I don't have a reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LonerForever, Mar 29, 2012.

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  1. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    Right now I feel like I want to end it... Yet I don't have a reason.

    University is going pretty well, I'm moving out soon, I've got friends. By all accounts I should be happy and honestly I don't even feel depressed... But I still feel like I want to end it :/ I still feel like whether I'm here or not means little to anyone and what I feel inside means nothing. I know I won't do it. I've still got knives in my room and they'll take away some of the desire. Just thought writing it down might make me see some sense in something which doesn't make sense... Wanting to end my life... Without being unhappy... Thats a contradiction if I ever saw one :huh:
  2. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    You still hate being a loner? Has anything changed to end your loneliness? I am well aware of how painful it is to be a loner. There is nothing on this planet that could ever make me appreciate loneliness. NOTHING!
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like you need to talk to a therapist.. They can help you put perspective on it.. At least ease your mind..
  4. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    Depression is actually a chemical imbalance and can be caused by all kinds of things. It could be your diet or lack of exercise… or it could be a seasonal thing or lack of sleep or stress. It's not always about things like friends or security or success-- those things are part of being happy but there are other things too… it could even be a chemical they put in your shampoo mixing with some other chemical in some food you ate.

    I wouldn't spend money on a therapist but sometimes your school can provide one for you and you won't have to pay… try to see if you can find the problem with the things I mentioned first and then if you're still sick then go to a therapist…
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I see depression a little differently, depending upon its etiology...when there is not an external context to what you are feeling, that is a good time to consult your physician to assure that there is nothing medical contributing to your mood...such conditions such as thyroid disorders and diabetes can produce these changes and can be easily identified...from that point, with an honest discussion with a trusted physician, you can see what will be your next step...wishing you were feeling better and I hope you get the services you deserve
  6. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    Do I really need to see a doctor though? If I'm feeling happy but still want to hurt myself is there truly anything wrong with me? I'm a far cry from where I was just a few months ago, breaking down in public all the time and effectively being put on suicide watch by my friends. I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be yet. There's still times I feel incredibly empty, like there's a whole part of me missing and I really don't know what to do to find that. I'm not sure a doctor could help with that. Sure I could be prescribed all manner of medication but I've been on meds before and honestly they only took me further away from who I needed to be. I felt nothing and I really felt that being depressed was preferable to feeling nothing at all. Right now I'm scared to think anything. I'm kinda blocking out anything just in case it takes me back to where I was. I can't put my friends through that again. Maybe being an empty shell is who I'm supposed to be. I can keep protecting everyone else by not being someone dangerous.
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Steven - I really believe that you will look back on these feelings, in years to come - remember them and think "Yeah, that's how it used to be.... BUT"......... and that discovering the BUT is just around the corner..... it's called INSIGHT.

    And anyone's future will not be the same as their past, or today's present, once they have different insights to what they had in the past (probably not much, or you wouldn't be writing the questions, but that's OK - we're all not born with insight, we have to discover it) and also different insights to what you have today. The next question to ask (if this makes sense so far) is....... where is this insight going to come from - what do I need to do to get it?

    My suggestion is to start with the feeling of being incerdibly empty, like there is a whole part of you missing (I know that feeling all too well) and - believe it or not, that is a very good place to start medicating with self-discovery and insight.

    If you're interested in this sort of approach, there's a whole new journey about to open up for you!

    Apologies if this seems too simple a solution, or is too positive or too optimistic. Or too "bouncing like Tigger"......... they are not empty words, I promise
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Sometimes I feel suicidal even when I'm not severely depressed....I guess that's because I feel that my life is absolutely pointless. That's why I don't really want to stick around. I'm not sure if a doctor will help or not, but it's worth a try. You said you are feeling empty, so maybe find something that can fill that emptiness. There's so much you can do in life that will make you happy.
  9. TigersMomJ

    TigersMomJ Active Member

    I think it must be a chemical thing. I get the weirdest feelings, just like you're describing. I have a gorgeous home, family, job, cars and I'm surrounded by people who adore me. And yet every once in awhile, I start getting stuck in my head. Daydreaming of dying. I'm not unhappy. I certainly don't fit the typical "depressed" stereotype. But it's like a sirens song. I think sometimes I feel like I was born to die. Then I start laughing because it feels so weird and stupid but after awhile, if I don't let it out, it grows and grows. Pretty soon I find myself really freaked out because I don't really WANT to die, I'm just scared that I'll kill myself without my full permission. Seriously. Complete weirdness. Writing helps me a lot. I sit down and write and it just flows out. Then I feel better. Have you tried a creative outlet? Drawing, writing, etc.? I dunno. Reading this over makes me think that maybe I belong in a looney bin!! XD
  10. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all the replies. I'm really not sure what I could do to distract me. I already do everything I enjoy. I make films, produce special effects, program websites, go to the cinema, play games, everything a 20 year old university student should do. By all accounts I shouldn't feel empty yet I do regardless. I feel like I'm meant for something much greater than what I currently have but at the same times feel like whatever that thing is I'll never achieve because I'll never be good enough as a person to get that. I really don't want to see a doctor again. Ive been passed from pillar to post too much by friends and counsellors alike and I had enough. The last and only time I was on meds I felt like someone else completely. Someone even emptier than I am now. I couldn't be happy, I couldn't be normal, I couldn't be depressed, I couldn't be anything. I was just living day to day completely unfeeling and I detested that. It even affected my uni grades for semester 1 which I really regret. I realise my unwillingness kinda significantly reduces the support I can receive from anyone here or anywhere else. How can you help someone who doesn't want to go to a doctor about it? I need to find who I'm supposed to being my own... I just have no idea if I'll ever survive that long :/
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I think going to the doctor is a good idea, just to make sure there's nothing physical impacting how you're feeling right now. Maybe go for a physical, get blood drawn and checked, stuff like that to rule out any obvious issues like the ones Sadeyes mentioned, that could contribute to how you're feeling.
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