I dont know anymore...

[Mike04]

Hello everyone,

I decided to post and register here to see what others think. Please forgive me in advance, as this is hard to write for me (Although I am sure it is the same for alot of the other members here.)

Also I apologize in advanced if this post offends anyone...I do not mean to offend anyone nor to make anyone upset. Please forgive me (At least do that for me.)

---

I cannot smile. I see that everyone around me is having fun, smiling and enjoying themselves. Me, however, am always an outcast to everyone. I don't know if I am afraid of people, or hate them. Every day I feel sad. Some days depressed. Other times plain angry at myself. After all, how can the world be wrong? Surely I am the problem.

I want to have fun, and go out with people. I am just to scared to. Instead, I spend most of my life in my dorm room, away from everyone. I just cannot talk to people. And, a part of me does not want to.

I have so many things inside of me just hurting my mind, that I think about daily -- literally, to the point my mind starts to hurt. I cannot stand this world, nor how everyone nor anyone can be happy.

I don't know what I can post here... I already have a big list of reasons why I question these things (Not posted in this thread; consider it a "suicide note", if you wish.). This makes me question me, and my value of life.

I cannot be happy.
I'm either afraid, or just hate people that I cannot talk to them.
As such, I have no friends. Never. ...And I am 21 years old.

Alot of times I just cry at night. I think about alot of things in the past; I know I should not, but do. Alot of other times, I feel angry to the point where I hit myself, or choke myself (Putting a strap around my neck and pulling *very* hard.)

I also have a <Mod Edit: Robin - Method>.

I have tried over and over again to get where I want in life. However, I have so many problems. I cannot get a license because of my eyesight. I have an odd voice that makes it hard to communicate with people. I have a very stupid name -- just give me a reason why I should live a life that has no value.

Clearly if it costs a certain amount of money to keep someone alive in this day, then life must have a value... And, it is clearly not infinite. Also, as it requires money does this not display that money has greater value then ones' life?

---

I apologize if this post offends anyone--I just can't stand thinking like this. Pressure, it just hurts sometimes.

No one is at fault but me, after all. Oh right--I am also a lier, although I don't lie :/ . Not to mention, I am also stupid, although I had a very good GPA :/

The only actual friend that I had my family did not like, just because he was different (Not in race.)

The only thing I asked my mother to do was take of a plant for 2 months that has kept me company throughout my life. Its now dead because of her.

Alot of times I cannot talk to my family either. I'm just scared to...

Why am I like this? Why do I continue to try even though I always hit a brick wall? What is wrong with me? I try to be nice to everyone, but always get put down...at least this is how i feel...

The only people I have really considered "friends" are people that I communicate with on forums, as I tend to have better written communication skills then verbal communication do to my voice, and I am not looking at anyone.

I cant stand it anymore, and am frankly bored of life, as it is the same thing everyday. Same pressure. Same thoughts. Always sad. I cant stand it anymore, and dont know how long it will be until I end it.

I been told that I keep alot of things "bottled up" inside of me. I just cant stand the pressure. Then again, I don't know anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know myself anymore to know the answer. I hate myself for so many reasons. Am I at fault, or the world? Statistics would easily say the problem is me.

So, eliminate the problem. Eliminate me. Least if I'm not here, someone better would be in my place.

I do want to thank everyone from the various of forums that I visit (Including this nice community) for giving me a nice place to visit, and a place that I can truly call "home", with "friends".

I am just sorry my life is this way, and am sorry for thinking my dream was worth something. Guess not. Not in this world, anyway. Good bye dream. Good bye purpose. Good bye reason of life.

No, I am probably not going to do it tonight. When? Thats another question.
Whenever the bubble inside of me finally explodes, I guess.

This has not been happening for "days". Nor "weeks", nor even "months". I have been like this for YEARS. Every. Single. Day. The pressure is just building up...I am always sad.... :sad:

For those that read this huge post, I thank you and give you a virtual cookie (I apologize for this large post--I normally do not post large ones like this)

 

[Robin]

Hi Mike and welcome to the forum, am sorry you had to find us under these circumstances. I know you probably realise that we can't cure your depression but I hope that by posting here and by forming strong bonds of friendship that you may feel a bit better, enough to carry on maybe.

If you ever need a friend and / or just a bit shy, don't be afraid to drop me a pm, it can take me a few days to respond but I will do so.

Take care and be safe :hug:

 

[Nessarose]

Stay safe. Talk with us. I know you're in a lot of pain, but please don't hurt yourself. You might want to edit parts of your post, or the mods will, because some of the things you've listed would be considered suicide methods. Edit: Never mind. It's been done.

You are *not* worthless. Your life is valuable. I won't get into my religious beliefs/ preach at you, but your life does have meaning--and I believe many atheists would tell you this as well. If you need reasons, one is that you are clearly very intelligent, and you sound sweet.

Have you seen a doctor or therapist? Therapy and depression medications can help A LOT. The prospect of opening up to someone may sound terrifying, so I'll tell you something one of the mods here recommended to someone else: If you're afraid to talk, then print out what you've written here and show it to a doctor. You may or may not want medications, but it may be something to consider. You sound severely depressed, and the doctor might want to put you on something for depression. If you are on medication, how long have you been taking it? If it's not working, maybe your doctor can prescribe you something new.

Don't leave. Please stay safe and take care.

 

[Mike04]

Last edited by Robin : 11th November 2007 at 06:31 AM.

I'm sorry, did I make a mistake in my post? If so, I apologize for that--I did not mean to.

Thanks for your response. The only problem with that is online communities are only online. I can post and communicate freely online. However, I am sure if we meet face to face, things would be different. Note the word "sure".

*edit:

You might want to edit parts of your post, or the mods will, because some of the things you've listed would be considered suicide methods. Edit: Never mind. It's been done.

Oh... I see. Sorry about that.

 

[Mike04]

I first thank you for your response.

You are *not* worthless. Your life is valuable.

Everyone says this same statement alot. I respect you for this, however, it is hard to make statements like this without knowing the other person.

If you need reasons, one is that you are clearly very intelligent, and you sound sweet.

I have been told both plenty of times before. They both have little meaning if one cannot communicate or share with people.

Not to mention, I'm "Stupid", remember? Most people (Including myself) are ignorant in so many fields; everyone is stupid in this sense.

Have you seen a doctor or therapist? Therapy and depression medications can help A LOT.

Yep, and it did not help much at all. I did not tell them everything on my mind because I cannot. I just cant talk to them.

If you're afraid to talk, then print out what you've written here and show it to a doctor.

This sounds like an interesting idea. However, then there is the fear of them knowing everything on your mind. I also question if I really care enough for it anymore. I also do not feel like losing my job and getting into a worser situation because of this (Like it almost happened before.)

I have already promised myself that if I lose this job soon, I will end it on the spot. And, as previously indirectly indicated, I always keep my promises to the best of my abilities.

I am also scared of going back there, as it simply puts more on my mind, and more pressure on daily tasks.

Thanks for your responses so far though.

 

[Nessarose]

I know I don't know you, but I believe everyone is here for a reason and that God loves you. I'm aware this is becoming an unpopular belief (God's existence), but even--actually, especially--at my worst He's demonstrated to me how much He cares about me. I won't get into people like Hitler and Stalin, though I will say I believe they had the option to repent, even as sickening as the things they did are. Anyway, I'm not trying to debate, and I hope it doesn't seem that way. I'll just leave it at this: I believe you are valuable.

I have been told both plenty of times before. They both have little meaning if one cannot communicate or share with people.

You're communicating and sharing with us right now. Also, you are young--I'm twenty myself, and although I feel useless, sometimes I can recognize I'm young--and you have a lot of potential. I'm as reclusive as it gets, believe me. I can identify with what you're saying, but depression is an illness and it can be treated.

Not to mention, I'm "Stupid", remember? Most people (Including myself) are ignorant in so many fields; everyone is stupid in this sense.

I don't know why you say you are stupid, although I agree everyone is stupid in the latter sense. That doesn't mean I believe we should all kill ourselves, though. Also, as an example: People who are mentally handicapped. The people I've known like that are sweet, loving people, and those qualities in themselves are priceless. Intelligence isn't everything, so even if you were below average, your life would have meaning to me.

Yep, and it did not help much at all. I did not tell them everything on my mind because I cannot. I just cant talk to them.

I have this trouble as well. That's why I give notes, which brings me to...

This sounds like an interesting idea. However, then there is the fear of them knowing everything on your mind. I also question if I really care enough for it anymore. I also do not feel like losing my job and getting into a worser situation because of this (Like it almost happened before.)

Why would you lose your job? Also, you don't need to divulge everything. Take little steps as you build trust with the doctors. They are there to care for you and treat you. Often, they seem distant, but they don't mean harm in that.

I have already promised myself that if I lose this job soon, I will end it on the spot. And, as previously indirectly indicated, I always keep my promises to the best of my abilities.

I promised I would kill myself if I accepted the fact that I'm bisexual. Actually, I swore it, and stamped the swear with blood. That was five years ago. I'm still here. Please realize that your death would affect so many people.

I am also scared of going back there, as it simply puts more on my mind, and more pressure on daily tasks.

Try not to think of it as an obligation. The goal is to receive help, not wear you out more. Think of it as mentally relieving yourself. How does it pressure you? Could you discuss those things with your doctor?

Thanks for your responses so far though.

This may have been addressed to Robin, but if you were including me in your thanks, please don't. It's sweet of you, but there's no need. I'm here not only for myself but also to talk and hopefully lend an ear for people. :hug:

 

[Mike04]

Why would you lose your job? Also, you don't need to divulge everything. Take little steps as you build trust with the doctors. They are there to care for you and treat you. Often, they seem distant, but they don't mean harm in that.

Of course. Its their jobs. They get paid to care. That way when they are done with the current patient, they can forget about them and move onto the next patient.

Try not to think of it as an obligation. The goal is to receive help, not wear you out more. Think of it as mentally relieving yourself. How does it pressure you? Could you discuss those things with your doctor?

It gives me more to think about. Thinking of it as "mentally relieving yourself" makes me question my own mental abilities.

I don't know why you say you are stupid, although I agree everyone is stupid in the latter sense. That doesn't mean I believe we should all kill ourselves, though.

Agreed--and is not the reason, either.

Suicide has came to mind for me daily for quite a long time. Some of the reasons are listed in my first post. Most of the reasons are not.

 

[Nessarose]

Hun, all I'm going to say is please don't be so hard on yourself. I have to go, but that's probably a good thing because I seem to be making things worse. Stay safe. There are many people here with good advice, and I'm sure they'll come along.

 

[Nessarose]

It's been over an hour and I see you haven't replied. Please post to let us know you're safe... I'm getting worried.... Is there anything specific you want to talk about?

 

[Mike04]

Sorry--I went to bed; alot of times I just feel like I need sleep.