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i dont feel loved

ive known my (online) best friend for a year now. we have gone through so much together, we vent to eachother, we help eachother through trauma. he came to visit me and my friends december 2021, it was so much fun that we ended up hanging out at his hotel the most, just me and him. after going through toxic boyfriends/girlfriends, we decided to not date anyone till we have healed from our traumas. but after not seeking out any relationships for awhile, i realized how much i depended on affection. at the start of our relationship, i had a huge crush on him (turns out he had a crush on me too), and after speaking to him about wanting to feel loved in a romantic way, we agreed to be affectionate with eachother when we need it. not really dating, but we call eachother boyfriend/girlfriend sometimes.

but recently, it feels like he hasnt been there for me, not even as a friend. every time i go on discord to talk to him, hes on voice call playing games with a mutual friend. i try not to get jealous but he takes so long to reply to my messages, it just seems like we have lost our connection. and every time i start to cry, every time i accept that hes just not interested, he comes back and gives me a slither of attention. and i fall in love again. (btw ive never been openly angry/upset at him) i know this is a stupid thing to get so upset about, but we really used to be so so close. we talked for hours and hours, played games together, slept on call with eachother. but now if i try to vent or be affectionate with him, he seems uninterested and takes longer to reply. he only ever has full conversations to me when im being the funny guy, or when he randomly says that he loves me.

maybe im just being too clingy, but thats why we have this relationship. so that we can depend on eachother, because we know that were good people. am i just over thinking this? i mean, we dont have the same interests anymore (its probably because of my depression, all of my hobbies seem uninteresting most of the time). maybe we just have different love languages. he used to give gifts to express his love, but he hasnt been doing that. he probably just doesnt have much money. but whenever he notices that my discord nitro has ran out, he dms me saying that he will gift me more nitro soon, this time he didnt make such a big deal about it.

i know that im overreacting, im just used to this stuff. but im tired of only talking to my family, i want a friend, all of them left me, but he didnt. ive been so depressed lately and i need someone to have fun with. well, thanks for reading this. im not very good at communicating so i hope this all made sense.
Sorry that you're going through this. It's understandable that you'd want more affection and connection with him.
im not very good at communicating so i hope this all made sense.
You did fine, please don't worry.

It can be tough to maintain a relationship when you're depressed. If you can find some effective treatment for depression, that might help a lot. There are also some resources that can help with couples counseling. I don't know if you want suggestions about what to do, but I could try to offer some if you'd like. It's also ok if you don't want that.

Sending hugs


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Welcome and glad you are joining with us. You are doing very well expressing yourself here and I hope that you keep posting because people are caring and supportive here and it is a fine place to get to know others.
I don’t think it’s a stupid thing at all to feel upset because you’ve been feeling more distant from someone you care about, especially someone you’ve been close with and shared a lot with! That’s hard, especially when you’re dealing with trauma and depression. I’m curious if you might be able to tell him what you’ve been feeling, if you believe he’d be open to that? For example, could you tell him that you care about him a lot and have been missing the closeness between you two, and ask if you and he could talk more often again?
Sending support and care and gentle wishes your way in this. You very much deserve closeness and love

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