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I don't have much time left...but it's ok.

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I'm not going to make it to 30. Sometime within the next 17 months I'm outta here. There.....I said it.

I'm not sure why i'm even writing this here. I guess on some level I feel there should be some kind of record of my state of mind, even if it's anonymously to strangers. I simply don't wish to go on anymore, nor have I since I became 'me' and stopepd being a kid. I've allways felt completly empty and alone. Allways. My earliest memories are filled with such thoughts. It's like I was never meant to be here in the first place and my world is filled with cardboard cutouts of people because i'm not supposed to experience the real thing. The thing is, THEY are real, I'M not. Im a fake. A copy. A shadow of the person that should be here instead.

People tell me I'm extremly intelligent, funny, caring, talented and 'the best friend i've ever had',....but none of it matters...none of it is 'real'. Only the total and complete feeling of isolation, pain, suffering is real. An empty future.

I've tried to fight these feelings...when I was a teenager I kept telling myself that 'It will get better' and 'I'll learn how to deal with all of this'..but it hasn't happened, it wont happen. This is the reality of who I am. This is what i'm supposed to do. Everyday is a meaningless struggle. What doesn't kill you DOESN'T make you stronger...it eats away till there's nothing left.

Why should I go on? Why? There is no point. A handfull of people will be a bit sad for a few weeks but that's it. No family to hurt, only a handfull of friends that its not unusual to go months without contact with. No fundamental change in anyones life. I've got no one to hurt and therefore no reason to stay any longer. This is a big part of why the sooner I go, the better....What if one day someone falls in love with me and I with them....then what? If it goes wrong, we split up, maybe kids are involved and I lose my whole family then i'm definitlay checking out... I'll just end up hurting people too deeply. Why risk it?

I can't base my continued existance on the false promise of a happy future. That's a fantasy. One that simply wont happen. You can say 'but you never know!' as much as you like but it doesn't make it true. Can't expect to keep doing the same thing with different results.

Life is a road of broken glass leading to death and i'm crawling through it on my knees. People around me don't realise this is what they are doing....distracted by there job, their family or friends, having someone beside them to help them through it. It's like i'm the only one who can see how pointless, brutal and sad the whole thing is. The world is such a dark place.

I'm never going to attempt suicide. I'm going to do it. I've spent so long, planning meticulously the exact way in which i'm leaving. Nothing can go wrong. Step off the edge and 5.9 seconds later i'm gone. No fence, no hesitation.

No more pain.

And no, medication doesn't work.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Your depression is so deep no wonder you are in such a dark place
You cannot see the future and you are young and have as much chance at happiness as someone next to you
MEds do work the right ones do work they level the chemicals in your brain to where they should be. There are new meds being made everyday with less side effects that are more effective with hard to treat depression
You are reaching out here a part of you wants help so continue to reach out go to hospital your doctor and keep fighting find that right medication therapy because it is there hugs
hi there, i not going to say things like you will get better blah blah blah, i am going to say that by reading your post i for 1 dont feel so alone, i can relate to everything you said, everything, i dont feel my meds work, i self harm, i cant cope with life, want to die every day, have deep graphic images of it and everything. i dont feel i am ever going to get better, but after reading your post i dont feel alone so in actual fact you have helped me not hurt me. i can not believe that you hurt people as you have helped me. i feel like a fake as i paste a smile on my face with people and act happy and seem to be a laugh when the truth is im being torn up inside. you seem like a good person whi i would like to get to know a bit better, i have noone else to talk to and would appriciate a chat with you as you and i are not so different. if not then i hope you feel there is now someone in the world who understands you. message me if you want to anytime x
like geordie said, you aren't alone. i sometimes feel like every emotion i display is fake.

"What doesn't kill you DOESN'T make you stronger...it eats away till there's nothing left."
Depression is an uphill battle... if you kill yourself in the end, then it won. The struggle was never over, you never triumphed over it. You have to continue to live and get past the depression- fight for survival, don't let it kill you and get stronger.
Whether its finding the right combination of meds, or right type of therapy, or even a better doctor... don't give up after such a long battle.
Everyone feels fake now and then, polite society is built around feeling one way and having to act another. Which can be unfair when you're not in the mood to plaster a smile on your face when your unhappy.

Its also not unusual to think that everyone else is real except you.
A lot of negative thoughts can pop into your head, but just because your thinking that doesn't mean you believe it. It doesn't make you who you are.

Your actions are far more important.

You seem like a clever sensitive mindful person. If you need help than see a doctor or a counselor, maybe you need medication, maybe you just need to talk to someone regularly for a while.

Something I do is try not to think about the future in one go. It can seem like a long time, but taken a day at a time it can fly by.

Just concentrate on making it tonight, then this week, then this month.
I also found that as I got older most things that were troubling me were much less important.

Stick with it and you'll find that its worth it.
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