I don't get it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lennie, Oct 17, 2007.

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  1. Lennie

    Lennie Well-Known Member

    Ok, hi to everyone, I'm quite new to all of this so please show a bit of patience.

    Very rarely do I ever want to talk to anyone about how I am feeling, infact I have never told anyone anything, apart from a few snippets that have burst out and I could not control.

    I've read a lot of thread's, which I felt I should before posting anything meaningful.

    I don't quite understand my situation. Everyone here seems to have alot of reasoning as to why they are suicidal and depressed. I dont believe I do. I haven't had a particularly hard life, infact, I would say all in all its been a good life. Sure I've had the odd bad thing happen to me, but there's no real reason for why I feel depressed and suicidal. I have what I think are the best parents and family in the world, I'm not popular by any means, but I'm certainly not a loner, and I am at a university which I enjoy very much.

    So the question is, why do I feel happy when I think about wanting to end my life? Why does it fill me with joy to just want to fall asleep and not wake up again?

    I can't answer those questions. I really can't. I dont want to die everyday, I have good and bad day's. What I do know is that I will do it one day, and the thought of death is something that intrigues me. I have no fear of it, and i'm looking forward to embracing it.

    There's one reason why I can't do it now, and that is my family. It would hurt them so much. I can't deal with having to place that burden on their shoulders. They don't deserve it. My mum has already lost one child, aswell as trying to take her own life, and I know that it would tip her the edge and she would follow suit. How am I supposed to comprehend something like that? It's a real dilemma. I desperately want to end my life, but I cannot in my current situation.

    I don't actually know why I'm writing this, I've never felt the need to say anything before, so why I want to know is beyond me. As far as everyone is concerned, I am a 'normal' guy. If only they knew. But I act normal, I feel paralysed at the thought of having to talk to someone about how I feel. I would like to know if I have depression, and why I have these suicidal feelings, but the feal overwhelmes me the prospect of having to talk to someone. I desperately want to tell my mum, as she has been diagnosed with bi-polar depression, but I just cant do it.

    I've kinda lost my way in this post now, I feel that I could type forever and just let some feelings out, but heh. Sometimes it's just nice to let something out.

    I guess my question is, why, if I have lead a relatively normal life, with no *real* problems (real compared to alot of what I've read on here) do I feel compelled to die?

    Alex
     
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Alex, depression doesn't have to have a trigger, it can strike from out of the blue, the darkness can descend for no apparent reason.
    It's good that you have your parents and family around you.
    You do need to speak to someone, perhaps your Gp or a counsellor at uni? Of course posting here and speaking to people in chat will be helpful too.

    Look forward to seeing you around the forum

    Hazel
     
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