I feel so, so.....strange? I honestly do not know how else to describe it. I don't recognize myself lately. My thoughts are so conflicting, so confusing, so unreal and real at the same time, so senseless yet they make make perfect sense, so bad but so good.. I don't understand this. I think and i think and i think until it gets to the point where i lose all sense of reality. Severall times recently i have found myself remembering things that i know have never happened. I can sit and stare into space for an hour or more and not realize it. I find myself avoiding everyone. I don't want to be around people. Last week i took a lighter to my wrist and burned it.. yet i swear to god i didn't feel anything for about 5 minutes later. i was that lost in thought and numbed and... i don't know. I've been drinking too much, hardly eating. I can't eat. i get up make food but can only manage a couple of mouthfuls. I sit and watch a movie yet halfway through i realize i have no idea what's happening. I can't concentrate, i can't follow anything. i can't sleep, though i pretend that i do. I might drift off for an hour but then i will wake. I don't feel safe sleeping now. I don't know...... I can't have a normal converation with someone. I drift off and forget what i'm saying. I forget to shower as normal (i have slight obession with showering like 2 times a day). I sit here in my apartment not knowing what to do next. I listen to Feeder on repeat, i look at my fathers journals in the hope that i find some words to help me but i can't focus.. and no matter how bad i've been before, my fathers journals and words ALWAYS helped me. Always. I don't understand this. It's Fathers Day at the weekend, i don't want to have to face it. The pain, the sorrow, the massive sense of loss that grips me every time i see or hear the word "Dad". Why why why was my dad that had to die? why? My heart hurts. Bleeds. Cries. Screams. what the fuck is happening to me? It's taken me over 2 hours to just type this and i don't want people to reply i just.. i wanted to get this out. To say my piece.. so to speak. I think i give up. I give up. I dont' even want to try or live anymore.