I dont get the thrill of living anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DanielO89, Dec 2, 2014.

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  1. DanielO89

    DanielO89 New Member

    Hello my name is Daniel im 22 yo, the reason why im writting this down is beacause i have done everthing in my power to change the way things are going in my life, but all my eforts have been for nothing, I feel im drowning in the same shithole for the last 5 years. I try to kill myself once almost a year ago, more precisely on new years eve, but that didnt went to well, obviuosly. At the time I took this as a second chance to start over , but now it has been almost a year and nothing has change. Right know im in such a dark place, i sure there is light out there somewhere, but honestly im tired of looking for it, how i said i have been in this place for the last 5 years util i tried to commit suicide for the first time, i swor I will never try to do it again, but here i am, with the same despereation of no wanting to live anymore. I have no one to talk about this things so thats why im here, trying to get this out of my chest, and somehow look for an answer. The relationship with my family is not the best, actually i wish i could have one at all. My fathers phylosophy of live is to be angry all the time , and my mothers is to just dont care about this kind of things, the same as my sisters. I really dont have no one i could talk about this. I always tought i was to my father the son he never wish to have, he told this to me once, he was drunk and in an outrage he declare i was the worst thing it could happen to him, i think is because , what my father wanted is a normal boy who likes football and bbq. But sadly i never like that kind of stuff, i guess thats why he feels dissapointed about me. My mother is a complicated topic, and i dont want to talk about her. My thought i have friends i could relay on but life recently proof me wrong, so yeah im a lonely person, i always have been, i have no friends, no expectations of a futre life, theres is nothing im good at, my weekends are just getting drunk all by myself at my place until i fall sleep. I hate myself for this, im such a looser, i dont blame anybody i would hang with someone with my cualities either, im cero attractive, actually i considere my self to be ugly, im insecure, im not funny, now i can see why everyone just dont like me. Well this is just sad, im pathetic. But well those are the main reasons that drove me to the edge of suicide the first time a year ago, and i have to say nothing has change. Today i was setting the christmas decorations all by myself, i start crying when i realized i have nothing to hold on anymore, anything to fight for, or anything is worth living. I wouldt kill my self before christmas, for some reason i really like christmas it makes me happy, although i will probably spend the night alone, is just fine to me, but i do have to admit sometimes i would like to have for once a nrmal gather together family dinners but i guess im askin to much. After that day i have no idea whats gong to happen. But for now i have the expectation of a good holyday so as long i have that is all good for me. Thank u very much for reading, I hope u have a great christmas with all the people you love and cherish.
     
  2. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hi Daniel sounds like your in lots of pain. I hear you. Many others here will also hear you. I can understand your feelings of loneliness and distance from your family. Although I know that wont make things any easier for you right now. Focus on 1 day - today and let tomorrow for now take care of itself. It is good you are at least thinking about not doing anything until after the holidays. Those thoughts and feelings you have .. well let them wait a while. I will be spending Xmas alone. No one just myself in my flat. A friend here said to me when I shared this with him and my dread of the coming holidays "then simply dont celebrate it for this year. Let it pass" and he was right. It only holds power over me if I allow it. Maybe just maybe the same can be said for your situation with how you feel ? with the problems with your parents and your family ? Just saying. An observation nothing more.

    But I am glad you posted here. Write some more. It can be good to reach out. Your sense of lack of self esteem the way you call yourself ugly that is not how others view you most probably. Your important and unique. I would write more but its late and I am tired. But will check back tomorrow. for now take it easy.

    Deadly.
     
  3. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Hi Daniel,

    I read your story with growing sadness. Life doesn't have to be like this. Your family dynamics (the way your family works) does not seem to be helping you, and what your father said was very unkind, but maybe he said something incorrect whilst he was drunk.

    I hope you can read some other stories here, and get some help with your own situation.

    Just one thing....... If you're getting drunk at home at the weekend...... on a Monday & Tuesday you are likely to feel more depressed than other days of the week.
     
  4. mismad

    mismad Active Member

    Hello, after I read your story, i think i have few same situation that makes me feel stressed. im feeling hopeless about future.
    about one and half years ago i feel suicidal, and have tried to it, but end up unsuccessful. And after that i promised not to do it anymore and tried to left that suicidal thought. Now that bad thoughts came back again and i hate why this can happened to me.
    I'm glad that u still have mood to set the x'mas decoration by yourself even though u dont feel well.
     
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