...well, I can consider myself lucky for that. I often think about commiting suicide but I don't want to hurt my family by doing that. Funerals are expensive, we don't have much money. It would just ruin everything for them. I tried suicide when I was a kid, I was around 9 or 10 years old. Well, I don't consider it even an attempt but when I read around the Internet about all these attempts, mine fits in the category. I had a tough life. I'm 17 years old. I grew up in an after-war country, that started becoming a normal country recently. I never had money, or things other kids had. Also, I have this sickness/disorder. I'm crosseyed, and half blind on my left eye. I was always an outcast around other kids, the weirdo. I live in an area where people don't have much understanding to other people. I always felt like this but I guess I never knew what these feelings were. At this moment I'm not suicidal, just a bit depressed. But that changes every now and then. I'm afraid that I may be bi-polar. I switch couple of moods per day. I mean, one moment I'm happy, maybe a bit too much, overly self-confident, outgoing, talkative (maybe a bit too much, cause people find me boring). Then, next moment something happens, or I remember something and I just shut down. I isolate from other people, I get this thoughts how I should kill myself, I even picture it in my head, how I would do it, how would other feel after that. Would they miss me?
My life is shit. I have one good friend, but all we do is drink together. Other "friends" call me only when they need something from me, they avoid me and they are calling me names and insulting, like "shit", "nig**r" (I'm white, but I get a lot of tan, even during spring, so I look like I'm half-black). My family is a mess. My father has PTSD, he worked as a police officer. I remember, he used to drink a bottle of wine before work, he caused troubles everywhere he went. When I was little, he pulled out a gun on me, my mother, grandmother and grandfather. We didn't press charges against him because my mother loved him. Now he is constantly on pills, everytime he drives me somewhere it's like riding to death. I have to be constantly aware about other traffic, warn him, once I even had to grip the steering wheel so we don't go off-road. I feel like, everywhere I get that I don't fit in. Like I'm ghost. People don't notice me. Often there's a situation where everyone is talking, laughing and there's me, standing next to them like a moron, laughing even though I want to cry cause of the way I feel. Not knowing what to say, just sitting there, being quiet and listening. People don't even ask me anything. Some of them don't even want to greet me. They greet everyone, they shake their hand or something and they just skip me, like I'm not there. Also, I feel like everyone is just looking for a reason to undermine me, I feel like everyone thinks of me that I'm a moron, a retard... I even have to avoid certain parts of town just so I won't meet people that insult me constantly. And this lazy eye is just killing me. I can't look people at their eyes, my self-confidence is very low due to that, I never had a girlfriend, I never even kissed one. Only way to raise my self-confidence is getting drunk. And lately, it's getting serious. I came to school drunk, I went to a school trip drunk. I mean, I just go out to the bar and I get myself a beer or two or something. That makes me happy. All the things that I enjoyed doing and boring to me now. Every now and then I do something, like go and play basketball or something just not to die from boredroom.
Whenever I get some money, my parents come and say that they need it for something, that I have to give it to them. Like, who the fuck gives them right to take my money, money that I made, working. Also, a month or so I used to go to school on pills, those pills that calm you down, like Xanax (just a example). I stole it from my dad. A teacher asked me some questions and I was talking like a retard. I got an F. Well, grades aren't the problem. It's the only thing I'm good at. I know that some people in my class are thinking I'm suicidal, but I don't mind. I would love to get that relief from pain but to feel something you have to be alive, am I right? I just want to get my shit together, cause last couple of months are Hell to me. All I want is some respect, a friend or two that I'll be able to talk to, not just drink. And a normal family and life, like other people have. Don't you think it's sad when you spend your birthday all alone, like a dog. I know you may think these are unrelevant problems, typical teenager's problems. Well, life sucked for me for 17 years, it was piling up in me. Now, I just feel it's too much for me to handle it. Thanks for reading this. Sorry for typos.
"Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door. " - Eminem (Deja Vu)
My life is shit. I have one good friend, but all we do is drink together. Other "friends" call me only when they need something from me, they avoid me and they are calling me names and insulting, like "shit", "nig**r" (I'm white, but I get a lot of tan, even during spring, so I look like I'm half-black). My family is a mess. My father has PTSD, he worked as a police officer. I remember, he used to drink a bottle of wine before work, he caused troubles everywhere he went. When I was little, he pulled out a gun on me, my mother, grandmother and grandfather. We didn't press charges against him because my mother loved him. Now he is constantly on pills, everytime he drives me somewhere it's like riding to death. I have to be constantly aware about other traffic, warn him, once I even had to grip the steering wheel so we don't go off-road. I feel like, everywhere I get that I don't fit in. Like I'm ghost. People don't notice me. Often there's a situation where everyone is talking, laughing and there's me, standing next to them like a moron, laughing even though I want to cry cause of the way I feel. Not knowing what to say, just sitting there, being quiet and listening. People don't even ask me anything. Some of them don't even want to greet me. They greet everyone, they shake their hand or something and they just skip me, like I'm not there. Also, I feel like everyone is just looking for a reason to undermine me, I feel like everyone thinks of me that I'm a moron, a retard... I even have to avoid certain parts of town just so I won't meet people that insult me constantly. And this lazy eye is just killing me. I can't look people at their eyes, my self-confidence is very low due to that, I never had a girlfriend, I never even kissed one. Only way to raise my self-confidence is getting drunk. And lately, it's getting serious. I came to school drunk, I went to a school trip drunk. I mean, I just go out to the bar and I get myself a beer or two or something. That makes me happy. All the things that I enjoyed doing and boring to me now. Every now and then I do something, like go and play basketball or something just not to die from boredroom.
Whenever I get some money, my parents come and say that they need it for something, that I have to give it to them. Like, who the fuck gives them right to take my money, money that I made, working. Also, a month or so I used to go to school on pills, those pills that calm you down, like Xanax (just a example). I stole it from my dad. A teacher asked me some questions and I was talking like a retard. I got an F. Well, grades aren't the problem. It's the only thing I'm good at. I know that some people in my class are thinking I'm suicidal, but I don't mind. I would love to get that relief from pain but to feel something you have to be alive, am I right? I just want to get my shit together, cause last couple of months are Hell to me. All I want is some respect, a friend or two that I'll be able to talk to, not just drink. And a normal family and life, like other people have. Don't you think it's sad when you spend your birthday all alone, like a dog. I know you may think these are unrelevant problems, typical teenager's problems. Well, life sucked for me for 17 years, it was piling up in me. Now, I just feel it's too much for me to handle it. Thanks for reading this. Sorry for typos.
"Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door. " - Eminem (Deja Vu)