I don't have a title for this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bohkel, Apr 29, 2013.

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  1. Bohkel

    Bohkel New Member

    This is the only forum I've ever joined for suicide problems and support.
    I posted some time ago. It was in relation to my aunt being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She died. It happened. Life will go on.
    I have a new job. A great job. A job I'm good at. A job that challenges me and gives me self-fulfillment. A job where I am respected and treated like an equal. I wake up in the morning and I look forward to my job, which is something I have never felt. It grounds me.
    But I'm still miserable. I'm unhappy. I suffer from extreme existential depression. I am tortured by my own thoughts and my intense hunger to gain the knowledge that a human is not mean to understand.
    I can't get away from my continuous feelings of suicide. When I have a bad day, I go back to it. I imagine it. I imagine it's a process, a simple second of psychological torment that may seem to last eons, but I come back to the rest, to the sleep that never ends and I imagine it's worth it. I imagine a lot of things. I imagine solidity, and I idealize many things that I cannot put into words. I try, but I fail. Failure and I are acquaintances in more than one way, it feels. We have been in contact for a lifetime and it doesn't look like we'll have a falling out any time soon.
    I fear nothing.
    I am plagued by my own thoughts. I sometimes struggle with the feeling that who I am is uncontainable, that I am many people inside of this one body. My personality is fleeting, it seems. Here today and gone tomorrow, they say. I feel like a shifting glacier that drifts atop a warm body of water, constantly alternating itself to stay afloat.
    I am miserable. I feel like no one hears me. I feel like my words might as well be written on paper and lost in the wind. I feel mute and unemotional. I feel unscathed by my own suicidal fantasies. I am torn between selfishness and being forced to endure a life that is filled with mediocrity and petty rationalization. I crave the reasoning behind the trivial execution of life and living but I can't find it. People don't give it to me. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I expect resolve. I desire support but I need answers more than anything. My mind is a racetrack and all the cars have crashed. I'm empty. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I want to shut-down and leave this world behind, whether mentally or physically. I want to transcend. I am desperate. I have no clarity and no peace. I want to know what it feels like to look at a sunset and say "Wow, that's beautiful.". I don't see it. I don't see the beauty. I don't feel it. I don't understand. I feel like a stranger, a shell of a human. I have endlessly searched for motivation and advice but left feeling more empty than before. I had a near-death experience this past year. I almost died by drowning. It didn't change me. It moved me, but I am still just as miserable. . I don't even know if I feel anything anymore besides anger and resentment. What is wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me, or am I just destined to live like this? Is this my resolve? Is this my reason? Is this what I was put on the earth for? Is there anyone out there that hears me for what I'm saying and not just for the words I've written?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    wow you say so much your mind never stops and yet you do not reach out for help you need to contain all these msg thoughts you are having

    Have you ever been diagnosed by a professional if not perhaps by doing so you can find some respite find some answers I hope you do hun reach out for help that is there.
  3. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Hi Bohkel, looks like you are quite prolific in your thoughts. I'm sorry for your loss. You're right, it does happen and life does go on but that doesn't make the loss any less painful.

    I'm glad you have work you enjoy and look forward to ~ I dream of that kind of work.

    I would like to believe I hear what you desire (beyond the words you've written.) I may be delusional in that belief too. It sounds like you want to know the point of life and maybe understand what universal truths exist (or if they exist?)

    I am not familiar with existential depression. It's been ages but I have read Sartre's "Being and Nothingness" - existential depression never caught my eye there; is that your terminology or a diagnosis? I am curious if you discuss these things with a pdoc/therapist or if you battle through the thoughts totally on your own. I'm exhausted by my thoughts a good portion of the time. I cannot imagine how I would deal with the volume and I'm guessing constant running of my mind through all these thoughts you've shared.

    So, you tell me - am I close to any kind of understanding or am I kidding myself? Either way I'm glad you shared your thinking and I hope you will continue to share/challenge our/my thinking. :)
  4. Bohkel

    Bohkel New Member

    Thanks for all the kind words.
    I didn't quite know how my post would be received. I can be difficult to understand.
    In all honesty, I have had two near death experiences. I stood on the very brink of death twice. I tried to commit suicide once and regardless of one's beliefs, I escaped the body. I felt lifted and compelled into a state of life and death, the all knowledge and nothingness of not being. The very in between. It felt like forever, and yet, only seconds. The profound details escape me with age. It happened nine years ago.
    I came back because I was a bad person and I had to make amends for my copious errs. I knew it wasn't the right "time". My girlfriend thinks I'm a walking epiphany. She called me out on what happened, and even pointed out my conscious effort to "come back". But I have been chasing that faded memory for years, desperately searching for a comparative feeling that will give me the same sensation of inexplicable knowledge and freedom. My existential outlook has worsened because of it, because I am chasing a state of being that humans are not meant to feel. I realize that.
    Me and my girlfriend were caught in a rip tide off shore on a camping trip last year. There was no one on the beach. She was being pulled out to sea and I started drowning. We didn't know anything about rip tides. We screamed for help and no one came. We couldn't save each other but we tried. My last words to her were "I'm dying, I'm sorry. I love you." She didn't hear me. The waves that were four or five feet high came over me one last time and I thought, "I don't want to struggle anymore. I'm gonna let go now.". In this very moment I saw a man in the water swimming towards us. He was a retired lifeguard who just happened to be there with his kids. We survived and I was relieved to be alive, but not afraid. I felt like a cat in a bathtub. I was in shock. It was all very strange. The night before we went down to the shore and watched the waves. I felt like swimming that night but I had the most ominous feeling of impending doom flow over me, as if to say "Something isn't right here.". I get these glimpses of existential reasoning/enlightenment that slip through my fingers as quickly as they form. It's like a drug. I know I'm searching for something I can't have.
    I don't have a therapist. Or anything like that. I have had resources in the past but haven't spoken to anyone recently. I'm apprehensive of simplicity. I'm scared to suppress my feeling of a higher state of being. I drive myself insane because my thoughts torture me. You are close to understanding, if that is what you mean. I do want answers and I can't suffice with not having them. I don't know how to. It causes me a lot of sadness and ongoing unhappiness. I want to see the beauty in the sunset without picking it apart, and without forcing it. I want to see the point in life and living but I don't know how. I keep reading advice columns and self help motivation but I can't feel it, it does nothing for me. I don't understand how to bridge the gap between here and there. I need to shut my brain off but I don't want to silence my inquisitive nature with medication.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2013
  5. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Hi Bohkel, I think I see a little better now. The meds that are meant to help you go too far and blunt your sense of life...give a sort of flat line effect?

    What if you did the meds to allow yourself a little calm, some peace so you may rest a bit, and discuss with your doc how you can achieve less frenetic thought yet maintain your wonderful curiosity and ability to recognize beauty and be able to be creative? I have no idea if it is possible to regulate the effects that way but it would seem logical something could be done to help that.

    The curiosities and wonders will still be here as will all the big questions and debates of life. :) what needs attention first is you, feeling rested and curious not tortured and exhausted. Any chance any of this makes sense? Does it sound good to you or did I just leap from the logic cliff? :)
  6. Bohkel

    Bohkel New Member

    Guys, I don't know any of you.
    Thank you so much for your words of advice and support. I know it's not easy.
    I have suffered from severe and chronic depression and suicidal thoughts my entire life. I have been riddled with so many problems that I could not count them if I tried.
    I will say a little something before I go and perhaps this will be the end of the thread. Perhaps my words will fall flat, if I haven't already written myself up as a lunatic in the eyes of others. Perhaps one person will hear me and make all of this worth saying.
    When I tried to commit suicide I had a near death experience. I died. My soul left my body and I saw things for what they are. I had a type of vision I cannot explain. I had knowledge and an understanding that no amount of words or motions could ever properly describe. For so long I have been angry and resentful of it because I buried it away, denied it, and pretended it did not exist. I called it a dream, "limbo" even. No. I felt the connectedness of being and existing in full, without the use of emotion that is conducted as what seems a horribly comparative substitute for true peace and true serenity. I came back. I was given a choice. I had the opportunity to come back, or move on. I saw nothing and everything at the same time. I felt without feeling and knew without having to learn. I wish nothing more than to extend this experience with others, but it doesn't work in the real world because people have walls built up and the brain can't accurately process it. All I can say is, I have had an epiphany. I have been in denial for my near death experience for nine years and I finally understand. I have been searching for the answers when I've had them all along. I have come to terms with it and I have to let you know, the two of you who responded and perhaps the others who lurk to only survey the situation - there is more out there. This is my gift to you, the knowledge. It's incredible. There is a peace and serenity that you cannot begin to even begin understand. It's beyond comprehension. Even now, it somewhat escapes me.
    There is so much more. In the end, you will all get it. It won't even be a matter of understanding because it will just be.
    I know my purpose now. I am a writer and I know what I have to do. I understand. Maybe one day you'll remember me and what I said here, and you'll see what I have to do. I would like to hope you recognize me, but if you don't, or can't, that's absolutely and entirely okay. There is so much more. After my epiphany of a standing denial for nine years I feared the possible loss of my newly-found euphoric feeling. I felt the most sincere pang of human fearfulness, in a way that I had never felt before. Not fear for death or loss, but for myself. I thought, "What happens if I lose this? Should I seek out others who can make sure to keep this feeling alive? Is that possible? What if I stare at this tree long enough, and I take in its being for long enough, will that help?"
    Maybe. Maybe not. I will regain it in the end, so why I am fearing? Why fear at all? What is there to fear? All of my fears are justified only by my human doubt and uncertainty here and now. If I lose it, I will regain it in the end again, so I have absolutely nothing to fear.
    Neither do any of you. Suicide is not the answer. Please remember this. I realize this now. Not because of selfishness, impulse, carelessness or self-centered solution but because you might not get the opportunity to come back. You might not get the choice. As hard as things get, as hard as they may be, it is meaningless in the end. It is petty and trivial. You will be free and entirely one when it's your time, whenever that may be. You will be awe-inspired by it. You will get there in time, but you have a purpose now. I never imagined I would say these words. I am at peace. I am a small part of a tiny demographic. I want to tell everything there is to tell, but I have only so many words to say. I have so much to say but so little time to say it. Thank you for helping me, listening, and trying. I am who I am meant to be now.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2013
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