I don't know how much more I can take

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lmw106, Apr 22, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    I am new to this forum and glad I have found it. That is the only ray of hope I have at this point. I really don't know how much more I can take. I am at the end of my rope. I am so alone. It hurts so much to be me. The pain is so intense. I am just so tired of all the pain. There are people in my life that I can not escape and know that I am at my breaking point but just seem to want to cause me all the pain that they can. I can't leave, I tried that and that just got me beaten and raped. There is no escape, I am alone and death is the only escape that there is, but like everything else I can't even do that right ( to qoute my mother).
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you find help and support here.

    I'm sorry everyone around you is treating you so bad. Is there anyone at all you can turn to, someone that can help you get away from everyone?

    I'm around if you need to talk; you can PM me anytime.
     
  3. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    No, I have no one at all
    I am very alone
    I really do not have anyone
     
  4. funkyfrog

    funkyfrog Member

    Welcome to the forum, you'll find many friends here, and more than one that shares your sense of hopelessness. There is hope, there is always hope and I'm sure you'll find it here.

    Like Wild Cherry, I'm also about to chat, why not log into the chatroom and say hi?

    Take care,

    Paul
     
  5. Marxx

    Marxx Member

    Hi. I am also new here.

    I understand you so very well. I have a very similar situation with myself.

    I also know is very hard to face them, but I try myself to defende showing no emotional effects with their acts to offend me. Thats a start to somewhere...

    When we are alone (even with millions of people around) it is hard to get support, so like you I joined this forum I am sure we can win.

    Call me a "dreamer"... I dont mind. :cool:
     
  6. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    I feel as though he wants me to killl myself so he can't be charged with murder. I know it sounds crazy, but I really feel like everyone would be happier without me around. What is wrong with me? I want the people I love to love me but they don't, I want to make them happy, but nothing I do is good enough, and believe me they never fail to tell me I am not good enough. I have been in crisis centers and had a Dr. ,Meds, all of that, even got a little better, but my husband said he didn't like me taking them and threw them all away, guess I had to much of a glimmer of some self esteem? I have always had problems with depression. THe first time I tried to commit suicide I was 15, my mother found me and well, she was disappointed that I didn't do it right and still is to this day, I have been on my own since. Then I of coarse got involved with a man that was just as abusive as everyone else in my childhood and here I am twenty years later with just as much pain and just as much confussion and wondering why I am so bad.
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum.

    You are not alone here, we can relate to you and we'll try and help you through this. I'm sorry to hear about your abusive past :( Have you tried counselling or medication? Please don't give up. There is help x
     
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    is your husband abusing you?

    have you called the police, can you get a restraining order, can you access a women's shelter? what is he doing to prevent you leaving? do you have anybody safe around you can let them know what's going on? perhaps a neighbour?

    you're not a bad person. you're in a serious situation that you need to get out of very soon, because whoever is beating and raping you is killing you at the moment.
     
  9. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    Please the police are a joke here, his sister is nailing half of the police officers here, and I did call them when he had me locked in a room and wouldn't let me leave and reported rape, they did not even take a report. As for medication, Yes, Yes I have had counseling. I have been a victim of child sex abuse as well, and verbal and emotional abuse, abandoned at 16, you name it, it has probably happened to me. I have just kept so much in for so long, I am sorry if it seems like I am purging here, but it has been 5 years since I have been able to talk to anyone that can be objective.
     
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    you don't need to be sorry about anything. i'm horrified to hear that about the police, i can empathise with people not listening to you and keeping you safe when you're crying out for help.

    your immediate safety is really important and your husband is killing you. do you know of any women's shelters or domestic violence agencies that you could contact for support? they'd hopefully, offer you options of getting away from your husband, and hear what you want and need right now, which looking at your original post sounds like escape from your husband and you feel you can't get away? that sounds horrific and terrifying and it's no wonder you feel alone and scared :hug:
     
  11. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    I live in small town, Georgia USA, and since I have been hospitalized, in crisis centers and the police have picked me up off the bathroom floor unconscience with a belly full of trazadone, well the custody of my children would be left to him. I have tried to leave and they NEVER let me take my children, so this is where I have to stay. I guess you can say I have truly fallen through the cracks in the system. I have no contact with my mother(issues there), my father left when I was born. So, really I have no one but my sons to even try to survive for and on some days it seems as though maybe that is not enough. They may be better off without me. It is just bad all the way around. My step father commited suicide in front of my sister and I when I was 4. My sister commited suicide three years ago.
     
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i hear what a difficult and horrible situation you're in, and what a painful history you have, and i wish i could be of more help.


    is he abusing your sons and are your sons witnessing/or know what he is doing to you?

    i know you don't want to leave your sons but your safety and your life is priority. what i'm hearing is that you want escape.

    were the crisis centres you went to women's shelters or mental health centres dealing with suicide attempts?
     
  13. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    No, he is emotionally abusive to us all, an officer said I would have to prove that, and that is just not easy. The crisis center that I was in (many times) does deal with suicide attempts, though not very well. Most of the people that were there were suicidal. The system is very flawed. I just get the impression that most of them could care less as long as they get their pay every week.I wish that these so called health professionals could feel what I feel. They do not understand what it is like to want to die.
     
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i feel very similar if that helps :hug:.

    i know what it feels like to have therapists be more interested in if you can pay or not than your life, as well.

    if you find talking here helpful then do talk. you sound like you're carrying so much, very trapped and in such a difficult painful situation.
     
  15. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    Being here has helped, just being able to unload and not have people tell ohhh no that did not happen, when I know it did. I know I am not crazy, I know what has happened to me, but those who are guilty try to make me think I imagined all they have done, I mean I have to live with what they have done. I know I can not expect them to take responsibility for their actions. I don't like feeling the pain, I don't like the dark days when all I can do is think about how I am going to do it, which way would be less painful and how much happier everyone would be without me. Being in this forum gives me some hope, and that is alot because I have had no hope for a long time.
     
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i know that feeling well when people say you imagined it and minimise what you've gone through. you've gone through hell and you still are and i'm glad being here helps you and you feel validated and safe and gives you some hope. :hug:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.