I don't know anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Theism Sixx, Oct 11, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Theism Sixx

    Theism Sixx New Member

    Uhm, hai there.
    I've just joined the forums, 'cause I need someone to talk to, more than anything.
    But, I don't really know where to start, so I guess I might as well just let it all out.
    My names David, and I'm 17 years of age. I live in the U.K.

    I never used to be like this, I don't even know how to explain it. Depression? That's probably what you can call it, but I'm not really sure about what you would define as 'depression', so bare with me.
    It all started when I was about 11/12. The year I left my primary school.
    Nothing big happened, at all. But, I split up from all my friends.
    Because of my mum's job, we've always moved about a lot. I don't know my Dad.

    So, yeah. Primary school. The summer holidays, just after the end of school, I spent a lot of time at home. I was usually a very hyperactive child, but who wasn't at that age? But, that summer was so different from me. It's when I started feeling alone. I was quite an intelligent child, as I was told. I passed all my Year 6 exams with flying colours. I was always working at a much higher standard than my peers. Anyway, I remember reading about self-harming, and that's when that started, and I haven't stopped.

    Over the years, everything's just gotten worse for me.
    I know, there's always someone who's got it SO much worse for them, I know that, and I feel terrible about burdening people with my problems. So I've always kept to myself, I don't tell people my problems, so this is quite a big step for me.

    For 5 and a bit years, I've been self-harming, and I've gone to hospital about 15 times, because of it. I've seen countless psychiatrists, and they all told my Mum the same thing, that it was just a phase.
    But it's not a phase is it? It's what's going on inside my head, and from it, I don't trust anyone.

    The paranoia plays a big part in my life, it really does. When I'm out, walking about. I can't walk near other people. I get jumpy if someone passes close to me. So, I have to take quite a wide margain to walk around them. When I walk into a room, no matter how many times I've been in that room, the SECOND I walk into it, I look for everything that can harm me, everything that can go wrong, and every possible exit.

    I also have underlying anger problems, which also have been getting proggressivly worse. I've had these as long as I can remember. It started out as little tantrums as a young child, but now, it's full on violent onslaughts. I manage to keep a hold on it, until I'm alone. But then I lash out on myself, and anything around me. And I'm scared that one day, I won't be able to control it, and I'll hurt someone. And I wouldn't be able to live with that.

    Since the start of secondary school, I've really gotten 1000x worse. I've failed my GCSE's. I got expelled from school. And no college wants me.
    I have no friends.
    I'm alone.
    And, I've been having these thoughts for 2 years now.
    I really don't want to be alive anymore, I really don't.
    I can't handle the pain, the heartache.

    Thank you for reading, I really do appreciate it.

  2. Khloe

    Khloe Well-Known Member

    Hello David,

    Firstly, i just want to say that right now i want to give you the biggest cuddle everrr!

    Well done for writing down your story, it must of been hard, but now you've done it, people on here will support you, and you won't feel as alone as you did before you came on here.

    I also joined today, and i'm also from the UK.
    I'm 20 years old now, and i've also self harmed, for 6 years.
    So i guess we have a few bits in common.

    The feeling of wanting to give up is the worst :( loosing enthusiasm to do anything, and trying to get it back is the worst.
    I've been on anti depressents for about 3 months now, and tbh not noticing much of a difference, yet.

    If you fancy a chat just PM me, i'm always online, and i have msn!

  3. Theism Sixx

    Theism Sixx New Member

    Hey there Khloe, thanks for your reply, it meant a lot.
    Do you fancy a chat on MSN? Seems easier than talking via PM.
    My MSN is OLOOK_itsdavid@hotmail.co.uk.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.