I don't know anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by The Loner, Mar 29, 2008.

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  1. The Loner

    The Loner Active Member

    I don't know what to do, i'm feeling suicidal right now but I am unable to say anything because I will be locked up again and if I say anything to my parents they will be very upset again like before and feel that they aren't being supportive enough .. nor does my mother need another stroke from stress. I've been on anti-depressants for 10 months now, they helped a little but now I realise they only numbed the suicidal feelings but didn't get rid of them. I am still without friends or a girlfriend at 21 years of age so i have no one to talk to. I've basically tried everything, I tried medication, I exercise everyday, I tried making friends with people but they aren't interested. I care about my parents deeply after all they have done for me but I don't want to hurt them by doing this, i'm not sure i'll see Monday - the anxiety of going back to work is crushing.
  2. The Jester Race

    The Jester Race Active Member

    First off - don't act upon those suicidal feelings. You may change your mind. You can't reverse the effects of suicide.

    Second - relationships aren't all that important, at least in my eyes. All they bring is drama and heartache. I'll admit, it's nice to have someone that cares for you but sometimes the goods don't outweigh the bads. Just my opinion.

    Is there a hotline you can call where you're from?

    And I'm here if you need to talk about anything :smile:
  3. Ardo85

    Ardo85 Active Member

    I agree relationships aren't really as important as it might seem. Especially romantic relationships, they are mostly based on superficial things especially at this age. Its good to have people to talk to but most won't even understand and even if they did understand would it make much of a difference?
  4. The Jester Race

    The Jester Race Active Member

    For a little while. Talking does help, but eventually those bad feelings return. It's a fucking cycle.
  5. The Loner

    The Loner Active Member

    I guess, who was i kidding? :rolleyes: Things won't get better they've been like this since i was 12.
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Being in a safe hospital, joining in groups to learn coping skills, taking time out from your present circumstances, all can be lifesaving things. I perhaps was fortunate to find a new small facility that only housed 10 men and 10 women, on separate wings off the gathering room. The first stay was helpful to some extent. The second was hell. Like you, I don't want to go back, especially involuntarily. I admitted myself voluntarily because I was attempting.

    My father died five years ago, and I don't think he'd have known how to deal with my depression and suicidality. Mom is a different story. She's been pleasantly concerned, calls to see how I'm doing, prays for me. She's a stronger woman than I thought when I was young. Still, I don't like to hurt her by acting depressed on the phone.

    Only ten months on anti-depressants? I've been on them for 6-7 years. My psychiatrist has worked with them for the past two years. and he almost every month tweeks something. He picks up on things in our conversation and adds a new med, increases or decreases dosage, takes me off a med. It took me at least eight months before I found which anti-depressant worked. So, I guess what I'm saying is talk to your doctor. Medication can have a lot to do with how you feel.

    Ah, relationships. One of those things common to all men and women. Some crave them, others run away from them to be left alone. I enjoy the feel of a big city (used to live in San Francisco), but now I live on ten acres seven miles from town. So nice to be alone in a quiet place. To each his own. I say that if you're alone, celebrate your independence from relationships. If you're a social butterfly, friends will be knocking on your door. I've never had one or two friends at a time ever in my life. I'm okay with that, but I do sometimes wish I had one closer than 150 miles away.

    You're using some good coping skills - exercise and so on. Keep doing them just for yourself. Appreciate your caring mother and stay safe for her as well as for yourself. I know from experience that when you're on that tightrope, looking down at death, it's hard to think of anything but yourself and your own problems. So what if anyone cares. I can't deal with life anymore. My counsellor told me to tell myself every morning, "I will stay safe for one day." Sometimes that was too much. All I could hope for was a safe hour. But that technique has helped me through a lot of suicidal episodes.

    We care about you and will look forward to hearing from you Monday and many more days/weeks/months ahead.

  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I agree Jim. You must take things a little at a time and don't be discouraged that things are not changing as quickly as you would like them too. It woul be nice if there were a magic pill that could fix things overnight, but there isn't. It takes time like everything else about depression. Communication is a key factor. Your doctor needs to know what is going on and you need to be able to share your thoughts and feelings outloud. I am glad you came here and have taken that step. I hope you give us the chance to support you. Take care :hug:
  8. The Loner

    The Loner Active Member

    Thank you gentlelady and middleofnowhere for your encouraging words. Thank you everyone for your time and consideration but i've decided to shoot myself before the morning because i'm unable to cope any longer.
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi there loner, please reconsider. you do not have to hurt yourself. let us help you until you are ready to live again. you won't always feel as low as you do right now. 3 months ago i was exactly where you are tonight and although i couldn't see it at the time it does get better. it's slow. it's difficult. but your tomorrow's can be brighter.

    now for the practical stuff, is there anyone you can call to be with you tonight so that you are not alone? do you have the suicide helpline number? i'll be back in a second with it... would you consider calling? like i said, even though you find yourself unable to cope, there are others who will carry the load for you until you feel stronger. you just have to ask....
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you mention your parents, so perhaps you are under 25? sorry if i'm wrong, but if you are under 25 there is Youthline (24/7 Helpline) on 0808 808 8000; there also Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. This is just to get you through the next 12 hours until your doctor's office opens. When it does, be sure and go there straight away.

    I know you worry about being sent to the hospital again but perhaps there are alternatives, like an intensive program at a day hospital as an outpatient (that's what I attend). Being admitted absolutely sucks, but at least they can keep you safe until you feel a little stronger.

    Please be safe.
  11. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Yes, things will get better, if you make an effort to change them. You're still very young and have many years ahead of you. You may not be aware of it now, but you're the most powerful person in your life. You alone determine your destiny.
  12. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    My cousin Lisa shot herself, several years ago. Her mother (my aunt) had to identify the body... as you can imagine, it was a gruesome scene, and my aunt has never really emotionally recovered from having to view her daughter with her brains splatted all over the walls.

    Trust me, you don't want to put your family members through that. And let's not forget what your life will be like if you botch the attempt. *shudder*
  13. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    My advice goes for everyone. If you are at the point of no return, just pack up and leave. Jump on a bus, jump on a plane. If you are that serious about ending your own life take a chance first, who knows what you'll find.
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