This is the only forum I've ever joined for suicide problems and support. I posted some time ago. It was in relation to my aunt being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She died. It happened. Life will go on. I have a new job. A great job. A job I'm good at. A job that challenges me and gives me self-fulfillment. A job where I am respected and treated like an equal. I wake up in the morning and I look forward to my job, which is something I have never felt. It grounds me. But I'm still miserable. I'm unhappy. I suffer from extreme existential depression. I am tortured by my own thoughts and my intense hunger to gain the knowledge that a human is not mean to understand. I can't get away from my continuous feelings of suicide. When I have a bad day, I go back to it. I imagine it. I imagine it's a process, a simple second of psychological torment that may seem to last eons, but I come back to the rest, to the sleep that never ends and I imagine it's worth it. I imagine a lot of things. I imagine solidity, and I idealize many things that I cannot put into words. I try, but I fail. Failure and I are acquaintances in more than one way, it feels. We have been in contact for a lifetime and it doesn't look like we'll have a falling out any time soon. I fear nothing. I am plagued by my own thoughts. I sometimes struggle with the feeling that who I am is uncontainable, that I am many people inside of this one body. My personality is fleeting, it seems. Here today and gone tomorrow, they say. I feel like a shifting glacier that drifts atop a warm body of water, constantly alternating itself to stay afloat. I am miserable. I feel like no one hears me. I feel like my words might as well be written on paper and lost in the wind. I feel mute and unemotional. I feel unscathed by my own suicidal fantasies. I am torn between selfishness and being forced to endure a life that is filled with mediocrity and petty rationalization. I crave the reasoning behind the trivial execution of life and living but I can't find it. People don't give it to me. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I expect resolve. I desire support but I need answers more than anything. My mind is a racetrack and all the cars have crashed. I'm empty. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I want to shut-down and leave this world behind, whether mentally or physically. I want to transcend. I am desperate. I have no clarity and no peace. I want to know what it feels like to look at a sunset and say "Wow, that's beautiful.". I don't see it. I don't see the beauty. I don't feel it. I don't understand. I feel like a stranger, a shell of a human. I have endlessly searched for motivation and advice but left feeling more empty than before. I had a near-death experience this past year. I almost died by drowning. It didn't change me. It moved me, but I am still just as miserable. . I don't even know if I feel anything anymore besides anger and resentment. What is wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me, or am I just destined to live like this? Is this my resolve? Is this my reason? Is this what I was put on the earth for? Is there anyone out there that hears me for what I'm saying and not just for the words I've written?