i dont know how else to stop the pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by phoebe, May 1, 2009.

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  1. phoebe

    phoebe New Member

    Hello everyone. I'm at a loss as to who to turn to and I feel the need to write down what's going on and maybe anyone can comment. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

    I have had depressive spells since I can remember, and attempted suicide once at age 16. As well as periodic depressive spells I now suffer from a totally consuming and irrational fear of abandonment.

    Three years ago my boyfriend of seven years got up for work kissed me on the cheek and left, never to return. He ran off with a girl that he had met on the internet, they're now married and we still speak occasionally. The pain I suffered after this was immense and I barely managed to control my suicidal urges. My mum also abandoned me at a late age when I was about 25 but I'm not sure if that's an affecting issue since I don't feel affected by it but maybe it does have an impact.

    Ok so now I have a boyfriend who I have lived with for 2 years. Against all the odds he managed to train as a computer technician and found a job last year. However the situation wasnt good, as from the beginning his boss was very bullying and detrimental towards him causing him great distress.

    On Monday of this week my boyfriend failed to return from work and I received no communication from him as to why or where he was. It turned out that he had walked out of work after things coming to a head and he is now being accused of gross misconduct and may lose his job. However, instead of coming home and telling me about it, he travelled to his parents without letting me know he was going. As soon as he didnt come home from work I started to panic that he had left me.

    Since then we have spoken on the phone a few times but he has only been the initiator of the call once. He knows of my abandonment fear and despite my requests that he come home to reassure me that he isnt leaving me he still hasn't returned. Which is fair enough given that he needs his space to clear his head and whatnot. Our relationship has been stormy in the past and he has lied to me on several occasions and now although he assures me he is coming back on Saturday in time for my psychiatric appointment I cannot let go of the negative cycle of thoughts that he is lying to me and isn't coming back at all. This is not helped by the fact that he told me he would be home today, but then decided to stay for another day or so. I couldn't believe he could or would do that knowing the turmoil I am going through.

    My fear is so strong that I cannot bear it, I cannot function in any way, can't think about anything else. Part of me sees it as irrational yet things happen that appear to 'prove' to me that he isn't coming back. For example I phoned him just before I found this forum but his parents said he wasn't in but something about what was said made me think it wasn't true. Part of me thinks I'm being completely irrational and that just because he doesnt return calls doesnt mean he isnt coming home, but another part of me thinks that if he cared about me in any way he would call me especially since he knows how I am feeling.

    If he doesn't come back on Saturday I feel it will be the final straw because I simply cannot stand the mental, emotional and physical strain these feelings are having on me. I just can't bear it, they are too powerful. I am shaking, can't eat, can't focus on anything and feel as if I'm going insane and the pain in my chest is overbearing. I don't know whether my fears are justified or not and that thought is driving me even crazier.

    Someone please help.
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    First, welcome to the forum. There are many caring, insightful people here who I believe can be of help to you. I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to share so much of your personal information.

    Honestly though, your boyfriend, whether he comes back to you or not, doesn't sound like he cares enough to be 'the one' for you. I understand what you're saying about his issues right now and how he needs his space, but the fact that he knows of your abandonment fears, and how serious they are, makes me question whether you will ever feel comfortable with him again.

    It's not my place to tell you what to do; I'm just responding to what you've said.

    Please continue to post and let us know how this situation works out. We're here for you.
  3. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Hi Phoebe,

    I can't imagine going through what you have. I think it is very fair to say that having a mother that left at 25 is way more than enough to hurt anyone. I know you care about your boyfriend, but the last thing you need is more of this kind of treatment. You are perfectly justified in what you are feeling but you definitely deserve so much better. Sure, I can understand him needing space but he isn't being a good boyfriend by disappearing to his parents and shutting you out. Did he call you to tell you that he was at his parents or did you sit at home worrying?
  4. phoebe

    phoebe New Member

    Hi and thanks for the replies, its good to know there are people out there who care :)

    Its funny because I posted the exact same thread on a psychological help forum and the response from the professional there was the total opposite of what you both said. He says I should be aware that I'm not the only one going through something right now (very true) and that I shouldn't let my past experiences cloud my perception of current events. At the moment I'm inclined to agree with you all to a degree, however it seems really obvious to be right at THIS MOMENT that I can't rightfully apply my ideas of right and wrong to his 'treatment' of me when he can't possibly understand what it is I'm going through and is also going through some trauma himself therefore he can't be expected to be strong for me as well as himself.

    Basically if I wasn't experiencing the emotional problem, there wouldn't be a problem with the way he has behaved because when I think about it rationally all he's really done is bugger off to his parents for a few days because he couldn't deal with a situation. It's not his fault I have this emotional problem.

    Belladonna - he didn't tell me where he was until I cottoned on that he must have gone to his parents and phoned him there. He has since apologised for this and said he feels bad about it, but he simply gave in to the urge to run and didn't know what else to do.

    I dunno... all this typing about myself and my feelings I'm starting to feel entirely selfish and self indulgent lol.
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