I Dont Know How Much Longer I Can Last

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, Jan 16, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    My name is Bill. I am 42 yrs old.

    I was very suicidal late last fall, even made an attempt. After getting treatment (Spent a week in the hospital) and felt better for a short while. Then I decided I would wait until after the holidays and take care of it then.

    Well it is after the holidays....and I am utterly all alone. I now know that my wife soon to be exwife is dead serious on this divorce and there is really now no chance of us getting back together.

    I told my Doc's my Therapists, the people in the hospital, all the pro's I have seen, I have told my friends, and my family and even her, and yet no one is listening. So I am going to say this one last time.....I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!! Even if I could, I can't. Not after 20 years.

    It's really simple now. She wont take me back, and I cant live without her. Seems like I now know what to do. All I have to do is buy some booze and this thing at the local store. I will be unconsious within a minute and dead within 5 mins.

    I think next week I am going shopping.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2009
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Bill and so sorry you are in such pain...20 years ago, I felt the same way...my ex of 13 years was my world...I did not know how to do much and did not want to...today, I feel very different...I have me...and some very good company, but I live for and with me...hope you can find a place where you come first...I am sure you are a valuable and worthy person! big hugs, J
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I have tried for 3.5 months to find that place where I can live just for me. I havent lived a day since the day she left me. I have only existed. I am tired of worry, I am tired of projecting, and quite frankly I am tired period. My depression gnaws at me daily like a dog on a rawhide bone. I just dont know if I have the strength or will to go on much longer. Really I am quite saddened.

    Good news though, I dont think I will go to hell over this. Pretty sure hell is on earth and I am already in it.
  4. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    Bill, for what it's worth, I've been through some really bad breakups. Including a failed engagement. I kind of felt the way you do...and man was it hard to get over, but let me say one thing:

    Right now you feel, you KNOW, you can't live without her. And you're right in a way. Because being with her is all you know, even if it's this pathetic struggle to keep making it work. But it's going to end and you actually don't know how bad it's going to be (or not).

    Let it end, let it take its course - and then give it a try. I know that right now you don't think life afterward could be worth even exploring. I have felt that way myself at the point you are at right now. But the end of the relationship is coming, and it can't be avoided --- and as bad as you think it is going to be --- it is an UNKNOWN.

    And if you work at it, life after this woman might not be that bad. In fact, I can almost guarantee that life after this woman is going to better than life TRYING TO KEEP this woman.

    Give it a try, brother. Once you get over the initial choppy waters, you can really start cruising. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

    You won't have this woman, but you will have the freedom to do what you want, and to find another woman if you want. And you will be free of the burden of trying to make the relationship work. Even though you're sure right now that it's what you want, I believe the day will come that you are glad that stage ended. I really do.
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