Hello everyone. I'm at a loss as to who to turn to and I feel the need to write down what's going on and maybe anyone can comment. I'll try to keep it as short as possible. I have had depressive spells since I can remember, and attempted suicide once at age 16. As well as periodic depressive spells I now suffer from a totally consuming and irrational fear of abandonment. Three years ago my boyfriend of seven years got up for work kissed me on the cheek and left, never to return. He ran off with a girl that he had met on the internet, they're now married and we still speak occasionally. The pain I suffered after this was immense and I barely managed to control my suicidal urges. My mum also abandoned me at a late age when I was about 25 but I'm not sure if that's an affecting issue since I don't feel affected by it but maybe it does have an impact. Ok so now I have a boyfriend who I have lived with for 2 years. Against all the odds he managed to train as a computer technician and found a job last year. However the situation wasnt good, as from the beginning his boss was very bullying and detrimental towards him causing him great distress. On Monday of this week my boyfriend failed to return from work and I received no communication from him as to why or where he was. It turned out that he had walked out of work after things coming to a head and he is now being accused of gross misconduct and may lose his job. However, instead of coming home and telling me about it, he travelled to his parents without letting me know he was going. As soon as he didnt come home from work I started to panic that he had left me. Since then we have spoken on the phone a few times but he has only been the initiator of the call once. He knows of my abandonment fear and despite my requests that he come home to reassure me that he isnt leaving me he still hasn't returned. Which is fair enough given that he needs his space to clear his head and whatnot. Our relationship has been stormy in the past and he has lied to me on several occasions and now although he assures me he is coming back on Saturday in time for my psychiatric appointment I cannot let go of the negative cycle of thoughts that he is lying to me and isn't coming back at all. This is not helped by the fact that he told me he would be home today, but then decided to stay for another day or so. I couldn't believe he could or would do that knowing the turmoil I am going through. My fear is so strong that I cannot bear it, I cannot function in any way, can't think about anything else. Part of me sees it as irrational yet things happen that appear to 'prove' to me that he isn't coming back. For example I phoned him just before I found this forum but his parents said he wasn't in but something about what was said made me think it wasn't true. Part of me thinks I'm being completely irrational and that just because he doesnt return calls doesnt mean he isnt coming home, but another part of me thinks that if he cared about me in any way he would call me especially since he knows how I am feeling. If he doesn't come back on Saturday I feel it will be the final straw because I simply cannot stand the mental, emotional and physical strain these feelings are having on me. I just can't bear it, they are too powerful. I am shaking, can't eat, can't focus on anything and feel as if I'm going insane and the pain in my chest is overbearing. I don't know whether my fears are justified or not and that thought is driving me even crazier. Someone please help.