I hate myself. I keep making decisions that hurt me. And now I am hurt badly though not in physical way. I am stuck at home for another year because again I gave up on college. Because I couldn't stand being there, I was too much afraid of the unknown or whatever. I just felt like killing myself. I can't live with myself I hate myself I wish I wasn't such a fool and such a weak person. But now. oh God. I am so lonely AGAIN. Why did I do that ? Why couldn't I just stay with all these people there. I think I'll end this I just don't imagine myself staying alone again for a year. I live in a very small town there are no people my age here. Those who are mostly into sports/drinking while I am not at all into these things. I want to go back in time and slap myself so hard now. I feel STRANDED here with no hope. I am getting older and another years go by like this...because I am afraid to challenge things. I do not think I can handle another year alone. It might be my last because it's too much for me. I need people that are not just...letters on a screen (no offence to anyone intented). My last meeting with friends was 3 months ago and there wont be another one for another 8 months. I don't have a girlfriend I wish I had one I feel so alone nobody to share problems with. Just my mom but well she's just my mom, I am so glad I have her and she supports me but I need normal relations. I hate myself for doing this to me. You can say "go out, find friends, it's easy !" but you don't know me or where I live. In this place I won't find any friends. I will be alone for another year. Sad. Crying. Thinking about suicide. Last year it was bad but not nearly as bad as this year. I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE TO FIND PEOPLE but I FUCKED IT UP I went back home because I couldn't stand that new place, it felt really painful for me to be there. And now I am here. Hurting even more.