I don't feel like I can keep dealing with everything.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Jan 30, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Today confirmed that I can't handle this world. I'm in so much pain, it feels like I literally just got stabbed. Can't stop crying...can't stop the hurtful thoughts and images. I'm just not like other people. I need to die. I don't want to, but I need to.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are in so much pain...what happened to day to have you feel this way? Please continue to post and let us know...big hugs, J
  3. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    How are you? X
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes you like the rest ofus we all have felt that pain okay i hope you feel better soon. hugs
  5. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I can't explain what happened. Nobody would see my side of it anyway :( I have BPD, so I get upset about a lot of things other people wouldn't get upset about...And I just don't think anybody would understand. My fiance told me "You're making a big deal out of nothing. Get over it." And he wouldn't usually say something like that. But it IS a big deal to me. It sure hurts and feels like a big deal so how is anyone going to tell me otherwise?

    It's not something that can ever be fixed or changed, though. My only two choices are to try to deal with it, or die. And I don't know if I can deal with something like this. Knowing this makes me not ever want to watch movies again, not ever want to have sex again, feel ugly and disgusting, and constantly worry about whether or not it's going to happen or if it's already happened. I just want to kill myself. I'm not sure how yet...my previous plan was ruined last year and if I try it again everyone will catch on. But I don't know if I can take this pain. I have to come up with something else, I just have to.
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I'm like you in the sense that yes, I believe you've felt the same pain...but for different reasons. Probably legitimate ones. Mine aren't considered legitimate and I just can't handle what normal people can handle. I'm pathetic.
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    When you say BPD do you mean borderline PD? If that is the case you can come out the other side. It is something that effects us less as we get older and you may not have symptoms at all as you get older. There are treatments for it such as DBT. BPD is basically schemas that are not set properly and you can change these through therapy. If you think of it in a scientific way then you can see how therapy would work. For example Erikson (sociologist or psychologist can't remember which) said everyone goes through life stages and in each stage we take on a schema of personality...if we look at the last stage closest to death it is integrity or despair. Depending on how we view things determins which trait we take on. So, if therapy will help you understand things and view them in a different way then they can be changed.

    Don't give in. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

  8. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Yes, Borderline Personality Disorder. I know about DBT...But I can't view things in a different way. Not this, at least. Even if I can't change it and have no control over it, it's still wrong.

    If everyone became sociopaths and killed each other, would it be okay just because everyone was doing it and couldn't control it? Or would it still be morally wrong? That's how I feel about this. If I go to therapy and try to make it so that I'm okay with this, I'd be a horrible person to accept something wrong as something that's okay to do just because my only other choice is to die.

    I understand that once it got changed (assuming changing such a thing about me is even possible), I wouldn't feel like this anymore...but right now I do and it makes me not want to. I wouldn't be me anymore. I'd be a different person who accepts wrongdoing and is okay with it.
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I don't have the energy to even take a shower today, how freaking pathetic is that?

    ...And depending on how I feel, not sure if I can go to class tomorrow, which also makes me pathetic, seeing as I only go 3 days a week anyway. I suck so badly.
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It doesn't mean you change as a person just the way you approach things in life. About how you make decisions etc. It's worth giving it ago.

    I know what you mean about not having the energy to do anything. I was like that yesterday with getting out of bed and showering. In the end I forced myself over the bath (stupid infected bandaged cuts on leg means I can't have a nice long hot shower) to wash my hair. I felt so much better after.

    Who sets morals...society does. So if we always lived in a society where people went around killing people and it wasn't frowned on then yes, it would be seen as ok. Yet the society we live in now makes us say no, that's wrong.

    BPD is treatable. You should give the therapy a try as it may work for you.

    What is getting you down today? Anything in particular?

  11. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    But the way you approach things in life and your decisions make up your personality. And if that changes, some part of you, as a person, changes also.

    I'm going to force myself to go take a shower right now, but the part I'm most not looking forward to is having to look in the mirror when I go. I can't stand how I look, I just can't. :(

    I know it would be seen as okay if everyone was doing it to the society itself. But I'm asking, if you knew such a society existed and you were still who you are right now, could you ever want to conform with something like that or would you say "No, that's wrong...I can't"?

    BPD is treatable, but so many people say how unlikely it is that people with BPD will get any better. I have a 10% of succeeding in suicide according to statistics and a 75% chance of making an attempt. That's not too encouraging :/ Plus, I don't need just any therapist, I need one that specializes in DBT. And I don't know how or where to look. I can't make phone calls because of my social anxiety. I'm fucked. I have a regular therapist right now (though I haven't seen her in 2 months because no insurance right now...and it doesn't help much).

    I don't want to say what in particular this is that I can't conform with though, I just don't think anyone will agree with me, and I'd feel embarrassed and afraid of getting criticized :/ But it's something that I'm just not sure if I can live with. I knew such a thing existed, but I tried to block it out my entire life with lies. And last night it just all came crashing down and I was forcefed reality. And now I can't lie to myself any longer and have come face to face with the truth. And I can either deal with it or not...but if not...I'm dead.
  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    1st off....try and avoid looking in the mirror. Cover it with a towel. You will feel loads better after having a shower.

    I know what you are saying about the BPD. They are trying to diagnose me with it but I am fighting it saying it's not that. I often feel it's a last ditch attempt at diagnosis when they can't think of anything else.

    Sorry to say, but, it really saddens me the healthcare system in the US. OK we have long waiting lists but eventually the NHS will pull through even if it is 18 months later. But generally they will put help in in the mean time. How much does it cost without insurace to get treatment etc. CBT has been shown to be quite effective also in BPD.

    What would happen if you just rocked up at your local ER. Would they provide you with someone to talk to if you said how you were feeling or would it cost you?

    It may be worth talking to something like samaritans. Ok it's not going to help long term with the BPD but it may help you deal short term and get some short term relief from what you are feeling now. They do email service aswell so you can think about how you are going to phrase what you wan't to say. Your email address is hidden so they will never know who you are.

    Give it a go, you haven't got anything to lose really.
  13. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, I do feel a little bit better after getting a shower. A little less pathetic. At least I was able to get something done. I don't think they're just trying to pin the BPD diagnosis on you. NOS (not otherwise specified) Personality Disorder is what they're supposed to diagnose you with when they can't think of anything else. That's what they do when whatever you have doesn't match any other personality disorder listed in the DSM. My fiance has NOS Personality Disorder, and instead of depression, they diagnosed me with NOS mood disorder. But if you believe that you don't have it, just ask why they're trying to diagnose you with it, what symptoms you match, etc. As doctors, they're required to give you an explanation if you ask for one.

    Our healthcare does suck :( Doctors/healthcare providers are like leeches, trying to suck every little bit of money they can out of you. It was on the news a few days ago that this one family's medical insurance got taken away because the wife accidentally paid 2 cents less than she should have for her husband's medical bill. They had to pay $328.69 and she did it online and accidentally typed $328.67, and they cancelled it...all while the husband had a very important life or death medical procedure that needed to get done. They didn't care. And when the news got a hold of this story and called the company, they said they talked to the family and reinstated their insurance, and the guy from the news was like "Are you going to apologize to the family?" and they were like "For what...? We were following a curriculum." It's freaking ridiculous.

    I heard that CBT doesn't help BPD very much unfortunately. To go to my therapist without insurance costs $70, the psychiatrist $40. And if I tried to go to the ER, I'm sure it would cost a couple hundred or so, or maybe more depending on what they did. As for the Samaritans, how can I talk to them and I thought that was only for the UK? :/
  14. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Use the email support. Not sure if it is only UK but if you email they wont know where you are coming from.

    Can't believe it costs so much for healthcare in the US. I suppose if you worked out what psychiatrists get paid hourly the costs would be pretty similar but luckily we have the NHS with the option of private if needs be. How much is insurance?

    I am quite interested in the US healthcare system.

    Glad you feel better after a shower. I forced myself last night and just the act of blow drying and straightening my hair made me feel loads better. Less scummy and nicer!

  15. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, surely they can tell where I live by my IP address. Yes, healthcare is expensive...and it really depends what kind you have, some are better than others. Government healthcare is generally really good, that's what I had, and I'm trying to get it back by telling them I have mental health issues and really need it. Other forms don't allow some things like vision and dental, and require copay on ER visits and specialists, etc. My fiance went to the ER twice in the past year, and is still paying off the bills...it was like a couple hundred for a freaking urine specimen, and an STD test.

    I love straightening my hair too :) I don't like going out without doing it. It's like perfectly straight looking and even softer that way. I should do that soon, speaking of which...now that it's dry.

    On another note, I started googling pro-suicide forums because I was curious. I couldn't find any, but I did find books which explain painless methods of suicide which I am now sort of thinking of getting. I'm not ready to die quite yet...but I feel like I need that back-up plan...just in case. I feel awful about last night, but all in all, I still have my fiance and my mom, and as long as I have them, I don't feel like I can go no matter how bad I feel. But if I lose my fiance, I know I won't be able to move on. That's not even in question...and I'm just scared I guess.
  16. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You are best to TRY and avoid any contact with the health services. Go for your check up once a year and always keep up the dental health regime by brushing for at least three times a day for two minutes so as to avoid fillings.

    I'm not saying avoid health services with mental health issues though. I am saying that maybe many who go to counselling might have overcome things simply by reading up on others and how they got on with similar problems. This is whole new world in which any problem can be investigated. In the past you'd see a doctor because you never knew what a panic attack was for instance.

    Mental health, like physical health relies on exercise. Whilst the physical is easy to keep an eye on - what is going on in our minds is not so easy to control. I mean, if you put on a few pounds of weight, you see it and can take action to remove it - IF its beneficial to do so!

    The mind is different because we can store up problems there and make do like nothing is wrong. We are good at this - maybe it comes from the bestial instinct not to show pain lest we are eaten. We do not want to show a weakness which might limit our success. Maybe its hard to shale off millions of years of inbuilt defences that are now working against us.

    As for your condition - its sounds like some confidence would do you the world of good. No matter what therapist you saw they would take the approach that your whole life is an area which can be altered in small parts to change the whole. Even a simple thing like brushing your teeth before you go to bed might make you wake up and feel 1% better. That 1% might be the difference. Its best to look at your problems as lots of little ones. We can deal with and cross off little problems.

    Education is great - keep that up because it will give you the chance of looking after mom one day! 3 days a week for yourself is a great achievement. Keep it up - you are doing great things there which inspire others whoo might be in a position to not get the courage to do that. You won't always be feeling this bad and the future, as yet not even made, is bound to throw up some good times for you. The trick is to try and appreciate those times - even now - because worrying about what might happen is waste of time in which you could be making some small change. How much of the present is frittered away on worry? Makes you wonder sometimes - and one day you'll feel like worry is not worth it. Takes time but you can be that way and worry a lot less.

    Right now you say you just got a shower. A moment ago you were not going to do so. Your own mind changed in a small but positive way. As for how you look - you've snagged yourself a man who is proud I assume to call himself your fiancée. You are lucky there, so enjoy that luck a little more. Ask your mom what she thinks of him. Sounds like you are close to your mother and she is a friend for you. Cherish that - don't even think about leaving her without you. Not in that way.

    What situations in life make you uncomfortable? Meeting people? Meeting strangers?

    Bear in mind we all feel a little bit nervous when meeting folk for the first time. Self image kicks in when we have a lot of time to think the worse. Try to busy yourself, maybe some voluntary work might be good as you could start on a few hours per week and have the luxury of choosing a line of work if your not being paid!

    As for pro suicide forums - forget that search and stay away from any websites which do not have a positive pro life message. Any ****head who encourages others to kill themselves - I'd like to 'meet' those people on a dark night somewhere. Throw them off a cliff and see how funny they think it then. A real cliffhanger!

    Watch something trivial perhaps such as candid camera on you-tube - nothing like watching someone run away from a talking letterbox or something. I also like 'scare tactics' - some of them are funny as hell. Also watch the Japanese show 'silent library' So funny, even a depressed UK'er would laugh. And we are a miserable bunch of so and so's here. Comes with living on an island. All that water surrounding us. Makes us feel depressed. Little wonder we top the charts for drug abuse and so on.

    Your personality comes across as fine in written form. This is important as it shows that when you do not feel under pressure or scrutiny then you will be quite an endearing person. You do not seem unstable in any way shape or form. you seem intelligent, caring, going through a bad time is all!

    Nobody ever learnt how to swim by talking about it. You can read about it, chat about it, join swimming forums and watch swimming videos and DVDs of expert swimmers. You can take a course in the theory of swimming and swimming history and perhaps do a degree in swimming and the capital profit of sport.

    Whatever else you do, bear in mind that any unease you have in social relations WILL get better once you get used to social interaction. Like learning to swim it takes practise and you start by dipping a toe into the water. For you, being around more people, especially in the context of some kind of work, is a therapy in itself. Voluntary work is good for this. You help others and help yourself.

    As it stands, still being at school, or college or whatever, the only real interaction you have is in a difficult environment. Some do not take to school - it can be a bad place for some kids but I was lucky there myself. Either way, leaving school makes the world a lot better for many kids and young people.

    You come across as a caring person and like all caring persons you need to find some sort of niche in which you can mature. As well as a career, a nice man who loves you, a nice mom and so on - you need and we all need to find something that is 'sacred' to us. People thinking of suicide are obviously struggling with this. Sometimes we need others to point it out to us and to nurture and support us in our quest to know ourselves and to feel comfortable and at ease.

    I'd happily bet my last penny that you'll be a better person for having been through this horrible phase.

    My very best wishes to you.

    Hope some of my rambling nonsensical advice helps you and anyone else going through a bad time. Stay with us - things will get better even if the world gets 'worse' in these changing times.
  17. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Peacelovingguy -

    I have been reading up on my disorders for years and cannot simply overcome things the same way that others have. Even people who have the same thing are not the same people, so it doesn't really matter how one person gets over something. I cannot simply "avoid" the health services. I have problems that go beyond mental health, too.

    Some confidence would help, I agree. But I don't have any and never will, and I can mostly thank the assholes at my elementary/middle/and high school for that. It does matter which therapist I see. The one I currently see does not specialize in BPD or how to treat it. Thus, she's not doing me much good.

    I can't keep up even a measly 3 days a week if I keep feeling like crap. The only reason I started this semester was because I promised my mom I would. She feels the need to rush me because she thinks I'm a failure for not even having my first degree at 21 yet, but she doesn't believe that my disorders hold me back. I do what I can. As for worrying, I know there's no point to...but nothing can be said or done to stop me. The only thing that can stop my worrying is being properly medicated, which I'm often not and that's my own fault. Doubt the doctor will give me anything good for sleep and anxiety after I told him I abused alcohol and DXM to feel better. But if they were a good doctor, they would see that I only did that because I wasn't properly medicated, and I need to be. But most doctors don't give a shit.

    Whether or not I have a fiancee has nothing to do with how I look. He can say he thinks I'm pretty 200 times and I'll still think I'm ugly. It's not about that. It's, again, about self-esteem which I don't have thanks to other people. My mom told me what she thinks of him before I even asked her, don't worry about that. She's very judgmental, both with me and other people. I am not so much "close" to her, as I just appreciate her, even though she doesn't understand me on many levels. I love her just for the fact that she's been there my whole life and she's my mom. I know that leaving her without me would be an awful thing to do, but it's an awful thing on her part to not understand my pain while I am left in this world to suffer with it.

    "What situations in life make you uncomfortable? Meeting people? Meeting strangers?" Yes, all of the above. I know we all feel a little bit nervous, but I feel a lot more nervous and upset than most people. That's what social anxiety is. I get so upset about having to speak to other people, it sometimes makes me cry. And the point that I'm at right now really has nothing to do with having a lot of time to think the worst. I find time...regardless of what I'm doing. Everything and anything triggers me. Voluntary work is social, thus not for me.

    I'm still thinking of ordering that book I saw. I need it as a back-up. I can't handle life without knowing I have a way out if I need it. And this "****head who encourages people to kill themselves", I happen to agree with. Technically, his book is for people who are terminally ill and in a lot of pain physically, and he says it's not for people with depression. But f*ck that, technically I don't have depression anyway. I have an unspecified mood disorder that the doctor didn't call depression, coupled with personality disorders and anxiety. Regardless, I believe that anybody should have the right to take their own life, whatever their disease is.

    My personality comes across fine, not necessarily in written form (other than the SA, because I have no problem typing rather than talking), but because nobody here pisses me off in any way, or upsets me. If you saw my personality on a day to day basis, you'd reconsider. Yes, I am a decent person when not put under pressure, but from what I'm understanding, it's difficult to not put me under pressure because everything seems to upset me.

    Have you ever had SA or known someone with SA? I've had this my entire life, and regardless of how many little steps you take, it really does not get any better. By the time you take a thousand little steps, MAYBE it will get a tiny bit easier, but not even enough for you to notice or gain motivation to do more. To someone with the disease, it feels like it never goes away no matter what they do because of how long it takes for it to get better. Being around people, as I've mentioned before, makes me either hide out in my bedroom, cry, or run away from the situation.

    It's not difficult going to school when people leave me alone. It's only difficult when I have to run around talking to staff about something or other, or the teacher makes us do group work or public speaking. Other than that, I don't talk to people, and people don't talk to me, and that's how I like it.

    I'm a lot more f*cked up than my writing shows, believe me.
  18. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    My fiance's going through a tough time with his mom having cancer and having a few months left to live. But it's still difficult to tell my brain that he's just going through a hard time and doesn't hate me and doesn't mean to make me feel bad.

    I was looking at myself in the mirror last night and it made me depressed so I started fishing for compliments...but trying to make it seem like I was just joking around so it wasn't annoying. It went sort of like this...

    Me: Baby noticed I did my hair when he came home...

    Him: Mhmm.

    Me: Do you like my hair?

    Him: I do.

    Me: Do you like the rest of me?

    Him: Yep.

    Me: Which do you like more? (At this point I was just expecting him to say he likes all of me the same...)

    Him: I like your eyes the most.

    Me: Huh? (thinking to myself that that wasn't even a choice) Why just eyes? Is the rest not as good or something?

    Him: Don't start... (he said this in an annoyed voice, so I stopped and just went to another room)

    And then something similar happened later:

    Me: I feel sort of nauseous.

    Him: Eh.

    Me: "Eh?" What do you mean "eh?" (He was eating Doritos at the time and I had to ask him like 3 times what he meant by that before he answered)

    Him: (already annoyed) I said "Oh" not "Eh."

    Me: Why just "oh"? You don't care?

    Him: (no response)

    Me: Of course, you don't answer again. Typical.

    Him: Don't start with me right now (again, I stopped, feeling insulted and uncared about...though this did happen not too long after his mom was feeling sick and was in a lot of pain. I know he was worried about her, but like I said, it's hard to tell that to my mind when it starts feeling bad).

    After this happened, I found myself thinking about getting the book again. And I was saying to myself "When I'm dead he'll regret saying these things to me." But then he acted like nothing happened and just hugged me and I immediately felt bad for thinking that way.

    Having BPD, I get so confused on what to feel and how to react sometimes. The littlest thing makes me feel uncared about. I guess I have the typical "BP" response to everything. I take it as criticism and try to analyze every word. But at the time, I swear it feels so intense and so real, but then he apologizes or stops being mean and it goes away just like that. I don't know anymore.
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