I don't know how much longer I have left.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 11, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I think I have resigned myself to the fact I don't have long left.

    I say goodbye to my nephews like each time is the last as I don't actually know if I will see them again.

    I feel talking about things makes it worse for me. Thinking about things makes it worse. I don't think counselling is working as I feel that talking about issues probably makes them worse. Were they even issues before?

    I really don't know how much more I can take. This episode is turning in to the longest for me. Usually just a few months and goes away and comes back. It's not going away and it's getting worse.

    So where to and what now?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Not sure I have any words of wisdom, but wanted to let you know I care and that I am sorry things are so rough for you...I hope that counts for something...big hugs, J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    where to if you are unsafe then go to hospital where they will keep you safe. may not be what you want but it is what you need. tell them your plan and get them to put you in hospital until all this stops hugs
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    big hugs. counseling can be hard, no doubt. take it slow and steady. don't rush things. you are in control of what you talk about and take it only at the pace that is safe for you. some topics are bound to be triggering. maybe next time you see sam talk about how you can stay safe while being in counseling. that's most important. thinking of you,
  5. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    In response to one of the posts above, I don't know how the conditions are (good or bad) at the long term hospitals in your area, but you could argue that safety is #1. I don't know how I could last that long in a mental hospital if conditions are bad (as in.. jail-like bad). I've heard horror stories about the ones in my state, which is why I'm out of the hospital and scared of ever being honest.

    I just felt like commenting on that because I'm as scared as hell of long term hospitals even though that might be my downfall.
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Hospital is the worst thing that could happen. 1) I have worked in the psych hospitals here. I know staff and so would make it a lot worse for me. 2) If it got to that stage all control is taken away from me and I know things would get worse. I still have an iota of control when it comes to self harm. If in hospital people would know and I think I would just lose control. 3) I know I have come out of it before. The course I am doing and my future career are at stake. I don't want to do anything else. I know if it were to happen I would lose all that.

    What I am struggling with is the 2 personalities that I have. The two people inside me. The one that is career minded is trying to keep all this under the surface. The other one doesn't care and wants to die. It's draining, it's hard work and I don't know how much longer it will go on for.

    I really don't see me being around for that much longer. I am concentrating on my course and career but I wonder why as I don't actually think I will pursue it as I wont be around to. It's just a waiting game until the right method comes up for me.
  7. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    :hug: If you do need an ear, you can always drop me a message. :hug:
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It's just that it's so hard to keep up the act. I want to do well on one part. The 2 people are becomming so different from one another and that worries me.
  9. house_atraides

    house_atraides Active Member

    I have said the exact same things to myself. It feels like you are constantly fighting yourself and who you used to be just wants out. Message me if you ever want to talk because reading your posts give me more hope. I hope I can help.
  10. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I have read some of your posts and believe that you offer a lot to sf.
    How about responding to your own posts as you would to someone else? X
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Fitzy...I have done that in my head. I have worked on psych wards for the past couple of years and when I have found myself thinking like what patients have disclosed to me I often try to think what would I say to them. Then I say it to myself. I am a crap psychiatric support worker LOL. I know I need to follow my own advice. It's a bit hypocritical really. I have not worked since September as don't think I am in the right place to at the moment. I don't want a patient coming to confide in me and me having to be hypocritical, or on the other hand going "yeah, you know what, life is crap. I am feeling the same, lets top ourselves together"! Ok I know I wouldn't do that. But I don't think I am in the right place to be working at the moment.

    Giving advice is a hell of a lot easier than following it!

    HA- thanks for the message. Can i ask what you mean it gives you more hope? Do you mean what I write to other people or what I write about myself.
  12. house_atraides

    house_atraides Active Member

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