I don't give a shit about anything at all ... i think

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Programvare, Dec 30, 2009.

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  1. Programvare

    Programvare Active Member

    I don't give a shit about anything anymore

    Hello people. I'm totally new here, this is my first thread. I've been reading a lot here, and feel that someone here might understand me.
    I've been depressed since i was 13, and suffered a lot. Cried my eyes out and didn't fit in anywhere. I think i've gotten past that, been to a psychologist and such, a lot. Gotten a lot of support and help from my friends and family. Still, my unhappiness obviously isn't quite over yet. Now I'm soon 18 and for the last year I've just felt sort of empty and overwhelmingly suicidal. I've been hurting myself/cutting a few times, and it sort of helps at very hopeless moments. I was so embarrassed at school, so I try to hide my scars. I KNOW that i shouldn't be, because it just keeps making it worse, but still. I don't know why I want to end everything this badly. I'm doing ok at school, my family loves me, I'm good at playing piano, I have friens and people that care about me. I have a girlfriend, ten months together now, and it's been pretty good. She knows about my problems, but she can't quite understand. I think nobody can. It seems like I really have nothing to complain about, but still I go around every single moment, every single day, thinking, planning to kill myself. Life just feels so unnecessary and hopeless. Lately I've been having problems feeling anything at all. I don't feel sad, no joy, no thrill, no depression. The only thing I feel is that I want to die, and I go around hoping that I'm hit by a car or something. I don't know why I don't commit suicide. I barely give a shit about anything anymore, maybe this is just my outside thought and feelings, because I truly believe that I care about my family and friends. I tried to visit my doctor to get to speak with a psychiatrist or something, but they seem to mess it up and I haven't gotten any help yet. When I was at her, I told her pretty much everything, and I had to take som sort of test and I scored low on depression and such, but very high on suicidality. So am I really suicidal and not depressed or feeling down? Please, help me. I really want to understand and control this before I just give up and leave this world.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You have come to a good place to find out a lot of things. Some of these things others can answer and some of the things you'll find in their posts. You may want to keep a diary, public or private, it's your choice.

    I'm glad you have good things happening in your life. Try to think of them each day. Especially in the morning to help steer your outlook for the day into a direction that is helpful for you.

  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and am gonna reply in Private message as I was so personally touched by your story and well I worry that what i say sounds silly too.
    I am glad you posted for certain as I came to SF the night i was really suicidal and I am still very much alive but still deal with all the crap you do as well.
    Well I hope you keep writing as we are all here for you..
    Please feel free to contact me on IM or PM,
    Lots of love and support, Bambi :arms:
  4. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel I don't feel anything anymore either.
    I'm lifeless and just going through the motions.
  5. nos nomed

    nos nomed Well-Known Member

    I wish I could help. I too have had this general feeling of wanting to not exist since I was 8 I'm 27 now and really haven't figured out why and haven't found anything to really change the feeling other than immersing myself into video game worlds and daydreaming I was something else. It's not really so much depression as it is discontent with the world around you like you were born in a time that doesn't fit who you are.
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