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I don't know how I feel anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bookworm123, Feb 1, 2012.

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  1. bookworm123

    bookworm123 New Member

    I am 14, 15 in a few weeks, and I suffer from depression. I bottle it up, I don't tell people about it.
    I have been through quite a lot for my age. I have secrets nobody could ever comprehend, and my head spins with the pain of holding it all inside.
    I lived with an alcohol for 11 years, this had a damaging effect on my outlook of life and my trust towards others. I watched someone I love damage themselves and our family, and it was painfully upsetting and it tore me apart everyday through my primary years.
    But something terrible happened to me. When I was 13, somebody tried to sexually abuse me. Luckily, I got away before anything too serious happened. The trust I was beginning to build up? Shattered. Gone.
    I lost my amazing boyfriend, many friends and the love from some family through my depression. I miss how things used to be, painfully badly.
    I resort to cutting and biting my skin, it's stupid, but I can't stop. It's like I'm hooked.
    I hate myself for who I am. I'm a Christian, and I'm 86% sure I'm a bisexual. God won't accept me, but life doesn't accept me either. I don't see the point in prolonging my death anymore.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun you need to stop bottling your emotions up hun You need to find someone to talk to get some therapy for YOU okay a teacher a councillor at your school your church minister someone who can help you stop feeling so bad I am glad you are reaching out here hun so many can relate to your story Just know hun there is help okay but you need to speak up you need to reach out and get the support to heal h ugs
  3. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    How can God accept you if you don't accept you? How can anyone accept you if you don't accept you? That's a sincere question. :)

    One thing to consider is that 99% of the people in the world don't love nor accept themselves. Everyone is lost, everyone is confused, it's just a minority is willing to escape through a quick suicide. Nearly all simply die slowly, rotting and waiting for their bodies to die of old age.

    Life itself is an amazing miracle. That we don't realize it is because of never ending mental confusion that drains our energy for life, right? In brief rare moments of clarity, life felt good and those are moments when somehow the mind was tricked into resting, releasing that energy it was using to be available to share with others....love.

    A big problem with organized religion is that it totally depends upon creating an illusion that is lived in for your entire life. Ideas of God and heaven and hell become habitual. And we all know that theologies are loaded with unbelievable contradictions and those contradictions are confusing. So these ideas are mental habits that are full of contradictions, making you miserably confused all day everyday, sucking your very life energy from you trying to sort all this out.

    So the mind comes up with suicide as a way out of this struggle but the mind doesn't have truth, it just has ideas. The truth is invisible to the mind. That you're still alive is because innately you are meant to live, you are life positive. That you are thinking of how to escape your thoughts is a testament to your desire to live happily without those thoughts. And the blind mind thinks that one way to kill the thoughts is to kill the body. NO! There's another way that ends in love. That's through growing to see what you couldn't see before, that your mind couldn't see before.

    Please take a look at my pages on suicide on my blogsite? Time to self heal....http://www.profound-self-help.com/articles-on-suicide.html

    Thanks, Ron
  4. HollowRhythms

    HollowRhythms Well-Known Member

    wow... minus the christian part, and the sexual abuse actually happened to me... this is my life 13-15 years ago.

    i've learned it's way better to not bottle emotions. . i've been able to learn to trust again, takes a lot to earn it, but it can happen now. my mother drank, and as bitter as i am with the whole thing, the only good thing that came out of it is i dont really like drinking...

    Hon, when we're depressed people tend to isolate themselves, and the reason your'e hooked is because it releases endorphines that actually make you 'feel good'

    We're for the most part a very understanding, non-judgemental bunch. I joined 3 months ago, and have been welcomed with open arms. The chat room is good if you want to talk to someone. Around here, anyone can find someone who's gone through some of the same things who's able to help them.

    I hope you get what you need from here, whether it's a place to learn to vent, ideas to cope, or just an ear for someone to listen.

    Take care, hope things start looking up for you.
    :hug: Amanda
  5. cc1990

    cc1990 Well-Known Member

    I used to be a Christian until I reached the age of reason.

    I'm gay and when I was your age I bottled it up and I didn't even kiss a guy for the first time until I was 19. I thought I was ugly, I wasn't good enough to date any of the guys at my school because I was a loser, I still am. I kept to myself and I didn't have many friends. When I was in school, I never went to any of the games, I hated the pep rallies, I hardly socialized with anybody. I kept my head down, did what little work I felt like doing and I didn't fit in with the other kids. I wasn't one of them, I felt like I didn't belong, I just didn't care. I've never been happy in my life.

    If I were you, I'd get help, talk to a counselor, maybe see a shrink, talk to a teacher or somebody.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2012
  6. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    What makes the rest of the world a winner? Everywhere you look are shallow people judging everywhere. I don't want to be part of that crowd. Inside me I see a loving creative being that seeks to express and share. I know that inside everyone is the as well, but nearly everyone is too consumed with ipads and status.

    I'm really seeing where people like us took on a negative self image from a very young age because of the rejection from the masses making us believe that something is wrong with us. No, something is extremely right about us....we just want to be ourselves in a world that rejects authenticity and honesty.

    Every person on this board that is struggling is exceptionally intelligent. I can hear that in the beautifully stated observations. We can see deeper into life than the masses. We aren't excited about what the masses are excited about and really who cares? I never cared for sports...I think they are stupid. When you see how the world runs on and exploits the ego and how deep down you're just trying to be you, then the self hatred stops.

    There's a huge misunderstanding here.....the masses are sick, the masses are mentally ill, but in a way that is socially acceptable amongst themselves. Dig deeper into this and you will be able to lift the fog that keeps us all terribly confused and hating life.

  7. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    "The creative adult is the child who survived"

    How true!!!! :smile:
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