i don't know anymore.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by jlbArt, Nov 7, 2015.

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  1. jlbArt

    jlbArt Well-Known Member

    I just want to know why no one like me. I verily don’t understand what I have done wrong. I am I don’t know what I am. I keep trying to be positive. But every goddamn stupid bloody little thing sets me off into a depression. I want to be someone else, I can’t blame anyone for hating me. I fucking hate me. I thought I was gonna have friends. I thought It was going to be different, better, I was so hoping for a change.But I’ve managed to fuck it up again. Everyday is the Monday morning after a Saturday detention and realized they weren't my friends. Everyone will be better off without me around. Most of the people won’t even miss me. It will be better now. The delimitation is over, for everyone.I would say “I hope it is” But that word is poison and hurtful.

    The physical pain relieves the mental. Sometimes it’s the only way to feel better. It’s just so short lived.I don’t know why I bother anymore. I don’t believe I want to continue trying Being depressed and just truly alone feels so bad that hurting myself is such a relief from all the pain I am feeling. Being ignored now is even more painful than being alone. There is peace in solitude, that being overlooked doesn’t have.

    At least now I can be at peace. Even if I end up a tree I won’t be alone and I’ll belong to a group with billions of others. That’s not punishment that is Heaven! This isn’t a cliche, being that I am not an artist or comedian. Its simply a happy ending.

    I am sorry to all those I’ve hurt, or bothered, or burdened. I am sure that is everyone I have ever known. It would have been better off if I have never been born. I really am sorry, and I am sorry it took me so long to go away. I am weak. I am worthless. I am so sorry. I can’t go through this anymore. I just can’t. Hell, I was kind of hoping this would make me feel better in itself.

    I am so tired right now, tired in every possible definition of the word.
  2. Skylar

    Skylar Well-Known Member

    Hello jlbArt.
    I am having the same problems as you. I know it is very hard to fight back but help is always there if you seek for it. Do not feel worthless. I spoke with my counsellor the other day, she said all of us are so valuable. Everyone is so valuable. Do not underestimate yourself because of other people. Sometimes we find the wrong people and it doesn't last for long so we blame ourselves for it. Do not do that. Look, at some point everyone will be away and you know who will always be there? It is you. Take good care of yourself. It is a cruel world I know. But hang in there. Life is precious, we are precious. Talk to others, talk to professionals. Solitude might seem safe at first but really it leaves you alone with your dark thoughts. So get out there and share your feelings with anyone you can trust, who will listen. We are here for you. Try and write down what good things you still have... I can't guarantee you that the future is perfect. But have hope that things will get better. Because if you believe, it will. You are still young. Think about all the good times you can have in the future. And try to keep your mind busy in the meantime. I am here if you want me to. Take care jlbArt and love yourself because you are the most important thing in your life and you can make all the change for the better and worse. It is all up to you.
  3. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Just want to write that I understand. Unfortunately - I am in the same place. When you are down, ironically, all help seems to disappear and things only seem to get worse. I am sorry for how you're feeling.
  4. Skylar

    Skylar Well-Known Member

    Actually, I haven't felt clear in my mind for a long time. Do not feel sorry for me too. Because I am recovering and I feel actually good. I am getting help from others but I also make efforts too. If you don't fight back and face your fears it will only get worse. Take baby steps. Do something you haven't done in a while. Go to the store and talk to cashier, a little chat with someone, anyone can boost your mood.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi art people hate me too and I don't know why, I know it's not easy but you can get through this. If you ever need a friend I'm always around. I'm sorry you are hurting.
  6. jlbArt

    jlbArt Well-Known Member

    3 people like this.
  7. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    Do you mind if I just go through and point out some things that you said?
    You're asking a question that cannot be answered when you ask, "I want to know why everybody doesn't like me." Because not everybody dislikes you. That is impossible. That means that in your mind, you have a consensus with the world that everyone amicably agrees that they don't like you. And I'm just going to poke a hole in that and say, that that's not fair. You didn't ask if I didn't like you.
    And just so you know, I don't dislike you even 1%. And that's not just because your on this forum and not another one. But there are some genuinely good people that aren't out to get you, my friend.
    And you talk about how you don't know what you've done wrong. And you seem to be tying it in, based on your paragraphing, to your lack of social fulfillment. Almost like you blame yourself for not having meaningful relationships like you might desire. And then you seem to look for validation that you are worthless by citing the persistent monday blues as your evidence. But here's the thing, you didn't do anything wrong. Now does that mean that all of us have perfect social skills and everyone should just flock to us? Probably not. I'm kind of a social butterfly when I'm out and about, but it doesn't mean that I just naturally excel or that I'm god's favorite or something. We have to develop those skills and it takes TIME. And when we're depressed, impatience seems to become our go to feeling. We want to be instantly gratified or instantly relieved so to speak. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen like that.
    So to answer that, no you're not a social failure. And without seeing you in a social setting, I can't say what you could work on. But in my case, it's always best to be genuine and friendly. Not insincere though, because people pick up on that stuff.

    And everyone here understands the pain associated with isolation. And it is real. Your brain can receive pain signals that aren't connected to nerves, giving you this depressive pain feeling that you are describing. That's not odd or strange, everyone knows that feeling. Which is what leads me to conclude that you just need more social exposure.

    You see death as that gratification and that end to your pain, (which is a real, actual pain as we've discussed.) but what if there were an end to that pain without ending your life? I mean, then you're just missing out. Which sucks.
    You're going to need to change your thinking, and your attitude though. I don't think that you're allowing yourself to see the errors in your perception. Not that that's entirely your fault, part of it is chemical responses in your brain, and part of it I'm sure is probably tied to habits you've developed growing up. But you're at a time and place now in your life, where control has been handed to you over yourself. You are the steward of your own mental faculties.

    And we've all hurt somebody through either commissions of intent, or omissions of neglect. We've all done it. You're no more evil or poor of a person for your mistakes than I am for mine.

    And I understand that fatigue. I'm right there myself. But in telling you all this, I hope that you can see that even though you're tired and exhausted, you can get out of it. You need some time to just rest. Have you been sleeping enough/too much?
    Are you socializing too little or too much?
    Are you needing a medication of some sort to help regulate a chemical imbalance?
    Are you living an active, healthy physical lifestyle?
    You have control over that and should take what action you can first, before you even think about suicide.
    Because there's always something more we can do. :)
    I got your back buddy.
    3 people like this.
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