mental barrier stopping me and the only thing that did was my boyfriend. I'm petrified because I know that if I get another night like that I will be gone. :/ I don't even feel upset now.. just sort of resigned to the fact i'll probably die within the next few weeks.
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