I don't know anymore..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Eztral, Mar 21, 2006.

  1. Eztral

    Eztral Member


    I don't really have any addictions except cigaretts and physical self-harm,
    but lately I've started taking more and more drugs, drinking more, not giving a damn about what I do when I'm drunk..

    I had a lot of shit happen in my life, my "perfect" from the outside world..
    Anyways I developed a habit of cutting myself when I was about 14'ish, I remember my mom telling me to stop it because it would leave such ugly marks.. :dry: but when I was about 18 I stopped for alomst a year, and I was pretty carefree, but now everything is crashing, I started doing drugs, and I never did then before (I'm 20 now) and I feel like I'm gonna crash into the walls going insane, I keep drinking more and more, taking pills and drinking, just taking more to prove I can, not really caring if I die or live, and the weird part is, I can't figure a reason, my life has lots of really good friends, friends that turned me around before, and really is there for me, and still everything seems dead, it's harder and harder to take off the mask even to my best, closes friends, I'm just cold shallow and rude to them, and in one way I care, and in another I don't give a damn, one part of me bleeds and the other just sits idly by... I have no idea whats going on, and I just feel like I wanna die..
    but then I don't want to.. this is really f****** annoing it's tearing me apart.. if anyone please wanna share some similar experiences or talking about it.. that would be nice..
  2. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    It sound slike you have some serious addictions here. Is there a reason you feel you should hurt yourself like this? I would suggest getting help from a professional in breaking these addictions and finding better ways to deal. i hope you do because you don't deserve to be doing this to yourself. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. :hug:

  3. Eztral

    Eztral Member

    Yea, I know.

    I was kinda in the wrong zone when I wrote that post.

    I've tried "professional" help before, and having some person defining me to textbook ansvers and "look on the brightside" qutes for an hour really wasn't that help full..

    Sorry for imposing.

    Sincerly Eztral.
  4. Eztral

    Eztral Member

    I'm just gonna use this to let out a lot of crap.

    I'm currently alone in the world, I have my ex girl, who regards me her best friend in the whole world. I die a little inside whenever she calls me, because even though I don't wanna talk to her, I don't wanna cause her pain.

    I have about a 2-300 persons in my life, that all know me, when someone tells a story, and I'm involved everyone instantly knows who I am. Even though, noone knows who I am. I fill my days cutting and eating painkillers, drinking a lot, I play center at a low leauge american football team, I'm allways out, enjoying the nightlife. Allways going home alone, because I can't stand humans close to me, at the same time I prolly gonna cry myself to sleep because it hurts so bad to be alone.

    Whenever I'm out I allways flirt a lot, I'm pretty popular, prolly because I might seem out of reach, because I'm ironicly a misanthropologist, or w\e that word is, I hate humans in general, I don't think I hate humans though, I just hate the way they allways dissepoint me, or hurt me. So in the end I can have fun with them but never trust them.

    I had the most wonderful girlfriend, who broke down my walls, and made me trust her, and we had a wonderful time, then as time went by I grew colder and colder, close to what I was when starting to date her, only now I didn't think of hiding it, because I felt she had seen the true me, but thats not how it was. She left, found another one and now lives happily.
    A part of me is glad, another one is just wanting her to die, I am aware of how horrible this sounds, but atleast I wouldn't have to think about her constantly.. I used to be really good at turning off my feelings, forgetting about people, ignoring things that bothered me. Everything that happes, every song, every movie, everything in the whole world reminds me of her..
    Girls I meet reminds me of her, I look to find a replacement, but it's impossible..
    Now I just want to die.
    But I don't want to die.
    I wanna get over everything, I wanna forget all this, I wanna be that cold bastard, the one that noone knew what felt or ment, because he was a master of masks. So as the utterly smart individual I am, I started down a path of utter self destruction, trying to find me, and yet, the further I go, the more like me I feel, and yet, the further I go, I miss the me I was with her..

    I just needed to say this out "loud" somewhere, before I go utterly insane, if your looking for it to make sense, have a moral or anything, you might just give up now.