I don't have the strength anymore...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by idontknoww, Sep 16, 2011.

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  1. idontknoww

    idontknoww New Member

    I don't know what I'm living for. I'm hanging on by a thread.
    I've tried to be so strong through all this. No young girl deserves this heavy burden and bullshit upon her.
    I've been emotionally, psychologically and physically abused my the woman who calls herself my mother for 22 years. My so called dad left me when I was young and have no way of getting in touch with him. We are a low income family and she takes her anger out on me because she doesn't know how to deal with it. We never talk and the only time we talk is when she abuses me with words.
    Now that I'm back home for the summer after being away at UCLA, I remembered why I hated being home so much. It's deja vu all over again

    I never told anyone or any of my friends because I was scared I would be left alone if they ever took her away, especially during my teen years. Where would I go? I had no other family members to live with here. I also didn't want anyone to pity me or be a burden to anyone.

    She forcefully stopped me from going down the performing arts path even when I got so many offers. Now I feel like my prime years are gone and it's harder to get castings and book jobs. I hate going to UCLA. I hate not being able to do what I love. I hate how she took away my opportunities. I can't even watch the movies/gigs I was cast for years ago without feeling depressed. And I'm so scared to even go to auditions now without traumatizing memories triggering.

    I thought I was strong enough to get through this but I slowly feel myself deteriorating...every inch of my being breaking down. I even developed an eating disorder because I hate myself so much. Her neglectful self doesn't even realize I'm ill.

    I have plenty of good friends. Great people who were the only ones that kept me from downing the whole bottle of pills. I'm intelligent. I'm balancing school, a job, and an internship. I know I have so much potential to be successful. The only thing keeping me is this piece of shithole I live in.
    She does nothing but bring me down everyday. When I'm away from home during the school year, I get depressed because I get reminded of how much I hate being at UCLA and not being able to do what I love. What if that opportunity never comes again? I'm going to live a life working for a job I have no passion for, dealing with bullsht that I don't need from that woman.

    I'm crying so much as I'm typing this.
    I'm always thinking about suicide but I never had the courage to finish it off. I felt like I always had a tiny glimmer of hope within me..but now that light is fading and almost gone.
    I know some of you are going to post and tell me to stay strong and hang on but hang on to what? What am I living for? I think I'm ready to leave this cruel world.

    Thanks for listening to this long rant.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Your mother is your problem. Get away from her as much as you can. I know you may be unable to move out but spend as much time away as you can.

    Keep going to auditions, if you can. Its what you love and if you have something you love you should try to follow it or your life will become empty and its horrible.
  3. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    I would suggest trying to meet a counselor at UCLA or a therapist to work on establishing healthy boundaries with your mother. That would be a great first step in taking control over your own life. Life always brings new, albeit different, opportunities when we keep an open mind. But its hard to see and take them when we are depressed. hope this help.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun time to live your life okay if you can see if there are activities at your school that would involve what you love doing Is there drama club you can attend something to do with the arts at all outside your classes. In the community you are staying at is there a drama or acting class you can take
    You do what you need to do hun to fulfill your dreams okay when you are an adult your mom will have no control over which path you take. You set the boundaries now okay hugs
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