I dont know how much longer I can hold on for

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by emptysoul2, Nov 6, 2013.

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  1. emptysoul2

    emptysoul2 Member


    I don't think im going to live much longer

    ive just been discharged from the psychiatric hospital. I was in for four months
    ive been home for a day. i'm suicidal. I don't think I can hold on much longer.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi emptysoul2. i am so sorry to read about what you have been through. That's a lot of pain. What kind of after care have they set up for you? You dont have to answer that of course. And it also doesn't change how you feel. I was just hoping you are not left to yourself. alone.

    This is a good community. I hope you will post as often and as much as you want. Some of us hang on to life by coming here. Its sort of our lifeline. I honestly do not know where I would go if I did not have sf to come to. So I do hope you will make it your community. It might help you too to get through the days and nights. I hope it is okay to send you these
    ::grouphug1: :hug1: :hug2: oh yes, and :waving: welcome
  3. emptysoul2

    emptysoul2 Member

    hi flowers


    I have my care coordinator coming today. that's all. he's probably going to tell me that I need to find ways to cope, and give me stupid suggestions on coping such as calling a helpline or drawing or making a cup of tea and things like that.

    I discharged myself from the hospital because I don't/didn't believe it could help me. I feel like there's nothing that will work anymore. I feel theres no way out for me. and I just feell like my only option is to end it all. I have psychosis and ive been up all night seeing things and I did call a helpline but the guy on the other end just sounded as if he'd just woken up and all he could suggest to me was to talk to my nurse tomorrow (today)

    truth is I have come close to leaving in the night. but I just did something else instead. its helped ttemporarily.

    I cant stand hearing voices and seeing things anymore. I cant stand myself im a burden to everyone and everyone is angry at me for discharging myself. I am too. I feel like ive lived all I can cope with. :(

    I guess my nurse already knows im suicidal. so I wouldn't even bother mentioning it too him. everyone seems to think I be ok to cope at home , otherwise they would've said to stay in the hospital.

    thanks for your reply. I will see how tday goes. and that's as far as I can plan ahead to live. I don't know whats next. I don't know anymore.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    thanks for explaining things. Do you think that a different doctor at a different place might have a better combo of meds? Does the doctor who has been treating you really know about all the different meds to try for psychosis? Often times its a matter of getting the correct meds for it. Not always that easy. I dont know. But I did want to ask the question. which leads me to the question: is there another doctor you could go to. To get a second opinion on the medications you are taking? HAve you checked out intervoice? Its not for medications. Just a community of people who all hear voices. http://www.intervoiceonline.org/ I found it because I found a TED talk given by a woman who has or had schiziohrenia. Great video. http://www.ted.com/talks/eleanor_longden_the_voices_in_my_head.html

    Please keep posting here. This can be a really good place to come.
    :purplepetals: :giraffe:
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hello emptysoul and welcome to SF's... soul, if you are seriously considering taking your own life now or in the near future, you should talk to the aftercare people thant you have now and let them know this is how you are feeling now.. death is final , never improves at all and gives no possibilities for good things in the future.. have had my misadventures many yrs ago with psychosis and paranoid schizophrenia. did finally get some help anD been better for long time now.

    talk to your help please and let them know what is going on for you now.. you are not a burden.. you are someone who is in need now and these people are there to try to help you.. look around this place some and now that you have started talking her please do not stop.. you are very welcome here.. chatrooms can be helpful also.. usualy got ppl in there..

    please try to stay safe.. and take care. Jim
  6. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    I see its really hard but suicide is final and really it sounds more that you need a better support system on the outside, also being in hospital for 4 months and then discharging yourself can be hard as being within those walls and now being in your own 4 walls can be very daunting and lonely, you get used to the routine in those places and I know when I have come out I have questioned if I can actually take anymore. its like I want help but want to be independent, I want to be kept safe but cant handle being locked up. I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but there is always hope, I know it may not feel like that just now and I know when I am feeling at my worst hope goes out the window. Be honest with your nurse they aren't mind readers even though at times I feel they know how I feel but they aren't living the reality of your life and unless you explain it nobody will get a true sense to how much you are struggling. It could be a change of meds or something that will quiet the voices give it a chance, and this site is very caring and understanding

    please try and stay safe and if its a matter getting through minute by minute that's ok, notice your accomplishments write them down, even if it is getting out of bed in the morning or speaking to someone etc etc, you need to recognise the things you DO do that gets you through the days but whe they are just in your head negative thoughts tend to overrule the positives.

    do take care of yourself be honest with your caregivers and be nice to yourself
  7. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire SF Veteran

    I have psychosis too, and was just in the hospital as well. Not for as long, only for four days, because as soon as my involuntary hold was up I signed myself out. I understand how you feel. I find keeping busy helps to keep the voices at bay. I also have Thorazine that I can take when I need to. That might be a good idea to ask for. Not Thorazine specifically, but a med that you can take to help the voices when you feel they are just getting to be way too much to handle. That's all I can really suggest. Keep busy, keep reaching out, and try to talk to your doctor as well. Good luck to you! You can PM me anytime you need someone to talk to, by the way. I'm always around to listen. Sometimes knowing someone in a similar situation can feel comforting.
  8. emptysoul2

    emptysoul2 Member

    thank you everyone.

    well, I'm still here, but still struggling to survive.
    I just quit my antidepressant because I feel it was making me worse (Cymbalta).
    I attempted again last week three times. I don't regret it, I wish it worked.
    my care coordinator, well I told him last week after my attempt(S) that I was still suicidal and he just said
    "im not a panicker, but if I was, I would be admitting you to hospital everyday"
    I then went to a&e to talk to someone from the crisis team. they sent me home, she was going to admit me but there wrr no beds in the local hospital so I said no .
    today is another day of struggle and .. I just give up. I don't know how to help myself anymore. I've been doing all that's been advised and it's not working. I've been doing art and distractions, listening to the radio, talking to people and things like that, but it's not working. I ust feel like im doomed and just that suicide is my only option

    I called a helpline last night and I just couldn't sy those words "im suicidal" because I know they would've called an ambulance out on me and I don't want that. I just be sent home again, or put into hospital and then just come ot the same as usual.
  9. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear emptysoul2,

    I am so sorry for your despair. I began praying for you.
    I would much like to know what makes you feel so empty. Is it the lack of love, rejection, feeling of uselessness?
    Is it by the influence of others that you feel "doomed" and suicide is the only solution?
    If you want to pm, pease do do. We could chat privately, too.
    I am myself heading in the same direction as you, but I think as long as there is a possibility that things could change, it is worthwhile to endure.
    Please talk to one of us here. Maybe there is another solution for you!

    Many hugs and much love, Maedchen

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