I dont get it any more

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by niuavins, Sep 10, 2011.

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  1. niuavins

    niuavins Account Closed

    I hate just about every in my life, it's just like since I was born nothing went right.. 2ed generation adopted kid. Grew up with 2 partents in there 60s, they were sick most of my life. Got kicked out school in the 6th grade, 6 to 8th grade was bulled to death. Only thing that got me Thur that hell was one day it mite just get better, one day I could just be my self, one day were I could just be happy were I dident have to hide so many things! Then there came high school were I was the loner dident really try making any friends, wasn't like the other guys, also just moved dident now any one or how to even make friends.. so I just droped out 9th grade went in hiding from the world for a few years...

    I dident really learn how to read or write till I was 13ish still have a really hard time spelling stuff, and being able to word stuff correctly. I just don't get it why dident any one ever pick up on that, I basically self taught my self at the age of 13 to read and write and because of that I still have a hard time.

    I found out at 20 that I had a Bio brother and a Bio sister so I moved out to were they lived only to find out my Bio Mom was really fucked up and selfish. Needless to say that dident work out. And I lost all contact with my brother and sister.. That really gets to me I really wish I could be a part of there life.

    Well theres part of my story..

    I don't understand how I've made it this far without ending my life. Is it the hope that one I could be my self, or is it the fact that I just don't have the guts to end my life. I don't beleave in God or any thing like that.
    I just don't get it as I look back at my life I've only had 3 or 4 people that I would call a friend but I hide alot from them.

    I wish i wasent born at all
    I wish my Bio mom gave a shit about me
    I wish I had a real parent that gave a dam about me
    I wish I was born in the right gender
    I wish I wasent gay....
    I wish I had some to talk to a friend, just someone to be there
    I wish I could talk to my brother or sister....
    I wish I could turn back time..
    I wish I could just fix me...
    I wish that I could look in the minor without wanting to cry
    I wish I dident hate myself
    I wish that I could have one good day, just one day that I don't have to deal with shit...
    I wish I could just get up one day and be normal...
    I wish that things were different
    I wish that I could be someone else
    I wish I could wear the stuff I like....
    I wish I dident have to hide so dam many things
    I wish I knew never knew what transgender was if I had only had one wish this would be it, or to be born as a felmale

    Don't really know why I am posting this, I just don't get anything any more other then I just want it all to end it all , pain to stop and this hell that I've called a life for 21 years to stop. I feel as though I'm a baby crawing up the stairs and every time I get somewere I get pushed back to the bottom of the stairs. Don't know if any one will get that.....

    :lost:
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome, niuavins. :hugtackles:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Is there anywhere in your community that has councilling to help you deal with your sexual orientation with who you are It seems you need help hun can your doctor look into getting you therapy through community I do feel for you hun so much has gone on in your life and you should not have to fight this battle alone. I do hope you can talk to someone anyone that can get you support you need h ugs
     
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Well - I'm a heterosexual male of 46 - its still complicated! I'd be easier off being gay - well - I think of all the fantastic presents another man would give me! The movies we'd like! Plus - no worry about conversations - and we don't get periods either! Well - once a month I feel all peculiar - but that's when I go to the bank and look at my credit - and feel ill!

    Anyhow - I know you can get some prejudice for being gay - but if that's the way you are mate - its your nature and no man or woman can ignore it or should ignore it.

    No matter what we are or who we are in life some idiots will be opposed to us.

    But gay, straight, lesbian, bi-sexual or whatever - you got two forces at play. One is your sexual needs - another the need to love someone. Being young its not easy - it seems easy - but sex with no emotional connection is just a trade off. It demeans things - but obviously you might feel more demeaned not getting laid so - its a trade off. Of course if things were ideal - you'd fall in love with someone - but sometimes getting a date before you get laid is a race against time!

    Well if you can play a little hard to get I guess. But your working other things out - sex is important but love is vital. However - they don't pay the bills - unless - well - lets not go down that route!

    What I'm saying is that you got to lay a foundation in life now for good things to happen later. Things like love - we can have that - but we need to make sure we are ready to make things work also - to have the practical things in life sorted out. A job, career - some niche we can find.

    Well I'm sorry you had no luck with your family. I got mates adopted and know its tough - others who lived in care also.

    And sure - I know how it is when you trace family - and many adopted kids are disappointed - and it hurts to think that even your parents could not love you.

    Some parents are no good. It has to be said. This 'honour thy mother and father' - sure - if they honoured you. If not - if they betrayed you - took the bottle or drugs instead of you - or abused you - then they have no honour! It is not the child's fault.

    As for your bro and sister - why not just try to trace them and write a heartfelt letter. Have you opened up to them ever? If so then its worth doing it - strike out - because its better to know how they react. Otherwise you will be assuming the worse.

    They are either nice or not nice. I'm assuming - one is nice. So get in touch - you have nothing to lose really - and if it goes wrong you got us here.

    Joining here is good - your not alone and the issues you have are shared here - well being gay is mostly others people's issues - I mean, if nobody really cared one way or the other - it would not be a worry.

    But I stand out also - plus I got a secret FAR worse than being gay or adopted or wanting to be someone else.

    I'd find it EASY to come out if I was gay. Nobody would give a **** - plus I'm big enough to make people think twice.

    My secret is that I wish I was dead sometimes. Many times!

    Every other issue I have pales into insignificance compared to that - and other problems are enabled by the original bad boy of issues!

    So - like many here - depression, that's the main thing really - suicide thoughts - just like part of the territory - you usually get a double deal - depression - plus the good old suicidal thoughts to keep it company and make you feel really annoyed to say the least.

    So all your other issues - really - if you felt OK - you'd not be so held back by them or oppressed by them.

    We accept you here - your not the 'odd one out' anymore - so relax a little - befriend me if you want and I can send a few visitor messages your way - give some advice - see what talents you have - and so on.

    Well - welcome anyway - hope some of what I said makes sense - and sexuality aside - we are all human and deserve the CHANCE of happiness. We do not deserve happiness handed on a plate - and it takes work to make life balanced in that regard. But - for were we are - sometimes one entire day being happy would be a springboard for us!

    Good luck and hope you can see your problems as a series of obstacles not the insurmountable barrier 1000 feet high.

    Regards.
     
  5. niuavins

    niuavins Account Closed

    @alex Hey o_O

    @ total eclipse Going to see a therapist tuesday ^_^ tried going to a support group but I can't get the courage/willpower to go by myself, like I'm scared of what mite happen/ rejection and so many other things I guess u could call it anxiety?


    @ peacelovingguy don't really now what to say other then thanks, your post made me think about stuff in a good way thanks
     
  6. Hey niuavins,

    I’m sorry you feel so down. Just wanted to say I can relate a bit to what you’re saying. I’m also adopted and though I know my biological mother we’re often estranged due to her addiction problems. I dropped out of school in the tenth grade due to anxiety and am bisexual. I hope you find support here.
     
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