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I don't know anymore...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Contemplation, Jul 31, 2007.

  1. Contemplation

    Contemplation New Member

    Hi everyone, I'm new here, well, this is my story, I just feel like typing it I guess. I'm sorry, it will be kind of long, but if anyone feels like responding then I'd be happy to read it.

    So, I'm currently 15 years old. Up until about the 6th grade I was pretty normal... Aside from maybe the fact that my mom would be in and out of the psych ward for months on end. She had a bumpy childhood and she's never recovered from it.. she's had a few attempted suicides and she cuts a lot. I try not to let it bother me too much though. Anyway, in the 6th grade, my girlfriend of 1 year got in a car crash and passed away. It really messed me up for a while. I put on about 50 lbs over the next year.. I became withdrawn.. I developed insomnia.. And so I begged my parents to let me be homeschooled.

    So, instead of going into the 7th grade, I was homeschooled. It wasn't just that I missed my girlfriend at this point, it was also that I had become ugly in my eyes and I was self conscious.

    In the middle of the 7th grade year, my parents forced me back into school on about 1 week's notice because they didn't like how I was not social or how my sleep was all messed up. They never knew about my girlfriend because they would have punished me if they knew I was dating a non-Christian girl.

    Well, going back to school did not work well, and it was quickly apparent. I missed about 8 days of school in the first month. A couple weeks into that month, my mom put me in counseling. But after that month, I was being threatened with having a police escort to school because I was becoming truant, and so they had to homeschool me again.

    Counseling was a weird experience for me. I'm an extremely independent person and I am not really one to ask for help or talk about my problems in real life contact. I lied to the counselor, about almost everything. I acted like I was completely normal and didn't need to be there. It took a few months but eventually I got out of counseling.

    The next two years went by pretty quickly. I spent most of that time alone and I used the computer almost all day long. I was lazy and didn't actually do much of my homeschooling work, because I already know what I need to know to pass the standardized tests. Most of my learning was done from curiosity instead. I stopped talking to my friends except for a girl who lived down the street and came over occasionally. She was beautiful, and I knew she liked me as more than a friend, but it never took off and I moved a few months ago.

    So here I am now. I've recently lost about 20 pounds although I still have a long way to go on that front. I still don't have any real friends, I still don't get out much at all. And I'm really worried about the future. I don't know what kind of credentials I'll have to get into college since I'm homeschooled, and even though I don't think it'll be too much of a problem in the long run, I don't know how I'll pay for it anyway. I also don't know how I'll cope with the college environment that is extremely social. My parents keep trying to send me back to school but I keep resisting. They don't really like me or treat me well, ever since I became an atheist [they are extreme right-wing Christians, and so is my sister.. they treat her much better. They bought her a car, they're paying for her college, they won't even buy me simple things like shoes when my old ones are really worn out].

    I'm not really suicidal and I don't self harm.. but I kind of feel like I'm at battle with myself. One part of me just wants to die and be removed from the trivial things and problems of the world.. But another part of me wants to try and improve. I know everyone will say to go with the improvement part, and I've been trying to, but I just feel depressed lately. I'm tired of being so afraid of other people.. of being afraid of being social and being self conscious.. but I can't just tell myself to stop being afraid and make it so. I still have a terrible sleep schedule and I don't really want to see a psychiatrist about my feelings. I don't like to feel open or vulnerable and I don't like to communicate with my family. I know that I must be really lame to complain about these things because so many people have worse lives and I know that, but I just don't know what to do about it.

    I don't know, that's my pseudo-rant I guess. Sorry it was so long.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I would suggest you work slowly at getting yourselfr back into social situations. Just get your feet wet so to speak. It is hard when you withdraw socially from everything because it eventually inteferes with your ability to function even as an adult. You will need to work and earn money to survive. What will you do if you are unable to be social at all? Colleges can be done online, but it is much more expensive that way. It may be time to get yourself back into scholl and try therapy again. Only this time be honest. They cannot help you if you are not honest with them. Give things a chance.