I don't know anything anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pink Teardrops, Jun 13, 2011.

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  1. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    I feel so, so.....strange?
    I honestly do not know how else to describe it. I don't recognize myself lately.

    My thoughts are so conflicting, so confusing, so unreal and real at the same time, so senseless yet they make make perfect sense, so bad but so good..
    I don't understand this.

    I think and i think and i think until it gets to the point where i lose all sense of reality. Severall times recently i have found myself remembering things that i know have never happened. I can sit and stare into space for an hour or more and not realize it.
    I find myself avoiding everyone. I don't want to be around people.

    Last week i took a lighter to my wrist and burned it.. yet i swear to god i didn't feel anything for about 5 minutes later. i was that lost in thought and numbed and... i don't know.

    I've been drinking too much, hardly eating. I can't eat. i get up make food but can only manage a couple of mouthfuls. I sit and watch a movie yet halfway through i realize i have no idea what's happening. I can't concentrate, i can't follow anything. i can't sleep, though i pretend that i do. I might drift off for an hour but then i will wake. I don't feel safe sleeping now. I don't know......

    I can't have a normal converation with someone. I drift off and forget what i'm saying.
    I forget to shower as normal (i have slight obession with showering like 2 times a day).

    I sit here in my apartment not knowing what to do next.

    I listen to Feeder on repeat, i look at my fathers journals in the hope that i find some words to help me but i can't focus.. and no matter how bad i've been before, my fathers journals and words ALWAYS helped me. Always. I don't understand this.

    It's Fathers Day at the weekend, i don't want to have to face it. The pain, the sorrow, the massive sense of loss that grips me every time i see or hear the word "Dad".
    Why why why was my dad that had to die? why?

    My heart hurts. Bleeds. Cries. Screams.
    what the fuck is happening to me?

    It's taken me over 2 hours to just type this and i don't want people to reply i just.. i wanted to get this out. To say my piece.. so to speak.

    I think i give up. I give up. I dont' even want to try or live anymore.
  2. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    Have you talked to the doctor about feeling this way? It sounds like you're dissociating from reality, or something. I would see about getting a medication to help with feeling like this.

    I hope you're alright. You deserve to live and be happy. Hugs.
  3. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    well thank you for replying. I didn't expect anybody to.
    I hate doctors. I have to see one every couple of weeks for other reasons. I don't talk to him. I was referred for counselling after my last attempt but i refused to go and i didn't take the anxiety meds and sleepers i was prescribed. i don't want to. So it's my own fault for being like this.

    Anyway, thanks again for replying :hug:
  4. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi Pink,

    Believe or not, I feel like I can understand you…

    I’ve read some of your other posts. I appreciate your poems. You know you are really talented. You are deserving. You are kind and forgiving. You have truly looked deep within yourself…

    It seems to me that the soul or spirit has been in communication with you through your mind while the thoughts in your mind were blocking (causing confusion) the messages from the soul or spirit. If you can quiet the mind or ignore the thoughts that are based on your past experiences, you may be able to hear the soul or spirit more clearly. (I’ve had similar experiences where I felt the soul or spirit was using my body while I as a person was absent or something - like my mind was empty- hard to explain…lots of paradoxes started to make perfect sense though ever since…I even stopped eating meat after that experience...I've never planned stopping eating meat...as if the soul somehow decided to change the course of this life experience or something...)

    I don’t know if you previously posted about your dad. What I do know is that your dad would love you to live, for yourself, and for him as well…in a way he is watching over you…

    Please let your talent continue to shine…

    With love and hugs :hug:
  5. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your.. well thought out reply and for taking the time to do so.

    I write not to impress but because writing is all i can do.. but thank you nevertheless for saying i have talent.

    I'm not sure i follow exactly what you are saying.. but that certainly is not your fault. My brain is barely functioning at this stage. Maybe i'll figure it out at some point.

    Take care. :hug:
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    I know you did not write to impress, hon. I also know that you are a beautiful soul :)

    Don’t worry about not following what I was saying there. It is something unexplainable. I just mentioned it for you to see the possibility of being in direct contact with the soul...

    Be well…:hug:
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