so before i attempted suicide a while ago (i forgot if it was one or two years ago...) i was kinda obsessed with cutting and harming myself. i cut pretty every day. if i didn't cut in the evening, i woulf feel worse the next day. cutting helped me fall asleep and calm down. i didn't just cut though. for a while i would do anything to hurt myself. < edit moderator total eclipse methods of sh deleted too triggering> i never liked the thought of always going deeper though. i didn't want to damage myself. i didn't want to rely on a doctor for surviving. i don't want to bleed to death. but i want to bleed and i want to mark myself with scars. so, i remember when i was small, i was always proud of my cuts and scars and liked showing them off. and i had the habit of chewing my nails for as long as i can remember. since i started cutting, i have never seen it as something bad. it was always just a natural part of me. i don't cut much now but i have never had the thought of really stopping. i don't want to stop harming myself. my parents, friends and therapist know that i used to cut. my parents took away most things i used to cut with. that didn't stop me though <edit moderator total eclipse methods > i'm not sure what i'm trying to say. probably that you can't really stop someone from harming themselves if they really want to. you'd have to put them in a coma or something. on the other hand i do not understand why i like hurting myself. i have no real reason to self harm except for my depression but somehow it's holy for me and i never wanted to stop.