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i dont have the balls to do it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Outcast187, Apr 23, 2011.

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  1. Outcast187

    Outcast187 Member

    ...well, I can consider myself lucky for that. I often think about commiting suicide but I don't want to hurt my family by doing that. Funerals are expensive, we don't have much money. It would just ruin everything for them. I tried suicide when I was a kid, I was around 9 or 10 years old. Well, I don't consider it even an attempt but when I read around the Internet about all these attempts, mine fits in the category. I had a tough life. I'm 17 years old. I grew up in an after-war country, that started becoming a normal country recently. I never had money, or things other kids had. Also, I have this sickness/disorder. I'm crosseyed, and half blind on my left eye. I was always an outcast around other kids, the weirdo. I live in an area where people don't have much understanding to other people. I always felt like this but I guess I never knew what these feelings were. At this moment I'm not suicidal, just a bit depressed. But that changes every now and then. I'm afraid that I may be bi-polar. I switch couple of moods per day. I mean, one moment I'm happy, maybe a bit too much, overly self-confident, outgoing, talkative (maybe a bit too much, cause people find me boring). Then, next moment something happens, or I remember something and I just shut down. I isolate from other people, I get this thoughts how I should kill myself, I even picture it in my head, how I would do it, how would other feel after that. Would they miss me?

    My life is shit. I have one good friend, but all we do is drink together. Other "friends" call me only when they need something from me, they avoid me and they are calling me names and insulting, like "shit", "nig**r" (I'm white, but I get a lot of tan, even during spring, so I look like I'm half-black). My family is a mess. My father has PTSD, he worked as a police officer. I remember, he used to drink a bottle of wine before work, he caused troubles everywhere he went. When I was little, he pulled out a gun on me, my mother, grandmother and grandfather. We didn't press charges against him because my mother loved him. Now he is constantly on pills, everytime he drives me somewhere it's like riding to death. I have to be constantly aware about other traffic, warn him, once I even had to grip the steering wheel so we don't go off-road. I feel like, everywhere I get that I don't fit in. Like I'm ghost. People don't notice me. Often there's a situation where everyone is talking, laughing and there's me, standing next to them like a moron, laughing even though I want to cry cause of the way I feel. Not knowing what to say, just sitting there, being quiet and listening. People don't even ask me anything. Some of them don't even want to greet me. They greet everyone, they shake their hand or something and they just skip me, like I'm not there. Also, I feel like everyone is just looking for a reason to undermine me, I feel like everyone thinks of me that I'm a moron, a retard... I even have to avoid certain parts of town just so I won't meet people that insult me constantly. And this lazy eye is just killing me. I can't look people at their eyes, my self-confidence is very low due to that, I never had a girlfriend, I never even kissed one. Only way to raise my self-confidence is getting drunk. And lately, it's getting serious. I came to school drunk, I went to a school trip drunk. I mean, I just go out to the bar and I get myself a beer or two or something. That makes me happy. All the things that I enjoyed doing and boring to me now. Every now and then I do something, like go and play basketball or something just not to die from boredroom.

    Whenever I get some money, my parents come and say that they need it for something, that I have to give it to them. Like, who the fuck gives them right to take my money, money that I made, working. Also, a month or so I used to go to school on pills, those pills that calm you down, like Xanax (just a example). I stole it from my dad. A teacher asked me some questions and I was talking like a retard. I got an F. Well, grades aren't the problem. It's the only thing I'm good at. I know that some people in my class are thinking I'm suicidal, but I don't mind. I would love to get that relief from pain but to feel something you have to be alive, am I right? I just want to get my shit together, cause last couple of months are Hell to me. All I want is some respect, a friend or two that I'll be able to talk to, not just drink. And a normal family and life, like other people have. Don't you think it's sad when you spend your birthday all alone, like a dog. I know you may think these are unrelevant problems, typical teenager's problems. Well, life sucked for me for 17 years, it was piling up in me. Now, I just feel it's too much for me to handle it. Thanks for reading this. Sorry for typos.

    "Sometimes I feel so alone,
    I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
    So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me,
    soon as I go home and close the door. " - Eminem (Deja Vu)
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey, sorry to hear that you are going through this

    are you getting treatment for bipolar?

    is there any option for you to live outside of your country?

    can your mom listen or give you any support?

    I think that talking here might help you. I hope that you can keep posting
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi I hope you keep posting reaching out for help You are not alone okay we are here now i hope you know that hugs to you
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    There is help for your eye condition. Have you ever been diagnosed as there can be a few reasons for the condition. Its called Strabamus, and simply means the eyes are not aligned for various reasons. It can be corrected.

    One thing is certain, YOU ARE NOT DUMB, and come across as quite intelligent for a 17-yr-old. You may possibly be suffering from depression and this has affected your self confidence. In the crowd you are in, when people are all laughing, I know others will feel awkward also - its not just you. However, with depression you'd feel self concious and maybe not be yourself as much as you would like to be. Everyone wants to 'fit in' somewhere, but in the meantime often go through the motions.

    Education is the key for you - its the key for anyone aged 17 and wondering what to do with their life. At least with academic studies, you do something, have a routine and meet other people. Often as not, people in education have the capacity to not abuse others. Getting called the n-word, or insulted over you eye alignment, is disgusting.

    You should avoid such people - and out of the school playground these losers have no real arena any-more in which you are forced to actually be with them.

    Mark my words, in ten years you'll not even think about these people, and life has a way of sifting the wheat from the chaff. Idiots who abuse others, for a laugh, are minimum wage fodder. You on the other hand, could easily get into further education, from there you will mix with decent people who will accept you for who you are. Then you ought to aim for a qualification in some suitable niche that would offer you the chance to have interesting days.

    I've known 4 people who have the same condition you have. All married - two girls and two of them were men. They did get some cruel bullying when aged between 12 to 15 or so. That is the age when children test out the boundaries of bad taste and sometimes ethics and morality. Don't take it too personal - its over now and the few idiots around you who act like this are soon to be gone idiots. The girls were very sexy - that kind of slight flaw would not put me off asking a woman out. I'm sure man girls would see you as intelligent and quite a catch. Of course, to be the real catch you need an education and a decent job so you can afford to go on a date! With the cost of living the way it is we'll be going back to the days when a date was a walk in a park.

    As for parents, maybe its best to accept them for who they are. They should not take your money though so maybe you should set up an account, maybe get a top up credit card. Maybe they don't want you drinking though - and you do not want to turn up to school drunk.

    You are an intelligent person, life WILL change for you and I really hope you land yourself a woman this year which might be a good thing for you. Hell, it WILL be a good thing for you - but first you got to see if what you are feeling is just some 'normal' phase, or if its actually depression or bi-polar.

    If your thinking about funerals, my guess is that its likely depression. Self medicating on other people's medicine is a bad idea but not knowing which country you reside in I'm unsure as to whether you would have to pay for anti depressants or counselling or if there is any counselling.

    Good luck and hope things change soon.

    PS, You have the balls to live despite coping with depression and enduring cruelty and some illness. You have balls my friend.
  5. Outcast187

    Outcast187 Member

    Thanks for the answer, you really made my day. I don't believe I'm bipolar or something, as you said it may be a normal phase or something. Just, it's so weird. I've been having these ups and downs for months now, and in the last two months it got worse. I hope I'll manage to change it to better.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I wish you a better tomorrow.:hug:
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