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I don't know how much longer I can hold on...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hopeless94, Sep 16, 2014.

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  1. Hopeless94

    Hopeless94 New Member

    Hi everyone, I am Mike and I am new to this site. I figured I'd give this site a try and see what happens...

    So, I've been having suicidal thoughts for the past 2 years now. They come and go and vary in strength. I'm currently having said thoughts...
    It all started during the summer right before freshman year in college (I am currently a junior). Over that summer, a girl and I started to hang out and we got really close. We were both going to attend the same university in the fall. She started holding my arm, calling me pet names and giving me a whole bunch of other signals that she liked me. So, during the first week of school, I asked her out. She said that she'd think about it and let me know in a week. That disappointed me a bit, but I was optimistic and tried to woo her. So we hung out a lot that week and I even wrote her poems. We met at the end of the week and she gave me a letter and then ran off. I was a bit concerned but still optimistic about the letter. So I read the letter and it basically said that I was a great guy but the answer was no; she said she didn't feel a spark. This didn't make sense to me since we had a great time hanging out together and she was giving me signals that she liked me. I cried and cried, because she was the first girl that I had ever spent a significant amount of time with and asked out. I was just so surprised because I really thought that she liked me.

    Prior to this experience, I never really thought about getting a girlfriend or falling in love, I figured it'd just happen and I never sought it out. But now, after experiencing what I thought was love (the arm holding and other signs) I really wanted to have a girlfriend. I realized that all I really want from life is to have a wife and kids that I truly love and they truly love me. But like I said, no girl had ever shown me affection before. Therefore, I started to think that I'd be forever alone because the only girl who had ever shown signs of liking me in my whole life rejected me. I figured that I'd rather not live anymore than be forever alone. So that is when my suicidal thoughts came about.

    In addition, I stayed around my friends from high school also attending the university and I never really branched out. Since the girl also went to my high school, it sort of became an issue. All of my friends (including my roommate) turned on me and began to make fun of me for asking her out and getting rejected. So then I no longer had friends at the university. This added to my state of solitude, and thus furthered my suicidal thoughts.

    I watched stand-up comedy and movies to keep me going from day to day. One day, the suicidal thoughts were getting really bad and I wanted to drown myself in sorrow, so I watched a movie in which a depressing song called Mad World comes from. The movie was Donnie Darko, and in fact, it wasn't a depressing movie at all. It was a great and inspirational film that gave me hope and temporarily ended my depression/suicidal thoughts. Ever since then, the thoughts come and go.

    In the summer before sophomore year, I found a free online dating site. This boosted my hope through the roof because there seemed to be so many great and genuine girls on the site. However, after being on that site for over a year, I've only gotten one date...and I went on this date at the beginning of this school year. I thought the date went well, but she didn't want to go on any more dates after the first. I know I was a bit awkward at first, but then I thought I did well in the middle and end of it. I started talking like I normally do and made her laugh a bit.

    So one idea I have as to why girls reject me is because I'm ugly. I hadn't really gave that idea much thought, I always thought I was at least decent looking. But after being told that I'm a great guy with a great personality but that I couldn't be seen as anything more than a friend, I realized that I am ugly. And sure, I can't change that, but it just contributes to my idea that I'll be forever alone...

    Also, I am no longer sure of my career path. I am majoring in engineering by the way. Ever since my suicidal thoughts came about, I have been thinking of switching my career path to that of a screenwriter for films, a standup comic, or a math teacher. However, it's too late now as I am in my junior year...as much as I wanted to be an engineer, I'm beginning to think that I can't do it. The classes are getting much harder, to the point that I'm not understanding much. Also, I just don't see myself working math problems all day for the rest of my life (unless it's in a teaching setting). I could only see myself doing this if I have a wife and kids that depend on me...which I'm starting to doubt I'll ever get.

    I also recently had an interview for a summer internship. This would normally be a good thing because only a few get selected for interviews. But I didn't do that well on the interview...I started out ok but then I messed up. However, at the end of the interview, I was still optimistic. When they called and told me I didn't get the internship, it felt like the day that the girl gave me the letter...I felt like such a failure...

    I fail interviews because of my shyness/nervousness. I fail dates because I'm ugly. Both things that I fail are integral to my success and happiness in life. I just don't see the point of living if I fail at everything that I want from life...

    P.S. I haven't reached out for help because I don't want my parents to worry. Also, I feel like I'm leaving some stuff out and/or I made some chronological and grammar errors...sorry, I'm just tired
  2. Hi, I just wanted you to know someone has read your post and cares about you. I am not in a situation to be of real help to you, but I came here looking for help as well. I hate to see someone go unanswered for so long. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don't, just want you to know that you have been heard. Keep hanging in there, I'm sure someone will know better how to respond. I hope you are okay. And it sounds like you have accomplished a lot with school, you have to be smart so be proud of that. Maybe there will be room to change your career path yet. Wish you the best
  3. denise_c

    denise_c Active Member

    for hopeless94:

    before considering the option of killing yourself, i suggest that you try the help that is available. i am sure you can get help without your parents knowing.
    love isn't something you get for being beautiful, but for being confident - mostly. good news are that being confident will also help you with work and happiness.
    there are 7 billion different ways of being confident and one of them is yours. you just have to find it. don't expect it to be anything else but unique.
    to find your confidence i advise you again to seek help through therapy, hobby, spirituality and/or intense communication with your fellow human companions.
    in your way don't mistake anything superficial for something worthy. happiness is like sex and there is no fun when it is only faked.
    Good luck,
  4. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Since both things are important in arriving at what you consider to be success and happiness in life, can you share with us what have you done so far to improve on these two issues? I can understand that you don't want your parents to worry. But if you end your life, your parents would be devastated for most of their lives.

    I have failed quite a number of interviews too, but have also succeeded getting through some even though I know I was still nervous. I'm no handsome guy, but I'm not ugly. Physical appearance is not the only factor why dates don't work out. Even if your physical appearance is so good that you are flooded with dates, you would have to choose one date in order to know the person better and I hope your consideration won't be just physical appearance alone. Unless you are looking for short-term relationships.
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