I don't know how much longer I can hold on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostandlonely, Apr 30, 2007.

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  1. lostandlonely

    lostandlonely New Member

    I'm new here. I don't really know where to start... I'm only 17 years old, but I've contemplated suicide so many times in my life. I suffer from clinical depression and social phobia, have done for years now. It's messed up my friendships, my education, my family life, everything. These days I find it difficult to leave the house - most of the time I just sit around at home on my own, getting more and more depressed. I feel so pathetic, helpless, worthless. I'm on medication, I see a psychiatrist, but nothing's working. As soon as I even feel a little bit better everything goes wrong again. I have nothing going for me, my life is just... empty

    The only thing that's keeping me going is my boyfriend. The problem is, he's a lot older than me. This makes seeing him difficult as I have to lie to my parents and hide things from them - I mean, you can imagine what kind of conclusions they would jump to. I think they're starting to get suspicious. I can't tell them the truth though, they wouldn't understand... He's seriously depressed too, and I'm so scared that he's going to commit suicide. He's mentioned it before and the thought of it terrifies me. If he leaves me, I'll have no one. I'll be all alone, and that scares me so much. I really love him, and to lose him would just push me over the edge. I'm barely hanging on as it is...

    I've already started planning my suicide, just in case I ever have to resort to it. I've got such a bad feeling that this is all how it's going to end. I don't know what to do :(
  2. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    i wish I could say I have a girl friend to live for...
  3. crisis

    crisis Member

    I had it, it didn't helped, 'cause when the story came to a crisis it was one of the biggest reasons to commit suicide for me. I think that salvation is not in the persons around us, they can help, but in the end I think we can find it just inside ourselves.
  4. LittleSparkles13

    LittleSparkles13 Well-Known Member

    I'm here if you ever need to talk. The good thing is though, that you have a boyfriend to support you. I'll never find one.
  5. lostandlonely

    lostandlonely New Member

    I know, and I'm grateful for him, I really am. But he's been so distant recently... I know him, he isolates himself when he's depressed. I'm just scared that it's a sign he's about to end it all. If that happens, well, I don't know what will happen to me.

    I'm living on a knife's edge right now, it's horrible.

    Thanks for listeninng :hug:
  6. LittleSparkles13

    LittleSparkles13 Well-Known Member

    I can actually understand that, it seems like you have low self esteem and you're just afraid that he'll leave you. I know that feeling all too well, so i know how it feels.

    I'm here for you
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