i dont get what everyone is doing. when people speak it all seems to be a joke, pointless. i dont understand humanity it seems parasitic, i dont want to be any part of it. i dont think i have any zest for anything. alcohol numbs everything and makes the days tolerable, but my body can only tolerate so much before i start feeling stupid (day after day of destroying brain cells) so i stop drinking and snap back to reality, bringing me to my current state. i know what i want, i dont feel as though it is attainable anymore, i dont think it even exists i just wanna crawl under a rock and hide. like i'm considering going in the woods and digging a hole and just hiding in it. i feel foolish and ungrateful for everything i have and to still not be satisified. but when it comes down to it, everything everyone does seem silly and utterly pointless. a part of me consistently feels like im on a bad mushroom trip theres a place that feels safe, a place i feel like i can never get to, i know what it is, but i feel so far away from it. i just want to go there, but its so far away and i dont have a map i feel like a naked man in the middle of a crowd of people with pitchforks. i dont know where to go, or what to do. ...maybe i should go to africa or something?