I'm not going to make it to 30. Sometime within the next 17 months I'm outta here. There.....I said it. I'm not sure why i'm even writing this here. I guess on some level I feel there should be some kind of record of my state of mind, even if it's anonymously to strangers. I simply don't wish to go on anymore, nor have I since I became 'me' and stopepd being a kid. I've allways felt completly empty and alone. Allways. My earliest memories are filled with such thoughts. It's like I was never meant to be here in the first place and my world is filled with cardboard cutouts of people because i'm not supposed to experience the real thing. The thing is, THEY are real, I'M not. Im a fake. A copy. A shadow of the person that should be here instead. People tell me I'm extremly intelligent, funny, caring, talented and 'the best friend i've ever had',....but none of it matters...none of it is 'real'. Only the total and complete feeling of isolation, pain, suffering is real. An empty future. I've tried to fight these feelings...when I was a teenager I kept telling myself that 'It will get better' and 'I'll learn how to deal with all of this'..but it hasn't happened, it wont happen. This is the reality of who I am. This is what i'm supposed to do. Everyday is a meaningless struggle. What doesn't kill you DOESN'T make you stronger...it eats away till there's nothing left. Why should I go on? Why? There is no point. A handfull of people will be a bit sad for a few weeks but that's it. No family to hurt, only a handfull of friends that its not unusual to go months without contact with. No fundamental change in anyones life. I've got no one to hurt and therefore no reason to stay any longer. This is a big part of why the sooner I go, the better....What if one day someone falls in love with me and I with them....then what? If it goes wrong, we split up, maybe kids are involved and I lose my whole family then i'm definitlay checking out... I'll just end up hurting people too deeply. Why risk it? I can't base my continued existance on the false promise of a happy future. That's a fantasy. One that simply wont happen. You can say 'but you never know!' as much as you like but it doesn't make it true. Can't expect to keep doing the same thing with different results. Life is a road of broken glass leading to death and i'm crawling through it on my knees. People around me don't realise this is what they are doing....distracted by there job, their family or friends, having someone beside them to help them through it. It's like i'm the only one who can see how pointless, brutal and sad the whole thing is. The world is such a dark place. I'm never going to attempt suicide. I'm going to do it. I've spent so long, planning meticulously the exact way in which i'm leaving. Nothing can go wrong. Step off the edge and 5.9 seconds later i'm gone. No fence, no hesitation. No more pain. And no, medication doesn't work.